I’m slipping into a mentality that scares me
The story
I’m struggling a lot with life I think, and finding myself thinking or fantasizing what the world would be like without me in it which I’m really worried about. It started in Nov of 2023, when I got this certification for my field of work. I felt really proud of myself as it was a really big deal, and thought that things would only go up from there. Fast forward a couple of months, me and my ex, my first really serious relationship, split up. Without going into too much detail, we both had issues with the other person, both did crappy things (probably moreso me), and knew it wasn’t healthy to continue. We agreed to still live together as roommates, as neither of us can afford to really live on our own, and felt we were still friends at the end of it all. At first I think I just suppressed it, tried distracting myself with activities, work, playing games with online friends, etc. I didn’t start realizing how I really felt until about 5 months later, when I just kinda realized I wasn’t over her. I told her how I felt and she agreed to work on it but that it was going to take some serious time. Over the next few months I tried working it out and fixing things, albeit going about it the wrong way and lovebombing, becoming exhausted and putting me in a really bad spot mentally. She text me one day when I was at work saying she couldn’t reignite feelings and she didn’t want to continue trying, and that I should’ve figured myself out sooner (but also not? idk I still can’t wrap my head around that one). To her credit she would come check in on me at first, and I guess I missed the hint as I had been under the impression that she wanted nothing to do with me relationship wise ever again. I felt crushed I think, and in a way led on but I knew that really wasn’t her fault. I told her I also didn’t have feelings anymore being a lie, moreso I just don’t want to have feelings anymore. Since then I’ve been in a limbo, it’s felt downhill ever since. On top of all of this going on, work was really demanding over the last year as my supervisor was absent for maybe a collective quarter of the year to the point that I couldn’t remember the last time he worked a full work week consecutively (which is uncommon in my field), which mentally and physically drained me even more. My online friends also turned out to not be who I thought they were, and started talking to them less and less. I tried therapy for awhile, but that wasn’t really working. Fast forward to now, I’m constantly in a deep depression. Hearing her laugh in her room playing games with friends and knowing she now has a boyfriend is almost like a constant punch in the gut. I’m getting back into my hobbies which is helping a little bit, but like i’d mentioned I still think about the world without me in it, and even though I think about something else almost immediately, I’m thinking about it more and more lately. I know I need to get out of this house, but I don’t know where to go, plus for better or worse I still care about her and don’t want her to struggle finding a place either. I feel trapped and alone I think. Sorry for the long post, been holding onto this one for awhile.
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Points of view
it appears you are indeed mired in a highly complicated quagmire, yet your narrative resonates with me profoundly. the convergence of personal strife and professional demands is a familiar terrain; like walking a tightrope while juggling discordant spheres of life. i can't help but feel deeply skeptical whether the path you're taking is sustainable, particularly when it feels like the emotional burdens are suffocating you. "The struggle is real," as they say, and I've observed the toll such a tumultuous period can take on one's mental fortitude.
i've traversed a similar path myself—drowning under the weight of work pressures compounded by personal heartbreak—and I must admit, it felt like an insurmountable uphill battle. in my opinion, remaining in a shared living space with your ex is a recipe for perpetual emotional turmoil; akin to being trapped in an endless loop of raw and unresolved sentiments. the notion of self-care seems almost like an afterthought in your tale, and it leaves me questioning if you're genuinely prioritizing your well-being.
though daunting, the pursuit of environments and relationships that truly nurture your growth should be paramount, rather than lingering in a situation where it feels like you're being crushed under the weight of it all. it’s perplexing that therapy didn’t yield any dividends for you, which makes me dubious about the strategies employed during those sessions. it's high time to reassess your trajectory, as your current path appears unsustainable at best.
man, sounds like you’re really in the thick of it... gotta say, your story hits hard... i get it, life just keeps piling on the stress 💔... breakups are rough, and living with your ex? total bummer... i mean, who even does that?... work’s a nightmare with your boss missing in action 🤦♂️... i feel ya, juggling all that’s gotta be maddening... at least you’re tryna pick up your hobbies again... that’s a start? but dude... thinking about checking out permanently? not cool; gotta find a way to chill, seriously... maybe moving out would be smart, but you’re also stuck with the rent thing 😕... reminds me of being stuck in a bad movie or something, no joke... hope you catch a break soon... hang in there!!!!
I totally get where you're coming from! Breakups combined with work stress are like a double whammy. I've been through something similar, and it can feel like you're getting hit from all sides. It's great you're picking up your hobbies again; that's a good step! I know it seems tough now, but things can get better!!! 👍 Keep pushing through, and you'll find your way. Change isn't easy, but it's totally possible—and worth it! Remember, you're stronger than you think, and this will pass... Hang in there!!!