2/2/25 2:19pm TW: TALK OF SELF HARM

"I feel when i question my skin starts to burn"

"why does my skin start to burn?"

fable - Gigi Perez

I've always struggled with self imagine, how to deal with my emotions and express them in

a healthy way.

Growing up i never viewed myself as beautiful and if i did it was cause i had a full face.

Growing up i never viewed my body as beautiful either.

I learned to starve myself, but why the effort if i was going to binge? but than again i was bulimic.

I fell in love with self imagine at roughly 8? sexualizing myself to get a chance at some sort of affection

"do you send?"

It felt good to be validated to dress cute, to be looked at...they paid attention even seemed to care.

Growing up my mom was an addict, she'd often choose her male partners over me, never cared about how i myself fell into addiction, how i was struggling to keep it together everyday.

I means you told me yourself you knew i was dabbling in drugs, hurting myself...hurting.

My dad had passed on earlier in my life so it was me and my half siblings.

I've come accustomed to being alone, I've grow comfortable with my own presence.

I can grow "lonely" often times, but I'd probably use the word yearning, yearning for connection more like conversation.

I often avoid people, groups, it doesn't really matter i just often seclude myself as much as possible, its like a back and forth battle between being alone and needing a spirit, in the end I'm usually alone by choice of course..

I found myself changing my appearance every week, my hair, makeup, style, opinions occasionally personality.

i wish i could explain myself fully, thoroughly, i need to be understood at least once i need to be heard even seen.

Eventually i thought i had tried everything, and well of course i wasn't satisfied i will never be. I'd learned what self harm was and so i had began from fifth grade to last year, I'm proudly clean though its a daily struggle to push the thoughts and urges away, I'm clean.

To feel the blade against my skin, the world seem comfortably quiet as my heart slows and my worries fade until due time.

I fallen in love with the pain the beauty of my scars. Actively engaging in self harm while being surrounded by people struggling with the same issue was difficult, i felt competitive and envious of people who had "better look scars" than mine, deeper ones, i wanted so badly to be validated to be loved thoroughly.

When i think back to those years i feel overwhelming with sorrow, i wish i had a me those years ago i needed me more than i needed anybody and yet all i could offer myself was cruel treatment and hurtful words. i didn't think I'd make it to 18, yet here i am in the flesh.

I have grown so much as a spirit and yet the only person who may care, who fully knows is me. Sometimes i forget I'm somebody too a being with opinions, motives, thoughts, and feelings.

I'm learning how to love what i see to accept it...me utterly.

I've developed a mindset, i have no competition, not in a "everyone else is ugly" type of way but i simply have no one to compare myself to.

On another note not only have i grown, so has me and my moms relationship, it started with her getting clean.

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