The mistakes I made as a kid are coming back to haunt me.
The story
When I was a kid I was really good friends with my siblings, we all had good fun together. Well until one day in the summer. Me and my younger sister were playing a game of tag inside. And note of this: even though I was young I had and still have a porn addiction. So me and my sister were on my bed, tired from playing around. And I thought it would be a good idea take advantage of the situation. So I requested her to unclothe herself, and she did. So I continued to touch her cat with my finger, even going down to lick it.
I did end up getting caught afterwards, and the police did get involved; but I didn't go to jail or anything because of my age. And during that time I felt sick, I felt horrible. So I suppressed my feelings and forgot about it, only remembering it like 3 times a year or so.
Now, I'm 18 and I completely forgot about my incident; but one of my sisters friends met someone I knew. Telling he about what I did back then. He texted me about it yesterday, and of course I lied, I'm still in school. But the problem isn't that I lied, the problem is the flow of emotions coming back to me. I feel so disgusting, why did I do that, what is wrong with me. I'm scared he'll find out the truth, because I know that what I did was really bad, and I know that the public will think the same.
I've changed, I know I have, and I think my family knows that as well. But I cant help but feel like a monster, I wasn't to change the past.
I tried looking as this being a wakeup call by a god or something, like some higher being telling me to change my ways. But all I can think about is the future, I don't think I'll ever talk to my family again when I move just out of guilt.
Thanks for reading this.
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Points of view
it's quite unsettling to read about such a difficult past, and one must acknowledge the complexity of human behavior; honestly, reflecting on past actions can be a powerful source of personal growth, but it's concerning to hear about what happened. people sometimes make choices that they later regret, and it's important to seek help to process those feelings. the emotions you describe are complicated, illustrating a blend of shame, fear, and remorse, which are understandable given the situation. it seems like there's a struggle with reconciling past behavior with present identity; something many face when trying to move forward. finding a supportive environment to address these memories and emotions is crucial. also, acknowledging that the legal system treated the situation according to your age at the time might help clarify the reasoning behind certain outcomes. it's normal to want to change the past, but the emphasis should really be on transforming those feelings of guilt into positive actions and healthier relationships. have you considered reaching out to a professional for guidance? it might provide clarity and a sense of direction.
I'm going to start reaching out for help, I'm currently putting money aside for therapy, and I just want to say thanks for leaving this message. I really needed it <3
this narrative raises significant concerns. despite the gravity of the past actions, it's imperative to acknowledge personal growth. "feeling so disgusting" might reflect a profound cognizance of past misconduct, yet it doesn't mitigate the severity of the incident. invoking higher beings or divine intervention is often an escapist notion. psychological research suggests that guilt and fear are only productive if they lead to tangible change. it's perplexing to comprehend why one would downplay the ramifications. "what is wrong with me" indicates a recognition of wrongdoing, yet words are feeble without consequent actions.
man, that's a tough story to read. you've clearly been through a lot, but it’s hard to just overlook what happened back then. i mean, asking your sister to undress and going further is serious stuff. even if you were a kid, it doesn't just go away, you know? sure, people change and it's good you recognize it was wrong, but those actions have real impact. feeling guilty is one thing, but acting on it to make things right is another; maybe talk to someone professional about it? it's good you're trying to better yourself, but that past doesn't just vanish. wondering if just moving on is enough here??!