[Translated from Portuguese. Reminder: IIWIARS is English only]

Hi guys. Well… to start, I am (m). I prefer not say my age but I am very young. What I want to say, and also ask for advice, is about something that is bothering me a lot in the last months. Since February actually.

Like I was saying, I am a boy, I really like rock music in general. My favorite band is Linkin Park. I am learning keyboard for about one year. I have actually some talent for music in general. Since I was little I was always good with it. Because of that, some time ago I made a band with some friends. I am the vocalist and keyboard player. We never really did anything. But the band exists.

This was just a superficial presentation of me. Nothing very important.

But the real question is that, like I said, in the last times I am having kind of bad thoughts. Things like being unmotivated with life, having to see other people becoming better than me and also having to hear words of less value against me. This is routine. My parents always raised me to be the best in everything I do. And in some way this is right. I also always wanted to be the best. And this is not an egoist thought. If there are people better than me, ok. I really don’t care. But I have to stay quiet and hear many things my parents say that end up hurting me. They don’t say it with bad intention. I know that. They love me and want my good. But I always feel inferior to everyone. Sometimes I hear things from my parents like: “are you dumb?” or “you always make the same mistake”. Things like that. I ended accepting a reality that I am useless. If I disappeared, maybe others would be happier.

This is not just a teenager nonsense talk (I know, every teenager would say that). But I really need advice or help. Because if I really am a burden or just useless, there is no reason for me to continue existing and disturbing others. I always manage to make my parents sad or angry. Even without wanting and trying to improve. I love them a lot and I admire the patience they have with me (it’s not little).

Another thing that affects me is the feeling of emptiness that I feel all the time. Things that made me happy before or that I liked to do became just… common things. I don’t feel pleasure doing anything I liked. Playing videogames, playing instruments like before. And listening to some Linkin Park songs, I realize a bit of what I am talking about. In parts like: “In the end, it doesn’t even matter” from the song In the End. Or “who cares if one more light goes out, in the sky of a million stars”, from the song One More Light.

I feel that even living, being successful, working with something I like, getting married and being happy, even then I will not be complete. Because everything is very temporary. One day everything will end and… then? All of this was for nothing? I lived for nothing?

I simply lost the will to live. It doesn’t make me happy anymore to think about tomorrow. About what I will do.

I am kind of giving up. Because living until 70, or 80 with this disgust of myself. This daily self-deprecation that torments me. I can’t take supporting this alone anymore. And I don’t have anyone to talk to. I don’t want to be labeled as weak. Or things like that. I wanted someone that really understands me and doesn’t say: “ah but this is age. Soon it passes.”

My conclusion about life is this. Something that I don’t know why or for what it exists.

Sorry for possible bad orthography and for the text being kind of confusing and tiring. But I would appreciate anyone who could read this vent and try to give me advice.

Sorry too if I marked the wrong tag. I am new here in the community.

But anyway, thank you everyone.

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