how to detach from someone with borderline personality disorder?
The story
so i’m 31 and i’ve been slowly trying to figure out how to emotionally detach from my mom, who i’m pretty sure has borderline personality disorder. it’s been a long time coming, honestly. like, growing up, everything felt like walking on eggshells. one minute she was the most loving person ever, hugging me, calling me her sunshine, and the next, she'd flip out over the tiniest thing, crying or yelling or giving me the silent treatment for days. it’s exhausting and confusing, and even now as an adult, i find myself second-guessing everything i say to her. i’m polite, i keep things calm, but it still somehow becomes my fault. she rewrites reality sometimes, like saying things never happened or twisting my words, and i get caught in this loop of trying to prove i’m not a bad daughter. i mean, how do you explain to someone that you just want space when they think space means abandonment?
i’ve been limiting calls and visits, just to protect my peace a bit, but that guilt creeps in, you know? like, she’s still my mom. she did raise me. she had her moments where she really tried. and i can see she’s hurting too, probably scared and lonely, but i can’t keep setting myself on fire to keep her warm. i’ve read about this stuff, and it all matches—splitting, emotional blackmail, intense fear of being alone—but i can’t go telling her, "hey, maybe you have this thing" because it’ll just blow up and i’ll be painted as the cruel, ungrateful daughter again. sometimes she’ll cry and say i’m the only person who really understands her, and then the next day she’ll say i don’t care about her at all. it’s such a weird cycle. i’m not angry at her, i’m just… tired. like bone-deep tired. but i still want to care from a distance, just not drown in her emotions anymore. is that even possible?
so i’m asking, how do you actually detach from someone like that, especially when it’s your own mom? like, not just ignore her, but truly stop getting pulled into the emotional chaos and the guilt traps? how do you stay kind without being a doormat? i wanna keep my heart open, not harden it, but also not be this emotional sponge anymore. i feel more hopeful lately, like i’m getting better at spotting the patterns and not reacting the same way. i journal, i breathe through it, i remind myself that it’s not all on me. but is it okay to still love someone and not want them super close? is that selfish? i’d love to hear how other people have handled stuff like this. i feel like i’m getting there, just… slowly. and that’s okay, right?
Stories in the same category
Points of view
I was someone who despised my mom because I knew how she was expressing herself was dysfunctional and abusive; however, just like you, I still cared for her (because she is my one and only mother), but it is exhausting being with her. So when I graduated high school, I chose a decently far college that was still a hassle to go to from home, but not impossible that I couldn't go back in case of an emergency.
My mom prefers to call, but I hate calling because the phone calls can be as long as an hour with her, and texting is less stressful than being on a call with her. So I ignored her calls and just sent texts. This method worked for me because she eventually figured out that I would respond to her texts, but not her calls, so if she wants to get to me, she has to text. (I sometimes answer her calls, but not often).
It also helped that my boyfriend gave me advice on how I should handle this. He is someone who believes family is important, but also understands not everyone has it as good as he does. So he told me that my mom does love me, but she loves me in an extremely flawed way because she is a flawed human (like everyone else). I think I found solace in those words because instead of hating my own mother, I was able to accept that I do love and care for her. I don't need to tolerate her dysfunctional behavior when it shows, and I can always walk away from it or say 'no' to her without resenting her or feeling guilty because I know she does care.
Obviously everyone is different, and perhaps some methods won't work. But I hope that my point of view offers some comfort. You can absolutely love someone and have that distance. Everyone has a different journey on how they heal from these kinds of experiences, but I think you are going in the right direction. Take time for yourself, and when you are ready to continue building your relationship with her, you can. And when you want to take another break again, do it.
detachment strategy seems a bit off here; been through this myself and honestly, it's just life with people, right? every interaction doesn't need a microscopic focus. embrace some preemptive boundary setting rather than this drawn-out emotional battle. been there, done that, didn't write a book about it!!! it ain't about cutting contact, but optimizing emotional bandwidth!!! sometimes, space is just space, not "abandonment" like you said;.. "self-protection is not crime," my therapist always mentioned. navigate through these turbulent emotive waters with a life raft, not an anchor!!!
i kinda get where you're coming from, but seems like you're making it more complicated than it needs to be; sure, it's tough dealing with family dynamics like that, but isn't it just a part of life for most of us??? "communication is key," as they say; have you tried just having a straightforward chat with her??? i did that with my mom once, and it surprisingly helped!!! maybe not about the whole BPD thing, but just clear boundaries. it'd be easier than navigating a constant emotional maze, right??? 🤔 do you think this guilt is more about her or about you??? hope things get clearer for you soon! 😊
honestly, you're overthinking it. everyone has issues with their parents, yours just comes with extra drama. yeah, it's tough, but you can lighten up a bit. not every call or visit needs to be analyzed like a therapy session. just do what's best for you, keep those boundaries firm!!! sure, love her from a distance!! not selfish, just smart. life's too short to be tangled in someone else's mess. you'll figure it out, just chill and trust your gut. it's all gonna be fine, really!!!
i see where you're coming from, but honestly, it sounds like you're attributing way too much to the situation!!! you're not alone here, we've all got our own parental baggage. "emotional detachment" might sound like a clinical approach, but sometimes simplicity is underrated. a friend of mine was in a similar conundrum, and he realized that sometimes it's about "choosing the battles you're willing to fight.” it's like in conflict resolution theory, where compromise and collaboration bring better outcomes 😊!!! have you explored any of those strategies to make it less draining? it's worth considering that your mom's reactions are not the whole spectrum of your relationship, so maybe focusing on the positive elements could bring a balanced perspective; you'll find your way through this maze, just take it one step at a time!!!
i see your point but maybe you're overemphasizing the need to detach emotionally. navigating familial relationships often requires a nuanced approach. "every action has an equal and opposite reaction" applies here. there's potential to improve your dynamic with your mom without complete detachment. many have reconciled by fostering understanding rather than distance. perhaps explore communication techniques that could shift the dynamic? understanding doesn't always demand distance. use personal boundaries thoughtfully; balance is key here 😊.
totally get where you're coming from, and it sounds like you're handling it the best you can. had a similar situation with my dad, and it was exhausting. setting boundaries is completely reasonable, and honestly, you gotta take care of yourself first. it's tough to balance the love and distance; i found it helpful to keep interactions short and positive. you can love someone and not want them too close, it's just about keeping your own peace. hang in there, you're making progress, and that's what matters; you'll get through this!