I just feel stuck, I feel like I'm not taking control of my life and I'm shaming myself for it which doesn't help but I also feel too lazy to even take control of my life. When I mean take control, I mean I need to stop doing whatever for my parents to keep the peace because it doesn't help me at all, feels like I'm just slowly dying and not fulfilling anything lately. I don't have anyone to talk to, I did try to make friends online but I haven't met anyone that I would consider a friend friend. Plus after a day or even days, I have a hard habit of assuming that people secretly hate me and have no interest so I try and end it. I didn't know this still alive until I noticed I did it again.

I was finally able to get a doctor but I didn't get to talk about how I'm feeling and that I need a therapist, that I'm trans. I actually found out a feminist clinic that caters but idk how I didn't find it before with the amount of searching I did before.

I'm just confused about my emotions, I feel fine and happy sometimes but I also have a bunch of stuff, it just lurks, what I mean is parents that don't like queer people, next steps. It's a reason I'm in no rush, when I feel happy or fine then I assume that I am and then feel overdramatic for trying to get ready to get away from my family as quick as possible.

My parents are toxic people yet feel normal sometimes and if you're feeling and having good times with them, then next you involve your feelings then it's gonna hurt you. When I noticed this when I was younger, I detached to all the interactions because I knew they'll be nice but eventually they'll make you cry over something stupid, make you feel unloved. I don't know how to describe what it's like to live in a house where everything feels normal and you start to feel normal and forget that it's actually not because the people inside the home don't know you and if they ever did then they would hate you. When it's been years, you just forget, they'll keep addressing you how they wanna address you and dress you up how they wanna dress you up and then get angry at you for not enjoying it, and the whole time you'll just feel like your dying. You don't notice until it happens again.

I notice I go through that cycle. I watched the film "I saw the TV glow" at 16 and I watched it again recently. It does fill me with dread and it reminds me that I'm not even living and not even as me.

I have things or goals I could do but I don't, I don't even feel any way about them, I just know they'll be helpful. Driving for example. I just wish I could go back to where I was happy and pretty content with life.

I graduate high school next week, family is doing this big thing. I seen that one of my favorite bands is actually going to the place I'll be around the same time, I wish I could go to that instead. I'm in desperate need of the type of music they make.

Anywho, thanks to anyone who read this and have a great thing! 💖 Anything is appreciated.

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