I don't know how my future will look like, but it was hard in the past, it's hard in the present and I am afraid it will continue being harder in the future and I'm not sure just how much strength I have anymore.

I am 21 years old, I became 21 years old in December 2024. I live in a poor, opportunity-lacking country in Europe but I wasn't born here. I was born in a better country, with better economy and so many more opportunities. I was a dancer as a child, I loved animals and dancing and my dream was either to be a veterinarian or a dancer. My parents were immigrants in the country I was born in and after I did 5th grade there, was in a good dance group and had many friends - they decided they wanted to go back to their home country.

It was hell. They never bothered to teach me the language, I had to learn it WHILE going to school (keep in mind, it's 5th grade so of course every kid knows how to speak and write, I didn't). I was subjected to much bullying and humiliation from both teachers and students alike for not speaking as fluently, not writing as fluently and not knowing the customs like they did. My parents never helped me, not emotionally and financially the bare minimum. Somehow I managed to pass school without failing any years even without the help. I went to highschool, everything was the same. My mental health deteriorated year after year and I felt more overwhelmed, more exhausted, more alone and more depressed.

Whenever I acted on my depression, my parents scolded me, didn't do anything about it and blamed it all on me. I never had anyone to talk about my struggles with, no one to acknowledge how hard I tried to pick up my life and keep up with every other child even though it was ten times harder. I never asked for much of them, they barely gave me anything but the bare minimum. I didn't and still don't have many clothes, my room consists of an old bed gifted by my grandfather, a desk gifted by my neighbor, and a closet gifted from my other grandfather. I never asked them for my allowance. Never even cried about how little I have. Let's not even talk about healthcare, they were forced to take me to the dentist as a child, but after they moved to this worse country that doesn't impose it they stopped and one of my tooth fell, I still don't have an implant.

And God forbid I ask them for something other than the necessities. I never got any presents from them for my birthday, and when I became 18th years old, I asked them for a laptop (a cheap one, anything would do) so I could use it for college. They yelled at me and told me they don't have money to spend on whatever I want (they've bought each other several phones along the years,among other things). Finally, somehow, I got my bachelor degree. So I decided to apply for college, like any other kid after finishing highschool. I applied for two, and got in both of them without tax.

But it was far (the closest college to where I live has very few options, none of which I want to do) and my parents did not want to pay for any expense. They didn't want to pay for even a bathroom for me to have there, or internet. So I had no choice but to give it up and instead join a post-highschool education (assistant pharmacist, it's free so they're not paying for it). I hate it. It's not the life I dreamed of. It's not what the little me told the teacher they wanted to do when they grow up. My classmates are mostly old ladies who just want to do another job aside from the ones they have and I pass by teenagers everyday, seeing them happy and excited to go and see the world the same way I was and knowing their parents will most likely support them unlike mine did with me, and I'm stuck with them while everyone my age is out there doing something with their lives. I know I am missing my young years and wasting them away but I don't know what to do.I gained courage and asked my mom if I could apply for college again, just to see if I get in. She said she'd rather me finish the one I'm doing now, and then she said even if I get in that college again, she will never take me there, her reasoning being that it's too far and she doesn't want to send me food or anything. She then ended the phone and I'm in the bus towards home now trying not to cry, surrounded by annoying highschool teenagers.

I only have one life, and I can't even do something with it.

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