Porn is ruining my life
The story
When i was young I had a few inappropriate sexual encounters that I think have ruined me more than I realized. As an adult I'm addicted to porn. Not only that, when I first got the internet I was exposed to everything. Gore, porn, underage porn, everything. Now when I'm online I feel like I turn into a numb zombie, with a one track mind. a ride I can't get off, there is no escape and I feel like death is the only way to redeem myself or put an end to these compulsions.
As an adult I spend more time finding porn than actually looking at it. for the last few years I have been trying to find new, different stuff to be excited about. This has turned into me losing control. When the idea pops in my head I jump into the passenger seat of my own mind. I feel like I have no control. I start digging, grey out, then come back to reality, disgusted, depressed, and frantic.
I spend most of my waking hours depressed, frantic, and paranoid. The addiction is no longer fun or satisfying. it is a pure compulsive behavior and I really don't know what to do. The reason for the extreme guilt and disgust is due to the sites I visit. I've always sought amateur Webcam type content, I think traditional porn is too fake. the problem is some of the sites I found with this type of content had underage content. In the moment, it doesn't bother me, afterwards I want to die.
in reality those thoughts are not in my mind. I have come to the conclusion that I seem to be addicted to "finding something not meant to be found" or even worse, im addicted to depression. when i feel good about myself, have a good day or get some kind of self confidence boost, it sends me into a spiral and I feel like i need to remind myself im a huge piece of shit and kick me down where I need to be.
i have never saved or shared any illegal content, the disturbing thing is if you just google the right words everything is easy to find and access. I cant tell anyone, I even started therapy but can't speak the real truth. I don't even know if this is truly anynoymous, at this point I feel like turning myself into the police just so I can be removed from all access to the internet. I don't believe im a bad person, I don't actually have perverse thoughts about doing anything taboo. I'm just addicted to digging into the depths of the internet, getting disgusted with myself, and finding a valid reason to end my own life.
ill probably get judged here, but i really need advice on how to be the person I truly am and get rid of this monster taking over my brain.
Stories in the same category
Points of view
Hey, thanks for putting your story out there. It's a lot to unpack, but I gotta say, I think you might be too hard on yourself 🤔. The internet’s a huge abyss, and honestly, we all stumble upon stuff we wish we hadn't. I'm wondering though, about your take on addiction... Do you see it as just a habit that's become routine? “Feeling like death is the only way”—that sounds extreme, you sure there's no other way? I mean, seeking help without judgment is key. Why not be real with your therapist? It's their job to help you through it, no judgment. Hang in there.
I just feel like the stigma is so strong even mentioning something so abhorrent would result in judgment. i say addiction because I literally feel like I have no control. which may be minimizing my actions. but the fact that I'm so distraught and unhappy makes me feel like I'm hopelessly stuck in a cycle I can't escape. I'm not trying to minimize my own actions, I just really don't feel like I'm in control.
thanks for the support. I want to bring it up in therapy, there is just so much shame and self hatred I feel like they won't be able to help me. I'm just lost honestly.
hey there, I appreciate you opening up about your experience; it's definitely a heavy topic. while I understand you're in a difficult spot, I must mention that your conclusion of feeling like "death is the only way" seems quite intense; wouldn't pursuing more specialized assistance be an option worth exploring? 😟 it seems the narrative you constructed around your addiction involves complex dynamics, such as compulsive behavior and suppressed desires related to the darker side of cyberspace. addiction, as I see it, is profoundly interwoven with neurological pathways that reinforce specific behavior patterns until they feel like a compulsion. have you considered how these might be adjusted through alternative coping mechanisms?? while chasing after "finding something not meant to be found" sounds rather self-destructive, acknowledging it paves the way for interventions. remember, opening up to fully express your story to a therapist might be more beneficial than anticipated; could that be a step forward for you?
i think so, just finding the courage to look someone in the eye and says these things out loud is so daunting. I know I don't want to die but I can't even look at myself in the mirror without feeling like im a terrible person. I just really feel helpless but I think being completely open with the therapist is a real solution. It just seems so hard because he is a sweet old man and I don't want to bring anyone else into this pit with me.
I've been reading about addiction, OCD, depression, trying to understand what is happening. The thing that seems somewhat different for me, and what really scares me, is that in the moment I feel like a prisoner behind my eyes. I see what I'm doing but all I can do is watch and wish I'd stop.
i think this is a good first step, being honest in this forum, but holding myself accountable and taking control of my actions is the goal. thank you for the reply, today is a new day and my new mantra is "i don't care about tomorrow, today im not going to do it." breaking it down in small chunks is less daunting. tomorrow I have my weekly therapy, ill see if I have the courage to broach this topic fully.
if you have any resources or ideas about more specialized help im very curious. I don't even want to Google my problem. I'm a mess.
You had the courage and motivation to find a place to speak, that's already a great step! 💪
Hey there, I just want to say that I really appreciate your bravery in sharing your story. It's clear you're going through a tough time, and that's not something anyone should handle alone. It's true, the internet is a wild place, and finding the wrong stuff is way too easy; life can sometimes feel like it's spiraling out of control when those habits take over. It’s a tough cycle to break, but you're already taking the first step by recognizing there’s an issue and wanting to change. I used to struggle with a bad habit myself. It can feel like you’re stuck, but I promise there’s light at the end of the tunnel. Therapy might feel awkward at first, but honesty there will really help. Don’t be too hard on yourself; be patient and kind while working on this. You've got this, and there are people who want to help you reach out and find them.
thank you for the kind words! Im trying to tell myself "I lost the battle today, but the war is still winnable"
Trying to be kind but every failure makes it tough. This thread is helping me address it outside of my own brain, which I think is helping in itself.
I love your mentality 😍
That makes one of us 🤣
I'm trying to fall back in love with myself.
It will work, I am sure! :)
thank you, you are very kind :)
I totally resonate with your experience; it's both raw and honest. it's undeniable how the internet acts as a double-edged sword, offering glimpses into such dark and uncontrolled spaces😔. when you mention feeling like a "numb zombie," I get it––technology can indeed exacerbate feelings of dissociation and lead one down a rabbit hole. dealing with compulsive behaviors, particularly when intertwined with internet content, can create neural pathways reinforcing immediate yet often transient gratifications, which is something I've personally contended with as well. your account of spending more time "finding" than "viewing" resonates with the paradox of chasing unobtainable satisfaction; isn't it unsettling how it underscores the illusory satisfaction in these pursuits? although your insight into being "addicted to digging into the depths" provides a glimpse into the compulsion's root, I can't help but wonder about the potential for therapeutic interventions to disrupt this cycle?? engaging honestly in therapy about these struggles, as intimidating as it may seem, could perhaps illuminate paths toward sustainable change, don't you think?
hey, I can totally relate to what you’re going through. it’s super easy to feel lost online; the internet can be a crazy place. when you said, “I feel like a numb zombie,” I totally get that. been there myself with things taking over my head. but trust me, it’s okay to feel this way sometimes 😅. I respect your honesty, and sharing is an important step; I used to think there was no way out too, but small steps really make a big difference. maybe finding someone to talk to, like a trusted buddy or therapist, could be a game changer? you're already doing great by talking about it. hang in there, mate!