how do i stop loving someone?
The story
the sentence in my notes is always the same: how do i stop loving someone? then i delete it because the answer seems obvious, stop contact. my former partner is engaged now, which i found out from a picture their sister posted, not from them. the ring was visible beside a plate of fries, and my ex had that closed-mouth smile they use when they are trying not to look too pleased. late on a tuesday night, i put my phone face down like that changed the engagement picture. we broke up after six years, and i had been doing okay enough before seeing the ring. i could even pass the pet food aisle without checking my phone. now the sunday photos make me feel stupid and tired again. 😕
the part that keeps messing me up is our dog, pickle. we adopted her together when she was all ears and skinny legs, and after the breakup my ex kept her because their apartment had yard access and mine did not. every sunday, without fail, they send me a photo. sometimes pickle is asleep under the kitchen table. sometimes she has mud on her nose. last week she wore the red raincoat i bought, and the message said, "she still hates this thing lol." i did not answer for an hour, then wrote, "please tell her i said hi." that is the whole exchange about the dog. it looks harmless on my screen. it does not feel harmless in my chest.
every photo makes me zoom in on the room behind pickle. i notice a new lamp, a different pair of shoes near the door, and the corner of a white envelope that might be wedding stuff. zooming into my ex's rooms is embarrassing, and i am aware of how bad it looks. the sunday message gives me a tiny piece of my old home, then takes it back before i can settle. by monday morning i am checking whether my ex viewed my reply, even when my reply was only a heart. the rest of the week gets spent forcing their engagement out of my head, and then sunday comes again. the pickle grief resets. cool. 👍
i cannot bring myself to block them because blocking my ex also feels like blocking pickle. i know blocking a phone number does not block a dog. pickle cannot use a phone and has no idea whether i receive the pictures, but those photos are the only proof i get that she is healthy, warm, and still doing her weird sideways sit. my ex once promised, "i will always let you know how she is," and i accepted that like it was a permanent little contract. asking someone else for updates would be awkward because our mutual friends have mostly drifted away. asking my ex to stop would close the last window into pickle's life. so i leave the window open, and my ex's new life keeps showing through it too.
there is also an ugly part to my sunday waiting that i do not like admitting. i wait for the notification. i wonder if they choose the photo carefully, if they briefly miss me, or if sending it is just another sunday chore between laundry and dinner with their fiancé. i do not want to interfere with the engagement, and i have never sent anything flirty or rude. my replies stay polite and plain. still, seeing their name gives me hope before my brain catches up and says there is nothing being offered here except a dog picture. i could mute the chat, but i would still open it. i could ask for photos by email, but their name would still be there. i feel worn out by my own lack of discipline, and kind of mad that my love kept going after our relationship clearly stopped. what would you do, and how do i stop loving someone?
