I got hit by the Bi Cycle...
The story
And wish it'd been an actual bicycle instead. I'm a bisexual man living in an authoritarian homophobic country. A few years ago I experienced a heart-shattering breakup, as my only soulmate and only physical relationship I've had (a girl) left me over something stupid I did (got expelled from university and hid it from her; it was more the broken trust aspect of it to her than anything). I hadn't been a very happy man before that either. All my life I've felt isolated and alienated, being bisexual, overly sensitive, overweight, nerdy, introverted, and teetotal. I grew a thick shell around me to silence my inner child/core being and reduce the sensitiveness, and it worked. But it turned out that love brings it all back out, the good and the bad.
My soulmate was the only person I've ever felt a deep connection to, who felt like someone who really understood me or at least parts of me better than anyone could. With her gone, and most of my immediate family dead to cancer, Alzheimer's, heart attacks and whatnot, I was at a complete loss. I retreated back into my shell, and it was all extinguished again, the good and the bad. My capacity for tender, genuine love - which she'd been surprised greatly by, only knowing me as the sarcastic jester - and my oversensitivity, which sometimes caused me to read too much into some poorly communicated words or actions. I was in great pain for a few months and slept a lot, until the death throes ceased, and I went back to this bland apathetic existence of a dead inside sarcastic cynic.
Until a few days ago, when it felt like some kind of other person took control of my body. I'd been noticing it for a while, the ever-increasing buildup inside of me towards homosexual attraction. While normally I was more interested in women, I'd been noticing more and more attraction to men these last years. It lasted longer than usual and felt much stronger. And finally, something within broke and gave in to the urges. I found the two biggest underground resources for gay dating that still remained in my country and posted a profile there. I knew it was stupid, with every ounce of my rationality remaining, but I couldn't help but watch from the sidelines as the other me was overtaken by the fantasy of someone replying to my profile, and me getting to kiss a boy for the first time in my life...
But of course, nothing happened. I know, I know, it's even dumber to expect results in just a few days. However, there are a few things you can't escape from. A few people left comments like "well damn" and "pfft, good luck with that". I also met a guy online who is, unlike me, young and thin and feminine, and using those same resources, he struggled to find love for years, because apparently most people just want an ONS or FWB. If he didn't have a chance, what could I possibly hope for? Look at them, so young and pretty, most of them attracted to each other. Even if some of them want genuine love, what do I bring to the table? An unemployed overweight loser with a crappy apartment, approaching 30. I felt creepy, and sick, and like an abomination. Who cares that you want to kiss a boy and hold him forever and tell him how precious and sweet he is. Who do you think you are to deserve that?
I spent the entirety of yesterday in feverish, sleepy anxiety, so reminiscent of the worst days of my depression, and eventually went to sleep early and slept for 12 hours. I felt better the next day, sleep does help, but some fear, anxiety, and disgust was still there. People who hear my story always tell me how strong I am that I carry on despite everything. Bullshit. I've never felt strong. I just have extreme thanatophobia and anhedonia, not to mention being teetotal, so it looks like I'm strong from the outside. Still alive, and not drunk in a ditch, what more could you ask for. So don't worry, dear reader. I'm not gonna go and off myself after this - Death does not deserve such a gift, and never has, especially after all it's taken from me. But I do feel a part of myself dying again. Love and desire and the desperate scream of a child who didn't get to grow up properly and who's more touch starved than a pharaoh's mummy slowly evaporating and drowning out. Come tomorrow, I will be a functioning adult again. A husk of a man in reality.
Despite this, I will continue to do what I can to improve myself, of course. I will try to shut up my anxiety attacks, clean up the most used areas of my apartment to the best of my ability, and even eat less and go at it on my newly bought exercise bike - a poor man's Ozempic called willpower, that I'd always been sorely lacking, but anhedonia makes it much easier. Maybe, just maybe, years later, when I'm yet older, I'll have a chance to try again. Maybe I'll have a better body and financial situation. I don't know if I'll want to try. I'm so fucking scared to end up like Stephen Fry and start dating again when I'm already 57 or something. And I feel sick to the bone at the cruelty of this world, for putting me in a body full of desires that can't be fulfilled and fears that can't be avoided. Whatever. Life is unfair. Come nightfall, and take it all away. Shed a tear for me, dear reader - mine have dried up a long time ago.
Stories in the same category
Points of view
i get where you're coming from, but I have to point out that it's not all doom and gloom!! life can be really unpredictable, and sometimes the best connections come from the least expected places. 🤷♂️ it's tough dealing with the cards you've been dealt, especially in a country that doesn't support who you are, but don't lose hope just yet; i've had friends in similar situations who eventually found their own sense of secure identity despite the odds. sometimes, it's about small steps, like you mentioned with the exercise bike – progress isn't linear, and every little bit counts. 🏋️♂️
do you really think being in a better financial or physical state is the key to finding love? i mean, sure, those things help, but i've known people who found meaningful relationships at their low points. it's more about the energy you emit! i recall a friend who met their partner while volunteering – they were both passionate about the cause, and that shared value sparked something genuine.
well, i find it interesting that you mentioned Stephen Fry! he's a great example of someone who embraced his truth later in life. remember, "it's never too late to be what you might have been," as george eliot said. life is full of second chances, and sometimes it's just about weathering the storm until you find that peaceful harbor. 🤔 but hey, i totally get the frustration and feel you when it comes to longing for something more fulfilling. it's just so hard sometimes, you know?!?! it's not about deserving or not; everyone deserves love and happiness in their own unique forms. hang in there, and maybe the universe will surprise you someday! 😊
Hey, I feel you! Life can be a real rollercoaster; it seems like you’ve been through so much, and it’s totally understandable. Finding love is never easy, especially when you're facing all these roadblocks. I think it’s great you’ve got an exercise bike now. Baby steps, right? Like they say, "Rome wasn’t built in a day." It's awesome that you’re focusing on improving yourself!!! I honestly believe things can turn around when you least expect it. You mentioned being scared about finding love late like Stephen Fry. But everyone’s got their own timeline, you know? Life's got a funny way of surprising you when you’re just doing your thing. Keep your chin up; you might just find what you're looking for when you least expect it 😊
dude, seriously? you’re acting like it's the end of the world or something; everyone goes through rough patches, and yours isn't any different. sure, your country's got its issues, but making a big drama out of it ain't gonna solve anything. me? i had my share of bad times too when i was jobless, broke, and yeah, heartbroken. but come on, whining online won’t magically fix stuff.
you're overthinking it all, like it's some kind of mission impossible to find love if you're not a model or rich. honestly, it's really not just about looks or bank accounts. have you ever thought that maybe it's your attitude that's scaring people off? change that and maybe things will improve.
also, stop worrying about becoming another stephen fry or whatever. life’s not a race, and comparing yourself to famous folks is just bonkers. everybody's journey is different, man, and this pity party you’re throwing isn’t doing you any favors. you need to chill out, focus on being a better version of yourself, and maybe the pieces will fall into place. life’s too short to be all doom and gloom, you know? 🙄
honestly, I get that things seem bleak right now, but it's important to remember that everyone experiences hardships. it's easy to feel isolated when you're dealing with all this stuff, but you're not alone; others have navigated similar paths.
maybe you're focusing too much on what you think are shortcomings, like your financial state or body image. but remember, "beauty is in the eye of the beholder" and there's so much more to a person than superficial traits. i've heard stories about people who've flipped the script and found happiness in the most unexpected ways.
and about that fear of ending up like some public figure who's found love later in life – let's be real, everyone has their own timeline, and comparing yourself can be a losing game. sometimes it's about finding contentment in the journey, not just the destination. embracing where you are now could open doors you never even knew were there! 😌
it’s true that love and acceptance can feel like uphill battles, especially in a tough environment. "life ain’t always sunshine and rainbows," as they say, and your feelings are valid. 😊
sometimes life throws these curveballs, and it's rough. i remember when I went through a breakup and felt like the world was caving in. but you'll find that pushing through those moments can lead to unexpected strength and self-discovery.
i agree it can be hard, but every step you take, even buying that exercise bike, is a move in a positive direction. it's all about taking small steps and being kind to yourself. keep your head up, and who knows, life might surprise you in the most unexpected ways!