I don't feel like my country is a country

The office is exhausting, a place where hell itself is stirred. There's no unity, only factions, so nothing is said. The important thing is to pretend we're in some bygone era, to pretend we're living under civilized conditions. It's unbelievable. I can't even get home because the water service isn't always reliable, and I have to be there whenever they say it will be, which is just ridiculous, and luckily I had some water at all. I'm grateful to have a home, and I'm grateful to feel, right now, in these moments, that there's some future. I've sensed, for some time now at least, the subtlest conversations, but at the same time, they imply a farewell embrace, said without any fuss, but in a way that understands, that acknowledges that we're on our own and there's no chance of sharing principles. My boss is a disaster right now, my friend is at odds with all the authorities, maybe less so with her boss, perhaps. It's survival par excellence, at all costs, by any means necessary to achieve results. Of course, the issue is always limited, on everyone's part, to finding that thing, that thing where they have suffered and therefore also know how to inflict suffering, reaching the point where it goes unnoticed, where the imposition is permitted, precisely because it's not realized in time; my boss used to abuse this. How annoying to have to express these indignations in language, because they are extremely subtle things, which in themselves are not part of any citizenry. This coexistence with the people is annoying, because people aren't looking out for the people, but for their families, and it's because they have no other choice, in order to achieve their survival. If the people are not cared for, the family cannot be cared for. The family is being used as an excuse, as a facade, to do whatever one wants, to justify actions, disregarding universal coexistence, which is that of the people, in terms of what their law establishes. This law, while flexible, differs from those family principles. But the issue is that not many understand this; rather, they run from it. I see that they are running from me precisely because I am now making my principles the law and not the family, making the family a camouflage for the exercise of the law. And that is how it should be, because of the gestures, because of the individual before others, but in accordance with the law. But people take it as an illusion with their feelings, which, if it breaks down, they must abandon, when in theory it should be, from the outset, the act of exercising individuality, without group formations, which in themselves detract from the very essence of a people as a people, based on the principles it applies and which are in accordance with... The circumstances he experiences, that's all, and what prepares him or opens him up to the principles of other peoples, but I insist, I don't know who on earth could understand this in the cultures I come from, so I feel completely alone in this spirit and under the constant urge to reflect through platforms that allow it, instead of it being the everyday thing, precisely under that effort to manage to sustain oneself in life, and which is not an act of containment, of control, of reprisal in any way, it is not something that another can do, but rather it is precisely the exercise through that distance from what happens, formulated through the review of the applied elements of the law, in order to make observations, discernments, and be able to observe the particular case in order to find a generality that allows vision of other similar cases, if no new one arises, and for which it is necessary to reformulate the generality if the issue does not turn out to be polymorphous from several generalities, but which can still lead to a generality, let's say superior one.

Despite everything, I don't know who I can explain any of this to. People are now afraid that I'm going down this path, that I'm now seeing things that are out of line, and that I'm creating chaos, just like they do, to gain control over others, and they're pushing me away. Being a citizen in my town is grounds for exclusion due to a social imperative, not the law, and that makes me feel demotivated, because it clearly shows that serving the nation isn't what people are aiming for; instead, they want to live their lives completely detached from politics. For God's sake, I can't tell my boss about any of this because he'll surely use it for his propaganda rhetoric, which is utterly nauseating in my opinion. I don't feel that I'm gaining the support I want on these platforms either, I admit, the support I want for a better country, which should be achieved through conversation with citizens, but instead, I run into someone with that kind of bias that distances me, that doesn't like me. Indeed, what I'm saying might fall into the hands of someone from the town, but at the same time, it might not.

Writing these lines is the most I can do for my country, because the people themselves don't allow me to be a patriot. Patriotism is something abandoned; in fact, the project of being a nation has gone completely to hell. I left my home and found that there was no country, confirming my relatives' well-honed manipulative spirits, for it is through them that one manages to have a life, to defend freedom, to do something, at least some expectation, in the midst of this savage situation, completely devoid of civilization. And that is what justifies my being with my friend, who knows how to navigate the law, but through the law of shattering expectations, which restrains others, which makes me feel safe, which allows me to live my life without having to submit myself to the collective. Being with her is the best thing because of that, and also because she takes care of me at all costs. She prioritizes order with me above all else, and she manages to see the justification—of course, I give it to her in a way she can grasp—to get things done. She comes down to earth with me, protects my spirit, and stops me from being alone in the midst of this totally fragmented country, which I feel disappointed in because they deceived me with the idea that I was a citizen of a republic, and it was a lie. The paperwork only gave me illusions because there is no such thing in practice; there is no people, only groups trying to survive. My boss wouldn't understand a single word of what I'm saying, and neither would the teacher. That's something he needs to understand, but he got himself into the very trap of trying to make a purely political professional. What a huge disappointment. If there aren't these kinds of individuals, and if they're supported and embraced, and they manage to reach great heights, I can't expect anything from the people themselves anymore. I can't, I simply can't. Instead, I have to act for my friend, for her assertiveness, to create that distance from others so she can live her life as she wants. Of course, this brings her problems because by putting others in a difficult position, they manage to break free from where they want to be whenever and however they can, even radically if possible. I literally destroyed my boss because he was getting away with everything, leaving everyone else in hell, while he came out on top, by any means necessary, at the cost of leaving the whole world at his mercy, whenever he wanted, and all with a smile. It was a dictatorship that wasn't explicitly stated but was described, spoken of through jokes and silence. My friend is assertive, but she lives by keeping her distance from others, by being able to live her own life, not by having them at her mercy, as my boss did. That's why I preferred her to him, that's why I preferred her care, and that she allowed me to live my life as I liked; something in which my boss had to constantly defend me from him because he wanted to absorb me, but for him I wasn't doing anything to make me say that, that is, he lived off my words, keeping quiet and doing things that couldn't be said.

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