i need a friend

i keep losing people and i know the common denominator is me. i can’t retain friends, can’t maintain the relationship lifecycle, can’t even pass the basic onboarding phase without screwing up the deliverables. i ghost when things get real. i overshare when it’s casual. i either underperform emotionally or i flood the pipeline with too much data. it’s inefficient and people churn out. that’s not me being dramatic, it’s just pattern recognition. the metrics are obvious. high initial engagement, sharp drop-off, zero retention. i suck at friendship. i don’t nurture it, don’t water it, don’t even check the soil. then i act surprised when it dies. i tell myself i prefer being alone, that independence is some kind of premium subscription, but it’s mostly ego and poor communication skills. i don’t like small talk, i don’t like constant texting, i don’t like pretending to care about things that feel trivial. but that’s part of the social contract, right? reciprocity, mutual validation, shared maintenance. i don’t comply, so the contract expires. people move on. they should. i’m not exactly a value add 😒. i get defensive fast. i interpret neutral feedback as a threat. i treat vulnerability like a security breach. then i wonder why nobody sticks around. it’s not malicious, it’s just how i’m wired. still, intent doesn’t negate impact. do you ever notice how you sabotage connections before they stabilize? or is that just me being fundamentally defective. i watch others build tight circles, group chats buzzing, weekend plans locked in, and i’m here with archived conversations and muted notifications. i can analyze it like a case study. attachment issues, poor conflict resolution, low tolerance for ambiguity. all textbook stuff. but knowing the theory doesn’t fix the execution. i fail the practical every time. and now i actually need someone. not for entertainment. not for optics. for support. real, boring, consistent support. and i have no one to call 🤷‍♂️.

i pushed everyone to the periphery because closeness felt like liability. proximity increases risk exposure. the closer someone gets, the more surface area there is for disappointment, for judgment, for abandonment. so i preemptively detach. i downgrade people from priority to optional. i delay replies. i cancel plans. i make sarcasm my primary interface. it’s not charming, it’s just rude. i know that. i see it happening in real time and still don’t interrupt the process. it’s like watching a system crash and refusing to patch it. then when i finally hit a low point, when stress spikes and the internal bandwidth collapses, i look around and there’s no redundancy, no backup server, no human failover. just me and my stupid pride. i need a friend right now and that feels pathetic to admit. not a crowd. not followers. one person. someone stable. someone who won’t interpret my silence as hostility but also won’t enable it. someone who calls me out without turning it into a performance review. is that too much to ask? or am i the unreasonable variable in every equation. i don’t blame the people who left. they optimized for their own wellbeing. that’s rational. i would’ve done the same in their position. but here’s the part that pisses me off: i actually care. i just don’t express it in a user friendly way. my empathy is clunky. my timing is off. my tone is sharp. i default to critique instead of comfort. and yeah, that makes me hard to keep around. i can admit that without self pity. this isn’t a sob story. it’s a status report. current state: isolated. root cause: poor relational management. desired outcome: one solid friend. i don’t need daily affirmation. i don’t need dramatic loyalty vows. i need consistency. shared silence. mutual respect. basic human presence. and i don’t know how to build that without eventually screwing it up again. maybe the real issue is that i treat friendship like a transaction instead of a process; maybe i expect immediate ROI instead of long term investment. either way, i’m here. blunt. aware. alone. so tell me, how do you keep people close without suffocating them or pushing them away. or do you just accept that some of us aren’t built for connection and move on.

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