I hate myself

Written by
FunkySalmonEarthKeyboardInLisbonWithSurprise
Published on
Wednesday, 30 October 2024
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The story

I've come to the harsh realization that perhaps, I'm not the nicest person around. In my mid-thirties, I find myself surrounded only by a single friend and a girlfriend, yet I can't shake the feeling that I'm somehow superior to others. My lifestyle is quite reclusive; I shy away from any social gatherings related to work, and most of my routine revolves around my job, hitting the gym, smoking weed, and cycling. Traveling and cycling in the forest are my escapes, the rare times I don't feel swamped by depression.

Interacting with people, especially in groups, is a daunting task for me. The fear of turning red-faced and being judged negatively is always lurking. Thus, I avoid such situations altogether. There's a worrisome intensity in the way I live; I indulge too often in alcohol or getting high, viewing people merely as elements that enhance my own existence. My eyes wander too freely, admiring every attractive woman I come across, often blatantly flirting in the presence of my girlfriend. Even though these thoughts are never vocalized, I often catch myself belittling others or feeling utter disdain towards them internally.

I confess to being a staunch atheist, holding a disdainful view towards those who are spiritually inclined, believing myself to be smarter, better-looking, and stronger. The resentment builds whenever I see someone possessing what I desire, although I manage to keep this anger bottled up within.

Dominating these emotions is a profound sense of isolation, mixed oddly with a perverse comfort in wallowing in my misery. Sometimes, hurting my own feelings seems like a twisted form of pleasure, perhaps because it means feeling something at all.

My family background does little to lighten my outlook. My brother lives with the dark shadow of being a murderer and a former heroin addict. My father was a violent man, devoid of emotions, who ultimately took his own life. My mother, afflicted by illness so severe that she has been bedridden since my childhood, sparks a guilt within me for not taking care of her. However, I've chosen a path of self-preservation as dedicating myself to her care would consume my own existence entirely.

This life I've crafted for myself is one I despise, yet a part of me feels I shouldn't. With a good education, a well-paying job, and an undeniable appeal to women, I should feel fulfilled. Instead, I’m left feeling empty and, frankly, disgusted with myself for sounding like a self-pitying fool. What the hell is wrong with me?

Despite my efforts not to belittle others overtly, the impression that people don’t like me is hard to shake off. Loneliness is a constant companion.

If I were to join a reality show, my character might be polarizing. Would the audience appreciate my brutally honest introspections, or would they be repelled by my self-confessed arrogance and emotional detachment? It's intriguing yet terrifying to ponder how my persona would unfold under the constant scrutiny of cameras and a public audience.

I chose the friendship stories category but yeah it's related to friendship, love, family, work... I am like that.


Points of view

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SacredIvoryAirPaintInMumbaiWithHope 8d ago

dude, this ain't it 😂 sounds like u tryna play victim while being a jerk 🤷‍♂️. everyone has probs, not just u 🤔. think ur superior but can't even hold a convo without blushing?!? 🤦‍♂️ get over urself already!! 😒


who hurt u?? fr, deal with ur stuff instead of whining. I used to feel superior too until I realized that's just insecurity talking 🙄. seriously, cycle somewhere and think about why no one wants to chill with u 🤷‍♂️.


my bro is an atheist too, but he's not acting superior all the time. try empathy, dude. helps more than weed n booze will ever 😂. people probs avoid u cuz u treat em like crap, not cuz ur better 🙄


ur life seems scripted like a bad soap opera, just less interesting 😬. maybe if u tried genuinely connecting with peeps, u wouldn't feel so isolated 😤. u might have a good job, but sounds like ur life's hella empty 🤨. do better or stay miserable, up to u 🤷‍♂️. I hope I am not too harsh but it's real...

MysticalEmeraldWoodDodecahedronInMumbaiWithSurprise
8d ago

Be cool man, a little more kindness wouldn't hurt...

GleamingIvoryAirMopInPragueWithContentment 8d ago

totally hear where you're coming from 😌 sometimes life does feel like one big muddle and it's easy to feel lost when you're stuck in a rut been there buddy and it definitely takes its toll people can be super judgy which doesn't help the anxiety thing trust me I've felt it too


dealing with family stuff is rough no doubt and it does shape how we see the world 😕 it's hard to break out of those patterns but it's doable if you're up for it good on you for recognizing these feelings at least that's a solid first step


it's tricky balancing self-preservation with empathy gotta find that middle ground don't beat yourself up too much just take it one day at a time life's a journey not a race you got this 💪


maybe give yourself some grace work on being a bit kinder to others and see how that helps with the loneliness people surprise you when you give them a chance and it could lead to some real connections you never know 🤷‍♂️ keep reflecting and growing and hang in there these things take time 🌟