Life is so lonely and it's shattering
The story
I'll try to express my feelings as clear as possible (my mind usually goes blank when I go and try to type stuff), and I'm sorry if I might come of as rude or inconsiderate, it really isn't my intention. Trigger warning of dark thoughts mentioned, if that's appropiate.
I'm particularly a young person, at the end of my teenage years, and I feel that life hasn't been going so well. I do well academically, even have that fame of people expecting good stuff about me, yet it has been a long time I have felt any proud for this. Thing is that I am lonely, and have been this way pretty much since the start of my social life. I am not in the position of being bullied, which I am grateful to be. Actually, people are usually nice to me, but that's the limit. Nobody has been interested in becoming friends with me. I was fine with it before, but it has been hurting more and more as time passes. I have tried many times to make social interactions, which is a huge step for me—it takes a lot of courage for me to go out and expose myself, because I tend to be socially anxious. These just end up as simple, friendly conversations, and sometimes even embarrassing. After I try to keep contact with them, they just seem like they aren't that interested in forming a friendship. I know it IS a process, but it is hard to keep it up if you sense the other person not wanting to get into it.
Life in my school has been very simple, I just try to be a good student and be cool with everyone. However, people only get to acknowledge me when they need something, and sometimes I feel like I'm the last choice for that. Hell, I sometimes even feel like a robot following commands. If I am honest, all my school life just feels like a cycle. I wake up, prepare and go to school, receive classes (that's just it), and head back home to sleep and start a new loop. This cycle has gotten me tired lately, and it is hard to try to break it, since I can't make it any more interesting. Unlike other schools, mine doesn't have any clubs, and I can't really talk to any of my classmates, because they have grown up with this picture of me being quiet and unapproachable, and it hurts to be seen that way.
My life at home isn't that good also. I try to finish my homework rapidly, and then try to see what to do with my free time. Most of my free time has been spent learning about math and coding, which I love, so they have been my main time wasters. There's not much I do after that. I have online friends, but I feel severely disconnected from them. About my family, I love them, but I don't think I can talk to them about this, and I have reasons for that. My father is my closest familiar, but he doesn't like me expressing vulnerability, and let's not even mention my mother. She says she loves me, but I have felt that she just gives me what I need to live, and doesn't teach me about how to do stuff myself, like cooking or washing properly. She is a real angry person when (easily) provoked, and uses everything given to her against others, honestly I have felt like a burden to her.
Sometimes the whole idea of feeling lonely brings me to dark places. I start to question if people would miss me if I was gone. I have no intentions to do anything against myself, but I sometimes do wonder. I feel like a ghost in this world. No matter how hard I try to form bonds, these break apart. There aren't many options for me, either. My parents restrict me doing a lot of stuff that is usually advised in these cases. Sometimes it feels that I have no one in this world, that I am unlovable. I have to keep all my hardships within myself because I don't have anyone. And about the idea that forming connections as an adult is harder, brings less hope for me. It is all just so confusing, and so hurtful. You feel that you cannot connect with anyone, and don't know why. I sometimes wonder if I wasn't supposed to be in this world, that I don't fit here. It feels that you are the odd one out, in an ocean of perfectly aligned pieces of a whole jigsaw puzzle. I just stand here and wish I was "normal."
I sincerely don't know, I feel like it would be nice to have someone who can do stuff and talk with me from time to time, and not by obligation. I just hope someday I get to meet someone, and for it to actually work, for a first time in years. Hopefully my life in college will be better if I place effort on it. It would be nice to hear if someone here can relate to these feelings, and if you want to talk about it, I'm all ears. Even though I am an introvert, being alone all of my time sometimes gets to me. Any advice to my situation is welcomed. I hope you have a nice Christmas Eve, I'll try to have one.
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Points of view
while I get that you feel lonely and disconnected, I kinda think we sometimes need to take a step back and reassess. loneliness can sometimes be a self-fulfilling prophecy; you believe it, so it becomes reality. 😅 i remember when I was in college, things felt pretty similar, but looking back, there were tons of opportunities I didn't notice because I was too wrapped up in my own head.
consider this quote: "loneliness expresses the pain of being alone and solitude expresses the glory of being alone". sometimes perspective matters more than reality itself!!! you've mentioned a cycle and I wonder if it's more self-imposed than you're realizing. the hustle and bustle of academic life and being seen as the 'quiet person' can definitely limit social mobility, but maybe you're hyper-focusing on negatives without factoring in possible positives. your school life sounds a bit monotonous, yet it's a phase that defines only a part of you.
the bit about forming connections in adulthood honestly doesn't resonate with my experiences; i've found that college or a new work environment opens tons of networking opportunities and social interactions. it's less about the environment and more about taking initiative—take it from me, who was an introvert but found a niche in my industry community!
instead of focusing on what's lacking or restrictive at home, maybe there's room for creating a new kind of dynamic? subtle shifts can sometimes yield surprising results. just some food for thought—wishing you all the best!!! 😊
Hello there! I do agree with your perspective. Sometimes negative thoughts can fill up the mind, it has happened to me before. There has been some opportunities before, some I've taken (but didn't got them to work), and some I didn't. I think one of my main problems is that I tend to overthink, even when there really isn't any danger. It has gotten better, though (even got the guts to post this!), and I'm trying to work through it.
I do enjoy my alone time, it usually is quite peaceful, but sometimes feelings get to me and wish I had someone else with me. Although, I'm not really that sad as you may think. As I said, I have been working on my math and other skills, which bring some huge satisfaction. These small activities make my life more bearable for now. I may think some stuff when I'm upset, but I like to try and keep that hope that things will get better, sometime.
I'm glad that you were able to find your light! Your story does bring a good feeling. I guess you never know what awaits in the future, and that forming friendships in adulthood isn't that hard as I'm expecting it to be. I have tried to change my dynamics at home, but my parents are closed-minded, As you said, it is just a phase.
Thank you for taking the time to read and post a reply. Best wishes. ⭐
hey, i totally get what you're saying, and i feel you, man. don't sweat it, you're not alone in feeling this way, lots of folks go through similar stuff. like, when you talk about that “cycle” at school, it's like you're stuck in this never-ending loop, right? "life's what happens when you’re busy making other plans," as they say, and sometimes it feels like plans ain't going anywhere.
the bit about the loneliness and feeling like a ghost, oh boy, that hits hard. i experienced that too, kind of like floating around without really connecting with anyone, just doing your thing and hoping someone notices. you mentioned people being nice but not going beyond that; it does seem like friendships take forever to form when you're younger, especially if you're seen as someone who's "quiet and unapproachable"; still, loads of people out there are in the same boat, and that's comforting to think about.
i also get the family dynamics you describe, you know, loving them yet feeling misunderstood. it's a tricky situation for sure, like you're trying to find your place but keep hitting a wall. pretty common experience, in my opinion; the family should be safe space, but it's complicated, isn't it?
thinking about the future and college, i think there's definitely hope there, mate. been through it myself, and it's often a fresh start away from those high school labels. hang in there, and rest assured you're not odd or out of place; you're just finding your way, same as everyone else. you're doing fine, really; keep pushing through, and it'll pay off eventually. 🌟
Yeah, I know that I'm not the only one who feels this way. Sometimes it feels like it is just me who feels that way over my social circle, though, haha! School really feels like running in circles, but I always try to give the best version of myself, and to be calm knowing that it is just a small phase in my life.
It's comforting to hear that you also have resonated with what I've described here. That feeling is quite exhausting for sure. Since there really isn't any other people I could possibly try to meet for now (it's my last year at school), I have been coping by doing the stuff I enjoy, which brings me some happiness as time passes. I try to hold that there is hope in the future, that things may change for the better.
About my family, it is indeed complicated. I love them, but I don't trust them enough to tell them my personal issues. I had to express these feelings somewhere, hence why I am here.
I'm happy that it has gotten better for you, and I'd like to think it will for me, too. I believe college will be a new fresh start—people won't know me, so I can take the chance to change that picture of me, now that I'm more socially conscious. I'm trying to hang in there! Thank you for answering my post and for the sweet words. Wish you best! ✨