Am I paranoid or are they actually untrustworthy people?
The story
I've been having an honestly bad track record with friends. They've either been "nice people" who turned out to take advantage of my old anger and I hurt a boy because of it. Or I tried to be nice and have fun with them, but turns out they're not super interested, and I'm a fool for trying. I just suck.
I have new friends now, but I have a holiday along with them. It's a school holiday. They say they've been to different countries or they're busy. I know those are real causes during the holidays as to why they don't talk as much, but I have a what-if. What if...they don't like being around me? What if when they message "I don't feel like messaging", they actually mean they're tired of me and not their trip or work? I've had some people say they're "Fine with me" but then they hang out with others and act like I don't exist.
I have this lack of trust because when they message and speak, they're so kind and say they're not bothered with me, and I ask them if they're comfortable or I apologize. I end up apologizing more while they tell me I shouldn't feel that way and "it's okay". I have just talked about my interests to you and you understand and you seem like you get it, but what if it's not true? What if you really hate me for being too much and too little? Too much of a freakish weirdo and too little of a normal kid? I suck at this because I've had such less friends over several years.
I feel like backstabbing them, making them know I hate them because they probably lied to me about enjoying me, because if you hate me so much, why am I with you? Why aren't you kicking me away? Why aren't you telling me straight to my face "Go die you hag"? I'd rather you do that than live with the fact I don't know if you hate me or not. I've had a bad depression phase for a while, I don't wanna go there again. I don't wanna rationalize an undeserved pain onto me, try to say "This is what I was supposed to suffer" when I don't. I don't wanna go back to "I'm a god who sees truth and everybody is pigs for looking on the bright side of things".
I've been trying to be more optimistic, but it's hard. It feels like a big risk, not right after you feel like everything could go wrong because you're undeserving of outside friendships. I wanna be more open with others but with the holidays, it feels as if I'm not doing enough for the friendship or doing too less. I've considered nuking all contacts and telling them hateful stuff because I think they could hate me. I didn't because I felt bad about it, I felt like I would do big damage.
I know they could be busy and that's why they don't respond, but maybe they're busy also thinking why I'm so horrible. They're extra quiet online cus it's the holidays now, mom says they're probably busy, but I get so nervous. Like I said, I feel like backstabbing, but when they see me and be so kind, I feel bad for even holding that knife. They are so sweet. They treat me with respect and they don't find my disgusting personality weird. I find my personality disgusting sometimes. I sometimes feel as if I don't deserve love outside of my family. Like my mom, brother and dad would be my only connection to humans and nobody else. Nothing lasts anyways except family. Dad tells me to always remember "Family First". Is this what it's like to have friends? Do they hate me? Is this why they're not responding online?
Stories in the same category
Points of view
Man, I feel you on this one. Sounds like you're stuck in your own head, overthinking every little thing. People can be flaky and sometimes it ain't about you at all; they got their own lives and issues. But yeah, not knowing where you stand is the worst. Just remember most people won't bother keeping up with someone they genuinely don't want around, so maybe give 'em some credit? Friends are a gamble but totally worth it when you get it right! Keep pushing through and talking to them, it'll pay off!!!
but they haven't been speaking to me much in the holidays online. they're on their trips and all that, so I feel more like crap
Totally get it, dude. Holidays can be lonely when everyone's busy doing their own thing. I had a similar situation once where my friends went on a trip without me and didn't talk much. It sucked, but later I found out they were just caught up in the moment. Hang in there!
but what if they dislike me and didn't say so to be "polite". Like I said, at least tell me straight to my face I deserve no connections outside of family and that I am worthless when I'm without my family because I have no other social connections. Tell me you hate me and I suck at least
I get where you're coming from, but making assumptions like that can be a slippery slope. Sometimes people aren't upfront about their feelings because they don't want to hurt others, but that doesn't always mean they're lying about liking you. Give it time and maybe try directly chatting with them about how you're feeling. Could be worth it to clear things up!
They haven't been responding much bc of holidays so yeah, I'm even more nervous and feel like trash
y do u think they hatin on u when they say its just the holidays?
In movies, those friend look like they could be scheming and being mean behind someone's back, and since that and people online were my somewhat social experiences before befriending my pals, I get nervous because they're tight-knit groups and I'd be the awkward idiot trying to fit in and they dislike me. I would never do that to someone and they tell me they think I'm nice to be with, but what if I'm just an obstacle to them? Just an obstruction?
movies aren't real life tho... loads of people feel like they don't fit in. if they're saying you're nice to be with, maybe try to trust that? it might just be your brain playing tricks on you.
What can you do if for many years you felt too scared to talk to others that you studied those "realistic" movies and online discussions? I feel like an alien who just sucks at blending in with humans, even more so with regular people. My friends feel great to be around, but what if that "safety" is an illusion because they don't wanna tell me they hate me. I just wish I had a better friend then, and most of all I wish I was less different. More normal. I'd have more people by my side in school. I get so jealous when I see those "cool girls" post their friend photos a lot, I just wish I was them so I was better. Not the person I am, I feel like my friends have to withstand my horrid behavior everyday and I don't think I deserve their attention.
I wish I wasn't so interested in niche fandoms like Ghostbusters or JoJo or ALNST (nobody out of my friend group for the moment know it, not even kids my age), I wish I was better-looking, I wish I was charismatic, I wish I was whatever those popular girls were. Kind but confident, pretty but humble, smart but not too cocky about it. I feel less and like an undeserving human to them.
i mean, maybe you're overthinking a bit? lots of people wish they could be different sometimes. those "cool girls" might feel the same way inside. your friends seem to care about you, and it's good that you care about them too. don't beat yourself up too much... even if they have to withstand stuff for now and again, doesn't everybody?
maybe they're just stressed n tired?
I just sometimes can't stop thinking about whether they hate me or not, and if I'm burdening them. I really don't wanna go back to my old headspace. I now really feel scared of it.
i get it, feeling like that sucks big time. what if you're the only one thinking this way and they're all just chilling? sometimes our brains love to mess with us for fun (not). maybe try taking a breather and see how things go when you're not overanalyzing everything?
I always slip back into being in my imagination OC world and being them, or tempting to talk to ChatGPT. I used to do that and treat it like a friend, but now I've abstained from such things with it. I don't wanna go back
those imagination worlds can be a real comfort, like an escape when things get too much. but it's good you're trying to face stuff without going back there too much!! your friends prob understand and appreciate you more than you think... 😊 try not to be too hard on yourself, alright?
I totally get where you're coming from. It's like you're constantly questioning your place in these friendships, and that can be really tough. I've been there too. When I first moved to a new city, I felt out of place trying to connect with people who had grown up together their whole lives. One thing that helped me was focusing on those moments when my friends were genuinely nice or made an effort to include me. Have you ever thought about how often they've shown they care? Those little things might add up more than you realize.
yo, I totally get why you're feeling this way, like your mind's just racing in all directions. maybe it's not really about them hating you as a person, but more about how you're perceiving yourself through their eyes; sometimes overthinking makes everything seem worse than it actually is. i mean, everyone has that inner critic that's louder when we're unsure or anxious. 🤔 it's kinda common for people to flake out during holidays because life's chaotic at times and priorities shift, so it ain't always personal. plus, if your friends are genuinely nice to you and keep telling you they enjoy your company, there's probably truth in what they're saying even if self-doubt tells you otherwise. try to focus on the good vibes they give off rather than the silence: friends don't stick around just out of pity!
i get it, you're trapped in this loop of doubt and it's exhausting. your mind is playing tricks on you, making you think the worst when there's probably nothing there. holidays make everyone scatterbrain sometimes; they're not avoiding you, just caught up in their stuff too. trust me, if they didn't want you around at all, they wouldn't bother with excuses, they'd just ghost you totally. yeah, friendships can be confusing but remember that feeling like an outsider doesn't mean you're one... people often value qualities that make us unique even if we don't see them ourselves.
Dude, sounds like you're driving yourself nuts with all these what-ifs. 😅 You gotta chill a bit! People get busy especially during the holidays, and it's not always about you. Your brain's playing mind games making you think everyone secretly hates you!!! Focus more on how they act when they're around you; actions speak louder than words sometimes, ya know? Plus, if they're genuinely sweet to your face, that's something worth holding onto; don't nuke it over assumptions.
i get that! i always feel like my friends are secretly annoyed with me too. sometimes i imagine they're talking about me when i'm not around. it's so confusing because they're super nice in person.
yes i can relate, we all fear being judged even by friends
if they keep coming back and saying nice things, maybe you're not giving yourself enough credit, like sure, they might be busy cuz of holidays but couldn't it just be that simple sometimes?
have you noticed any patterns in the past that might be influencing how ya see these friendships now?
Wow, it sounds like you're really caught up in a cycle of self-doubt and second-guessing everything. I mean, I've had those moments too when I've felt out of place or worried about what others think of me, especially with friends who seem to have more exciting lives or are close-knit. It's hard not to let your mind spiral into those worst-case scenarios where you're an outsider in your own circle.
But one thing that might help is focusing on the concrete things they do for you: like when they invite you to hang out or make time for you even if their schedules seem packed. Those actions can speak volumes and may show how much they care, even if it’s tough to see from where you're standing now.
Have you considered having an open conversation with them about how you're feeling? Sometimes just putting those fears on the table can lead to some reassurance that isn't as transient as our thoughts sometimes make it feel. What kind of things would reassure you that they're genuinely invested in being friends with you?