For roughly a decade, I've shared a close bond with a friend I'll refer to as Mike. We initially crossed paths while working together in my mid-twenties, and since then, we've continued to be a part of a larger friend group. However, since the onset of the pandemic, our gatherings have become less frequent, though they haven't completely stopped.

Mike has been in a committed relationship with someone we'll call Ella (36F) for about eight years, and they got engaged nearly two years ago. Both have children from previous relationships, and they make it a point to organize family trips almost every year. Over the years, I've consistently helped them out by watching their house and taking care of their pets while they travel. I've also been there for other favors, such as the time last winter when I picked Ella up from the airport during a snowstorm, thanks to my more capable vehicle. Overall, I've made myself very available for them on top of our friendship.

Around five weeks ago, I learned through another friend that Mike and Ella's wedding was imminent and that invitations had already been sent out to everyone but me. Being gay, I've occasionally felt excluded from certain events with straight friends, both in minor and significant ways, but this situation really made me reflect on where I stand with people. I decided to take the hint and start pulling back.

Just three days ago, Mike messaged me, inquiring if I was free in early-to-mid August. When I confirmed my availability, he asked if I could look after their property like before. I declined politely, replying, “sorry, I can’t.” This led to a phone call which, although polite, had an underlying tension. Eventually, I told him straightforwardly that I couldn’t keep visiting and helping out if my role was to be that of a background friend. After a brief pause, I mentioned my hurt feelings about being the only one from our circle not invited to the wedding. We ended our conversation on a positive note, however, with my best wishes for their wedding and a suggestion to catch up over drinks later.

Two days later, Ella texted me. She explained that Mike was upset by our conversation and that she felt responsible since she had the final say on the guest list. She insisted that my exclusion was a misunderstanding due to limited space at the venue and that other friends' partners were simply taking up the available slots. She hoped I would reconsider and agree to help them, as it would reassure Mike significantly.

Although I understand nobody owes me an invitation or their company, isn’t it fair for me to establish my own boundaries in light of theirs? I don’t see my friendships as transactions, but it feels as though they only reached out because they needed something, especially since they didn't even mention the wedding until they needed a favor for their honeymoon.

Imagine if this scenario played out in a reality show setting. The drama and tension could potentially amplify, capturing audience interest. Viewers might speculate on the nuances of friendship dynamics, feeling sympathy or perhaps alignment with the reactions from both sides. The element of public opinion could have added pressure, influencing how each person handled the situation, potentially leading to on-camera confrontations or heartfelt reconciliations.

Should I have been invited to the wedding?

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