If I live into my later years, let me be blessed with the death of memories. Dementia, or something.

I am so alone. No father to teach me how to carry myself.. Mother beyond evil and corrupted. Sought that I would be the same. Whole family is evil, all back stabbers and whores and drug peddlers. They deserve death.. no one came for me. That house fucking haunts me and I can't escape it. I can't talk to anyone I don't know how. I don't know how to be okay or how to vent. it will destroy me. it already is. I can't trust anyone properly. So much sorrow inside me so much rage and anguish. I want to die, but I haven't yet lived. All these stupid years of my cursed existence. Was this the life they wanted for me? to abuse and so horrifically scar me inside and out that I will never find peace?? What God supports this?? is He even there??? I pray. not one answers. God the pain inside is so tangible. I feel it in my mind and in my head and in my heart. So much pain. I want to scream or anything. anything to release me. is death the only way out?? Will I STILL be DAMNED after death?? Why won't it end??

I dont want to remember. I try to forget but I can't. I am alone and I'm scared, I feel like I did all those years ago. Locked in the dark but this time it's me holding the door shut. I wanted family I wanted to be a proper child. I can't have peace. The realization Dawn's on me that not all things that are broken can be fixed. Is that me too?? Surely one can see too much no? My sanity is.. gone, I'm just pain. all the time. I can smile or stay alone but doesn't matter I'm alone anyways. I'm dying this way likely. Can't think straight. Just nerves and memories and no end. no end to it. So much pain.. why why why didn't they just kill me at birth??

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