im so embarassed to talk about girls to my friends because i dont want to come across as sappy or desperate, and i feel like i shouldnt need someone like that in my life, and i can just have close friends. but to be honest, ive never had that close of a friend before.

the girl that i was "talking" to (at least i viewed it that way) added me first, and she was super sweet when i first started talking to her. we had a few common interests and were doing all the classic texting stuff. however, i kept asking if she wanted to talk more in person because i only ever saw her during school. she kept avoiding the conversation and eventually i just said that i loved talking to her and spending time with her and that i liked her, and i asked for her number. she said that she just wanted to be friends and that i didnt do anything wrong and that im still a good person, and that shed rather just stay on snap bc its easier for her.

when we first started talking, i tried to be as authentic as possible and talked about the stresses and anxiety that i had in my life, bc honestly at the time she was one of the best friends i had ever had. i felt like i could count on her and could trust her more than i ever have even with my closest friend (i dont talk to him much anymore now that i moved far away). me and her even shared pretty personal stories about our family situations and struggles that we were having. after i told her that i liked her quite a bit, she seemed to become a bit more closed off, and i did in return. i dont really like her the same as i did before, but we still talk for a few minutes over snaps every day. however, now i feel like i have to walk on thin ice when im talking to her and have to avoid certain topics, and cant really talk about my problems like i feel like i used to be able to do with her, in fear that she'll think that i like her still. its not that i like her, its just that i miss having such a close friend and someone i could trust.

i forgot to mention, about two weeks into becoming quite close with her (or at least i thought so), i sprained my ankle and bruised my other foot pretty bad. im still hurting every day from it, meaning i cant train for football, which is the biggest and most important part of my life and my dream is to play pro. my feet are hurt so bad that i cant even walk for more than five minutes without them getting sore. rehab is so so slow, and being hurt for over two months now has made my mental health absolutely horrible. i feel so anxious all the time, and i cant escape it. im trapped in my house all day, sitting on my a** and not being able to train or play pickup with friends. my car also broke down at the same time i hurt my feet, and i havent been able to find a job for the past 4 months. i cant go anywhere, i cant do anything active, i cant even go on a walk to help clear my head. i live with my dad and stepmom, and their pretty emotionally absent. ive never been able to trust them enough to tell them about things like this, especially because it gets brought up and sometimes held over my head by them and my brother as well. i feel like my brain is trapped in a cage, ramming itself against the walls to try and get out, but only hurting itself more in the process. ive tried drawing, ive tried playing video games, etc., but nothing fills the void that soccer/football occupies in my life.

i feel horrible, not only for me, but for her as well. i feel like i lost a close friend that i could genuinely talk to, and i feel like i betrayed her trust as well by letting my emotions get the better of me and spilling them out to her all at once. i dont know if theres anything i can do to make this right, and i feel like our friendship is permanently damaged. i cant get her out of my brain, not even in a romantic way, just in a support way. im scared to apologize again bc i feel like shes already moved on from me and has replaced the time that i spent with her with someone else. she has told me a couple days ago that shes up until 2am sometimes on facetime, and it makes me so disappointed bc ive never been able to have that close of a relationship with someone, romantic or not, and it also makes me feel dispensable and like im not worth her time or effort.

ive tried watching videos and telling myself that itll all be okay, and that im worth enough. and truly, i do feel like im a good person to be around, and i check up on all of my friends, including her, very regularly. but i feel like no one has ever done that for me. i feel like im always the one trying to start conversations with other people. im always the one checking up on others. im the one asking about how theyre doing or whats going on in their lives. im always the one saying that im there for them if they ever need to rant. but i cant remember a single time that any of my friends have ever asked if i needed to rant, if i had something on my mind, if i had something i wanted to talk about. ive heard that everyone sorta feels this way, but i just dont think thats true. i feel like when i could talk to her, i finally had my person that i could lean on, but now i think ive lost it for good.

ive heard that trying to fill a void with someone is not a good way to start to any kind of friendship. and i can understand that. but right now i feel so lost and stressed out, like all of my problems are slowly seeping their way into the cage enclosing my brain, ready to drown it out. i cant take it anymore. i need someone that will listen. i need someone that can relate to me. please tell me what i can do to make this all go away, and to help me find true friends that vouch for me and will support me in times like these.

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