I've been having an honestly bad track record with friends. They've either been "nice people" who turned out to take advantage of my old anger and I hurt a boy because of it. Or I tried to be nice and have fun with them, but turns out they're not super interested, and I'm a fool for trying. I just suck.

I have new friends now, but I have a holiday along with them. It's a school holiday. They say they've been to different countries or they're busy. I know those are real causes during the holidays as to why they don't talk as much, but I have a what-if. What if...they don't like being around me? What if when they message "I don't feel like messaging", they actually mean they're tired of me and not their trip or work? I've had some people say they're "Fine with me" but then they hang out with others and act like I don't exist.

I have this lack of trust because when they message and speak, they're so kind and say they're not bothered with me, and I ask them if they're comfortable or I apologize. I end up apologizing more while they tell me I shouldn't feel that way and "it's okay". I have just talked about my interests to you and you understand and you seem like you get it, but what if it's not true? What if you really hate me for being too much and too little? Too much of a freakish weirdo and too little of a normal kid? I suck at this because I've had such less friends over several years.

I feel like backstabbing them, making them know I hate them because they probably lied to me about enjoying me, because if you hate me so much, why am I with you? Why aren't you kicking me away? Why aren't you telling me straight to my face "Go die you hag"? I'd rather you do that than live with the fact I don't know if you hate me or not. I've had a bad depression phase for a while, I don't wanna go there again. I don't wanna rationalize an undeserved pain onto me, try to say "This is what I was supposed to suffer" when I don't. I don't wanna go back to "I'm a god who sees truth and everybody is pigs for looking on the bright side of things".

I've been trying to be more optimistic, but it's hard. It feels like a big risk, not right after you feel like everything could go wrong because you're undeserving of outside friendships. I wanna be more open with others but with the holidays, it feels as if I'm not doing enough for the friendship or doing too less. I've considered nuking all contacts and telling them hateful stuff because I think they could hate me. I didn't because I felt bad about it, I felt like I would do big damage.

I know they could be busy and that's why they don't respond, but maybe they're busy also thinking why I'm so horrible. They're extra quiet online cus it's the holidays now, mom says they're probably busy, but I get so nervous. Like I said, I feel like backstabbing, but when they see me and be so kind, I feel bad for even holding that knife. They are so sweet. They treat me with respect and they don't find my disgusting personality weird. I find my personality disgusting sometimes. I sometimes feel as if I don't deserve love outside of my family. Like my mom, brother and dad would be my only connection to humans and nobody else. Nothing lasts anyways except family. Dad tells me to always remember "Family First". Is this what it's like to have friends? Do they hate me? Is this why they're not responding online?

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