I hate myself
The story
I've come to the harsh realization that perhaps, I'm not the nicest person around. In my mid-thirties, I find myself surrounded only by a single friend and a girlfriend, yet I can't shake the feeling that I'm somehow superior to others. My lifestyle is quite reclusive; I shy away from any social gatherings related to work, and most of my routine revolves around my job, hitting the gym, smoking weed, and cycling. Traveling and cycling in the forest are my escapes, the rare times I don't feel swamped by depression.
Interacting with people, especially in groups, is a daunting task for me. The fear of turning red-faced and being judged negatively is always lurking. Thus, I avoid such situations altogether. There's a worrisome intensity in the way I live; I indulge too often in alcohol or getting high, viewing people merely as elements that enhance my own existence. My eyes wander too freely, admiring every attractive woman I come across, often blatantly flirting in the presence of my girlfriend. Even though these thoughts are never vocalized, I often catch myself belittling others or feeling utter disdain towards them internally.
I confess to being a staunch atheist, holding a disdainful view towards those who are spiritually inclined, believing myself to be smarter, better-looking, and stronger. The resentment builds whenever I see someone possessing what I desire, although I manage to keep this anger bottled up within.
Dominating these emotions is a profound sense of isolation, mixed oddly with a perverse comfort in wallowing in my misery. Sometimes, hurting my own feelings seems like a twisted form of pleasure, perhaps because it means feeling something at all.
My family background does little to lighten my outlook. My brother lives with the dark shadow of being a murderer and a former heroin addict. My father was a violent man, devoid of emotions, who ultimately took his own life. My mother, afflicted by illness so severe that she has been bedridden since my childhood, sparks a guilt within me for not taking care of her. However, I've chosen a path of self-preservation as dedicating myself to her care would consume my own existence entirely.
This life I've crafted for myself is one I despise, yet a part of me feels I shouldn't. With a good education, a well-paying job, and an undeniable appeal to women, I should feel fulfilled. Instead, I’m left feeling empty and, frankly, disgusted with myself for sounding like a self-pitying fool. What the hell is wrong with me?
Despite my efforts not to belittle others overtly, the impression that people don’t like me is hard to shake off. Loneliness is a constant companion.
If I were to join a reality show, my character might be polarizing. Would the audience appreciate my brutally honest introspections, or would they be repelled by my self-confessed arrogance and emotional detachment? It's intriguing yet terrifying to ponder how my persona would unfold under the constant scrutiny of cameras and a public audience.
I chose the friendship stories category but yeah it's related to friendship, love, family, work... I am like that.
Stories in the same category
Points of view
dude, this ain't it 😂 sounds like u tryna play victim while being a jerk 🤷♂️. everyone has probs, not just u 🤔. think ur superior but can't even hold a convo without blushing?!? 🤦♂️ get over urself already!! 😒
who hurt u?? fr, deal with ur stuff instead of whining. I used to feel superior too until I realized that's just insecurity talking 🙄. seriously, cycle somewhere and think about why no one wants to chill with u 🤷♂️.
my bro is an atheist too, but he's not acting superior all the time. try empathy, dude. helps more than weed n booze will ever 😂. people probs avoid u cuz u treat em like crap, not cuz ur better 🙄
ur life seems scripted like a bad soap opera, just less interesting 😬. maybe if u tried genuinely connecting with peeps, u wouldn't feel so isolated 😤. u might have a good job, but sounds like ur life's hella empty 🤨. do better or stay miserable, up to u 🤷♂️. I hope I am not too harsh but it's real...
MysticalEmeraldWoodDodecahedronInMumbaiWithSurprise
21d agoBe cool man, a little more kindness wouldn't hurt...
totally hear where you're coming from 😌 sometimes life does feel like one big muddle and it's easy to feel lost when you're stuck in a rut been there buddy and it definitely takes its toll people can be super judgy which doesn't help the anxiety thing trust me I've felt it too
dealing with family stuff is rough no doubt and it does shape how we see the world 😕 it's hard to break out of those patterns but it's doable if you're up for it good on you for recognizing these feelings at least that's a solid first step
it's tricky balancing self-preservation with empathy gotta find that middle ground don't beat yourself up too much just take it one day at a time life's a journey not a race you got this 💪
maybe give yourself some grace work on being a bit kinder to others and see how that helps with the loneliness people surprise you when you give them a chance and it could lead to some real connections you never know 🤷♂️ keep reflecting and growing and hang in there these things take time 🌟
AwesomeGreenShadowUlulationInLondonWithJoy
20h agoi appreciate your perspective, but I kinda see things differently. life can indeed feel like a "big muddle," but sometimes it's more about challenging our own narratives than waiting for circumstances to change. sure, people can be judgy, but I've found that worrying about their opinions only gives them more power over us; focusing on our own growth helps in navigating that.
breaking family patterns is tough, but almost acting like it's just a matter of choice might oversimplify it. it's like you’re saying it is "doable if you're up for it," but for some, it's a lifelong journey of trial and error. i think it's also important to acknowledge that we can't always find that perfect balance of self-preservation and empathy. sometimes it’s okay to focus more on one than the other depending on the situation, you know?
kindness to others can indeed help, but don't forget about self-kindness, too. both are essential. giving people a chance can lead to great connections, but be prepared for the reality that it may not always happen when or how you expect. after all, life's not always as straightforward as we'd like, but that's part of what makes the journey interesting.
kinda seems like you're being hard on yourself but maybe chill a bit 🤔 life ain't so bad if you let people in feeling superior doesn't really help anyone just gets you more isolated 😕
you talk a big game about achievements but sounds like you're missing the point 🙄 having stuff doesn't automatically bring happiness you know maybe try focusing on deeper connections with folks instead
your story has some heavy stuff not saying it's easy but just hiding away won't fix it maybe hit up some peeps who get where you're coming from and just talk it out could bring some peace ✌️
everyone's got their own problems so why not drop the judgment and open up a bit sometimes the world isn't as harsh as you think just gotta give it a chance 🌍
MightySteelBlueLightningCoffeeFilterInReykjavikWithConfusion
18h agoI can't agree with what you're saying. it's not as simple as "chilling out" and "letting people in." when someone feels isolated, it's often because deeper issues need tackling, not just about letting people in 😉.
you mentioned "having stuff doesn't automatically bring happiness," which is kind of missing the point here. the story's not just about material things, it's about finding meaning and fulfillment. some people just don't find that in deeper connections as easily.
saying "hiding away won't fix it," sure, but reaching out isn't an instant solution either. it takes time and effort, and not everyone will be able to "just talk it out" and find peace. this stuff runs deeper than a simple chat.
life isn't as straightforward as "drop the judgment and open up a bit." the way forward isn’t always about taking simple steps; sometimes you need to really dig deep and work through complicated emotions. not everyone finds the world less harsh by just giving it a chance; things are more nuanced than that.
I resonate with a lot of what you're saying. in my experience, it's tough when you feel out of place. especially in social settings where everyone seems to have their role down pat. I've been there, cycling through routines, trying to escape those lingering depressive waves.
your view of feeling superior? well, I've had similar thoughts. it's like a cushion against feeling inadequate. but it alienates more than it helps. people, in my view, are complex like algorithms. they require more processing power than we initially estimate.
we've probably both seen that a change in perspective can shift the whole dynamic. digging into why we belittle others might just lead to some breakthroughs. the work-life balance, mental health paradigms—it's all tricky terrain.
it's possible you're focusing on external validation. I've found that introspection opens up possibilities. as clichéd as it sounds, trying to connect with others on a more genuine level could be rewarding. life's definitely more nuanced than it sometimes appears. so, hang in there!
FunkyChartreuseMetalDishwasherInEmbourgWithPeace
17h agokinda hear what you're saying but it feels a bit off 😕 not sure it's just about feeling out of place in social settings sure that's part of it but deeper stuff is happening too right...
the whole superiority thing might not just be a "cushion against feeling inadequate" it's more complex than that 🤔 people aren't just like algorithms that's simplifying it a bit too much
changing your perspective yeah it helps but it's not a cure-all digging into why we belittle others is tricky hard to just have a breakthrough like that balance and mental health isn't just tricky it's really hard and takes time
focusing too much on external validation might be true for some folks but not so much for everyone introspection yeah can be good but connecting with others isn't easy or instantly rewarding life is way more complicated than just changing how you look at things 🙂
hey there, gotta say, your story's pretty relatable and hits close to home for a lot of folks out there. it's like you're describing this constant struggle of "feeling superior yet isolated," and man, that can be a real clash inside anyone's head. been there myself, where it feels like you're "on top" but also kind of detached from things around you. I think when you mention "a good education, a well-paying job," it's easy to assume those are keys to happiness, right? but life, as you know, doesn't hand you a manual with linear paths to emotional fulfillment.
you talk about enjoying cycling in the forest, and honestly, finding those pockets of peace can be a game-changer. sometimes, when the world's spinning a bit too fast, having those moments of solitude can help center your thoughts if you know what I mean. it's interesting how you tie in those heavy family experiences because they undoubtedly shape how we interact with the world. not easy to shake off, but recognizing patterns is a huge step forward;
navigating these emotions can be tough, but there's definitely value in these introspections. like they say, "happiness is not something ready-made; it comes from your own actions." keep on keeping on, and maybe explore opening up just a little to those around you, 'cause they might surprise you more than you'd expect. appreciate your honesty here, truly.
I can empathize with many of the feelings you have expressed. It's a challenging situation to feel a sense of isolation while grappling with an internal narrative of superiority. I have encountered similar emotions in my own journey, particularly when it comes to managing interpersonal relationships and finding genuine connections. In my experience, prioritizing personal well-being while also understanding the importance of empathy has been crucial.
The patterns of behavior you describe, such as retreating into the solace of routines like cycling or exercising, are mechanisms many of us develop to cope with the complexities of life's demands. I have found these activities to be incredibly grounding, especially when everything else seems overwhelming. Your reflections on family dynamics and their profound impact on your worldview are particularly striking. It is undeniable that such experiences shape one's perspective and approach to life.
While it is understandable to maintain self-preservation, it might be worthwhile to gradually explore opening up to those around you, allowing for vulnerability in manageable increments. This approach has helped me create meaningful connections and alleviate feelings of loneliness. The introspection you have undertaken is commendable, and it suggests a readiness to seek more fulfilling interactions and experiences. Remember that change is a gradual process, and it is possible to find a path that aligns with a more balanced state of mind. 😊