Heartbreak and Self-Doubt: My First Confession Gone Wrong
The story
I'm 19(F) and I fucking hate myself lmao. I know I'm fat and ugly but I really thought that there would at least be one person that would like me despite that, but apparently not.
It's been about a year now since my childhood friend confessed to me. He said he liked me and shit, but he never did make the effort to meet me outside. We talked for a few months but I got busy with school (we had to make a research paper) and next thing I knew, he found himself a girlfriend. An online girlfriend. He confessed first yet he was also the first one to leave. Apparently said girl confessed to him on New year's eve last year and he didn't even bother telling me about her. He told her he liked me and stuff so he rejected her, but the moment I couldn't give him attention he up and left me for someone he hasn't even met irl. We grew up together since kindergarten; we've been classmates the entire time up until 11th grade. And he broke it all off so easily. He even added the girl to our private group chat with our friends which I MADE. I guess the short haired childhood friend really can't win, huh?
Well anyways, aside from that, I found out just a few days before he confessed to me, he was making moves on my other friend. Which is so fucking shitty of him?? I mean, he confessed to me right in front of her too so that was weird as fuck? I didn't know this at the time though, my friend was kind of confused too but she didn't bother telling me up until recently. So this basically just meant he chose who was easiest to get with between the both of us :/ I can't believe I was fooled, I thought that just because we grew up together, that he could do no wrong. He was always a kind person in my eyes. And he always acted kind towards me. Especially during the days leading up to his confession, but I guess it was all just love bombing.
This was my first time ever being confessed to irl. This was my first relationship. I thought I could trust him. I thought I knew him. I can't believe I'm still hung over his ass. My experience with him makes me feel so shitty, I feel so used. I feel like the only way someone would choose me would be for me to be the last option. I fucking hate that.
I want to be loved. I want to be lusted over. I want to get attention from others, be it from males, females, or gender queers. I wish someone would love me to the point of sexualizing me, or sexualize me to the point of loving me. I hate this so much. I don't know why I correlate sexual appeal and attractiveness to my own self worth. I tell other women not to let that weigh them down but here we are. I'm so sick of myself. Even when I try to lose weight it all just comes back.
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Points of view
it's really tough when things don't go the way we hope in relationships, but it feels like there's a lot of focus on needing someone else's approval to feel good about yourself... i remember going through a similar phase where i thought, "if only someone loved me, i'd be happy", but i learned that self-worth comes from within; maybe this situation is a chance for growth and self-discovery! sometimes people aren't who we think they are, and that's a reflection on them, not you... remember, "you are enough just as you are", and finding love starts with loving yourself first 💪❤️ it might help to focus on what makes you unique and amazing—those are the qualities that truly draw people into meaningful connections, not just superficial attractions!!! things will get better with time and self-care✨
it's clear that you're going through a tough emotional phase, but it seems like a significant portion of your self-worth is being tied to how others perceive you, especially in terms of physical appearance. rather than framing the situation as a reflection of your value, it might be beneficial to consider it through the lens of social dynamics and individual agency; people often make choices based on a range of factors, many of which are not directly linked to your intrinsic qualities. while your experience is undoubtedly painful, fostering a stronger self-concept that isn't contingent on external validation can be empowering. shifting the focus to personal growth and self-acceptance might provide a more stable foundation for future interactions and relationships. overall, investing in yourself could lead to more fulfilling and authentically reciprocal connections.