Letting go of the idea that I need friends to survive
The story
All my life I've been making friends for survival. As a child I didn't know why I was making friends, sometimes, for any reason other than to not be alone. I never thought about whether I actually liked the people I was spending my time with. I never took it seriously when they acted mockingly or cruelly towards me. Instead, I saw it as a reason to win them over. I often ended up in friendships that were genuinely worse than just hanging out by myself with a book.
I have three friends right now, who are closer to me than any other friend has been before. It turns out two of them had feelings for me the whole time. I don't have feelings for either of them. I just wanted their friendship and I thought – or rather, hoped – that they were happy with the same. I feel disappointed that they wanted something more. I feel like our friendship isn't enough. It makes me uncomfortable that my friendship with them was the second-place trophy. My other friend is great, but stays inside a lot, so when I ask to hang out, they often say no. It's great whenever we do hang out, and their helicopter parent doesn't tag along unexpectedly – we just don't hang out often anymore.
I wish I had a friend who just wanted to fuckin' hang out with me. Someone who wasn't sticking around because they thought a romance could develop, someone who actually reaches out to ME as much as I reach out to them, someone who feels like my companion.
While I don't have a friend like that, I do have my brother, who I grew up with. He's kind to me, understanding. We can talk completely freely and openly with each other, AND we can keep things private from the other as well. We're totally accepting of each other and I so, so appreciate his presence in my life. Without him I reckon I would feel totally alone.
I feel like I'm teetering on the edge of either isolating myself, or being as open as I've ever been – or both. That's why I'm optimistic about my future.
I'm finally learning that I don't NEED friends. I want them. And those friendships will come with time and effort, not desperately grasping onto the nearest person who pays any attention to me. I'm the kind of person who many find hard to read or unpredictable, or "too different" to even try to get to know. I reckon that's okay. I don't need their approval or even their understanding. It would sure be fucking nice, but I don't need it anymore.
I can just exist as myself, be actively open to making GENUINE friendships, and wait to see what happens.
So I'm letting go of the idea that I need friends. I'm letting go of the idea that I need to be understood or liked by everyone around me. What I actually need is to like myself, to be able to enjoy spending time with myself. And make no mistake, I love hanging out with other people – but I don't need to consider my own company a second-place trophy. I'm great company. I've gotta enjoy that without thinking about who I could be hanging out with instead.
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Points of view
Honestly, sounds like you're putting too much weight on friendships, like they're your key to happiness 😂; No one needs a "wheelhouse full of cronies" to get by. I used to think like that too, trying to "optimize" my social life. Spoiler: didn't work out. Friendships should be organic, not forced. It's okay to fly solo sometimes, but don't close yourself off completely. Focus on building connections that actually matter, not just filling spaces. I've been through a similar cycle of clinging to people hoping they'd bring more to my life than I could myself. Rest easy knowing that it's fine to not have it all figured out: "Friendships come when they're meant to" is pretty much gospel truth.
I totally get where you're coming from; been there too. It's tricky trying to balance wanting friends and not relying on them for happiness. Your point about not needing people's approval resonates with me, but is it as simple as just letting go? Personally, I struggle with wanting to be liked. I remember in school, clinging to people who weren't worth my time because I didn’t want to be alone. Kudos to you for recognizing your brother's the real MVP in your life, that's invaluable. But, do you think saying you "don't NEED friends" might kinda block you from opening up to new, genuine connections? It’s all about finding that middle ground, I guess.
hey, I hear you, but isn't it a bit harsh to think you don't need friends?? even if friends aren't essential for survival, they make life a bit more colorful, right?? you say you're "letting go of the idea" that you need approval, but isn't seeking genuine friendships a form of that, too?? i've been there, feeling like friendships weren’t what I imagined, but it’s still worth nurturing the ones that show true promise. you mention being unpredictable or "too different," but maybe that's just who will connect with you naturally?? what do you think is stopping you from being open to friendships with no strings attached?? be a little open; you might be surprised!!!
i feel ya completely. it's like you're reading a page out of my life. you’re right – friendships aren’t just participation trophies. more like “don't settle for anything but the real thing.” 👌 i used to be in that loop of chasing whoever’s around and hoping they’d be "the one." it’s maddening when people can’t just hang out without ulterior motives, like c’mon! you needing to align with yourself first is spot on. i remember struggling with the same damn issue. having a solid bond with your brother is gold. kudos on realizing you’re great company as is, and don’t need to rely on external validation to feel whole. cheers to genuine connections and being real.