Why can't that happen to me?
The story
I'm not proud of it, but I'm man enough to say it: as someone who's had to struggle for my education, in my social life/interactions as a black woman, and honestly life in general due to my mental health and depression, I get a deep seated irritation for people who are deeply insecure (just like I am) when they're doing so much better in life than I am. And before someone tells me that the grass is greener on the other side, or that I don't know what other people are going through, I already know. It's just that I honestly feel so deeply alone sometimes, especially in my college and sorority. No one else I know around me has had to work 3-4 jobs to pay for their education, no one I know has had their grades dip because they have to juggle working and school. No one else that I interact with on a daily basis has had such awful experiences with men like I've had. Everyone is insecure, yet it seems to me like everyone else just fits in better that I do. The amount of times my friends tell me about their new internship/job/boyfriend and how well it's going is amazing. I'm simultaneously happy and envious of them. Why can't that happen to me? What am I doing wrong? I try and put 110% effort into everything I do, and yet I feel like I have not nearly as much to show for it. On top of that, I feel so terrible for even feeling envious. I want my friends to succeed, I want them to thrive, I just want to be able to do that too. In my social life I feel like I'm always too much or not enough. I may be part of a group, but I don't feel part of it. Most often I just feel like I'm just there to be there. I feel like no one will miss me if I left. The societal and patriarchal pressure to feel cool, to be liked, and to at least be desired makes me both disgusted with myself and sad. As a Christian, the only person I should be seeking approval from is the Lord, and yet the voices, thoughts, and opinions of others never leave my mind. Am I just not interesting? Am I annoying? I feel like the only way I'm seen is by being funny, and it leads to a lot of people looking down on me as less smart, capable and mature. I feel myself more and more wanting to shrink into nothing, to ghost everyone I know and just transfer schools, or stop going to school entirely. I'm exhausted truthfully, all the time. My back hurts and so does my soul. So when my friends vent to me, I can't help but be annoyed because their issues are mostly caused by their own head. They have so much going for them, what could possibly be wrong? And I know my thinking is wrong too, because compared with others I'm incredibly blessed, but life feels so hard right now and I don't see a way out. I try and act confident and assertive and sure of myself, but I don't feel like it works. Most often I feel like I stick out like a sore thumb, and like I don't belong anywhere. I'm a rising senior in college, and I'm just dreading going back after the summer. I feel like not even my friends would get this if I explained it to them.
Stories in the same category
Points of view
it sounds like you're going through a really tough time, and it's completely understandable to feel overwhelmed when you're juggling so much; it can be hard not to compare yourself with others, especially in an environment where everyone seems to have it easy. I just want to say that what you're feeling is valid, and even if it might seem like your friends wouldn't get it, opening up could really help them understand your perspective. sometimes life feels like an uphill battle, but recognizing your feelings is a big step towards finding some relief. remember, your journey doesn't have to mirror anyone else's!! you're doing the best you can, and that's important too...
Hey girl. Fellow black woman who's lived life on struggle mode here. I just want to say a couple things. First, your feelings are valid and normal. The internet has no nuance when dealing with envy but truthfully it's a normal human emotion that we have to manage in a healthy way - just like anger. If your envy doesn't have you lashing out at your friends, then you don't need to be ashamed for feeling it. Next, I want to validate your struggle. You are working HARD. I too had to pay my way through school, but a scholarship helped with some of the load. Working 3+ jobs while still passing sounds so hard, but also impressive. I'm proud of your progress. I know it's back breaking and difficult, but do know other people get you. You're not the first or last college student to have to work hard every day just to live. You're not alone in this. If others did it, you can too. Next, I want to point out that you're a senior. YOU'RE ALMOST DONE! You say there's no way out but the way is so clear. If your industry has paid internships or relevant part time work, try for one. It'll be much more useful than odd jobs. If not, make sure your part time work is tangentially relevant to your career (for example, one of my college jobs was at office depot in copy and print. My first big girl job was coodinating a marketing department's print mail pieces). Then graduate, get the job you worked hard for, and take a breath. You WILL make it. My final point - you say your friends annoy you because their problems are all in their heads. Believe it or not, so are yours. There are physical difficulties, yes, but do you believe no one has ever been able to juggle a difficult life and yet be happy? Do you think these voices in your head might be doing you some unnecessary harm? I'm in therapy - I know black people and religious black people don't believe in that - but you may find it beneficial. Right now, my therapist and I are working on me seeing the world in truth only. As humans, we see the truth (ex: my friend didn't invite me to the party) and attached an assumed meaning (ex: that means my friend doesn't like me) and an assumed error with self (and she doesn't like me because I'm boring and don't fit in and am a bad person). When really, the truth could be different and that meaning we've added could be needless pain we're giving ourselves (ex: the truth was my friend didn't invite me to the party. It could be for any reason, like that she knew I'd have work the next morning.) Therapy could help you find coping mechanisms for your stress, and find nicer more honest ways to talk to yourself.