im so fucking tired
The story
im 16, and i have never felt worse about myself than i do right now and these last few weeks.
since i was a little kid, ive been in bad homes. No matter who i was living with, it has always been filthy and disfunctional. right this instant im living in probably the 2nd or 3rd worst home ive ever lived in. its filthy and miserable. i have a decently severe weed addiction that i adopted in november 2023 after smoking for the first time in august of that same year. my dad got me started (and still supplies me with it) and i dont really hate him for that? i might have killed myself a long time ago if it wasnt for the emotional suppression that weed does to me. Im probably high more than im sober. the weed addiction isnt that bad to be honest but i thought its relevant.
Covid fucked my one good relationship with my old best friend connor. barely talk to him anymore and the majority of my friends are online. I do online school right now, because going to school makes me want to kill myself.
but the thing is, i dont have many real life friends. and that fucking sucks. i dont do anything at all most days other than fuck around on games or fl studio. i have a job too but that doesnt help too much.
im fat. 248lbs at the moment and losing. its alot better than what i was (around 330-350 i dont fully remember). i feel like no one could stand looking at me in a romantic way because of my weight, which realistically i know thats not entirely true. my face isnt much better, i dont consider myself ugly, but i visibly look like my mother, and it fucks me up. i have a very bad relationship with her that i would need a seperate post to go into. tldr for that one is i havent seen her in person in 2 years almost, and she never calls me because shes a heavy drug addict, basically addicted to anything you could think of.
When i was 14 my life (which was already pretty shitty) went to hell. we got evicted due to our disgusting house. thats mostly because of my sisters and my dumb as fuck family who thought we could handle 2 extra drug babies who are not right mentally. after we got evicted, we moved in with my extended family for like 2 months. Thats 12 people in a 3 bedroom house. i hated it. but i got my first experience with my own room. because up until then i was always given the living room to sleep in because i was the oldest. when i lived with the extended family, they gave me a room to myself for some reason. something about genders shouldnt mix? theyre pretty conservative. after 2 months of living with them, we had to leave. we moved into an extremely shitty hotel, one room for everybody, 2 beds. then we moved into a much worse hotel that had 2 rooms. but super infested with roaches. i got so depressed i was getting physically sick. i stayed home from school for a week. after a while, i couldnt take it anymore. i moved in with my dad and here we are now. im writing this while its 5 am so this is gonna be hard to read, sorry its all fucked up and disjointed. honestly theres like 9 other things i wanted to include but maybe another time.
TL;DR
shitty house, shitty family, loneliness, and the want to kill myself
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Points of view
Hey there.!!! I can't imagine how tough things have been for you... Your story really hits hard... Kudos for sharing.!!! 😊 You've got a lot on your plate, like, for real.!!! But it's awesome that you're shedding some weight! Keep going, buddy.! You're moving in the right direction.!!!! 🎉 Life ain't easy, but it sure can get better; just hang in there.!! Surround yourself with people who lift you up, even if they're just online pals for now.!! Baby steps, but they lead somewhere.!!! You got this...!!!! Remember, it's OK to reach out for help when you need it...!!! Take care out there.!!! 😊
hey, i hear you, but it's important to look at the bigger picture here. while your circumstances are undeniably tough, i think there might be a chance to reassess some perspectives. weed might seem like it's helping, but over-reliance could be counterproductive in the long run; it might numb the feelings for now but potentially creates dependency issues. the lack of face-to-face friends could be an opportunity to foster genuine connections in real life instead. being proactive about your surroundings and actively seeking external support can result in constructive changes. the challenges with family dynamics definitely sound intense, yet it might be worth exploring what aspects could transform into learning experiences, even if they feel overwhelmingly negative right now. it's about navigating through stormy waters and finding the islands of growth and potential amidst it all.
man, your story really hit home for me… i totally get it, life can be rough and unfair... same stuff happened to me, i feel like everything's stacked against me too; it's like no matter what you do, it never gets easy, right? things just keep piling on, and it's hard to see any light at the end of the tunnel... i remember feeling that loneliness, just sitting in my room, stuck in my head; it sucks big time. i know it's hard to believe things will get better when you're stuck in all this chaos; hang in there, dude... 😟
wow, i totally feel you; your story is intense. life can really put you through the wringer, right? the whole dysfunctional family dynamic, I've been there too. chaos seems endless. it's like trying to stabilize chaos in a system that's already in entropy. once felt completely trapped in my own situation. that heavy reliance on weed for emotional suppression, i get why you'd lean on it. just feels like a never-ending cycle, doesn't it? 😞 hang in there, anyhow. we've got to ride the wave even when it feels like it's pulling us under.
life is unequivocally harsh; your narrative exemplifies this perfectly. the dysfunction you describe is an unfortunate reality for many. "Caught in a web of chaos," as one might say, seems apt. the cannabis dependency is a common coping mechanism and indicative of emotional suppression required in such dire environments. societal structures often fail those in precarious situations like yours. emotional and familial instability create a feedback loop of despair and inertia. expecting change is futile; situations like these rarely improve without significant intervention. your plight underlines this grim reality.