I think I'm in love with my friends ex
The story
(Names are fake for privacy even though I don't think either one of them is on here) So for context I grew up with this friend named Blake and he got with his now ex named Miranda at the time about a year and a half after we became friends. They were young and had a kid young but it didn't last because of how both of them were with each other, typical story of him not doing enough for both the relationship and as a father (He is a great father now) and her treating him bad because of it to where she got fed up with him and tired of being that person with him and left him. They both moved on almost 15 years ago and can't stand each other but get along for their kid, We all grew up together as a result so I know Miranda pretty well.
It started as a crush after they broke up, I was having a hard time and she was there for me when I needed it but she didn't know I was struggling that badly because I didn't talk about it so it was just genuine concern and help for me and I don't have a lot of that in my life, so it moved me. I'm not the kind of guy who acts on his emotions or goes after friends girls so I avoided her because of it afterwards. She found a few people over the years and I found someone also. I was with my ex-wife for over 10 years and after we broke up I ran across Miranda on a dating website. We both matched with each other but I just assumed it was to be funny since friends do that on dating websites to mess with each other and give each other shit and I never seriously thought she was interested. After we matched though I noticed I got excited and didn't know what to expect which confused me because I didn't know why I was excited and why I would expect anything when we're supposed to be friends and it had been years since that crush had happened and nothing came from it anyway but I realized I still had a crush.
We talked and I didn't make a move or a pass and just warned her what to expect being on these sites from what I've read from other woman on there. Dick pics, asshole guys, matching but not talking etc. it was a casual conversation but I couldn't help but wonder if she felt similar and that's why she matched too but just chalked it up to my brain just wanting that to be true so it would validate my feelings and said nothing. She didn't stay on there much longer and told me later the next day on the app that she was going to get off of the app because it was lame and what I was saying was true.
I kept my feelings to myself but it seems like they keep growing, I keep thinking about her even when I try not too or keep busy to not think anything at all but nothing seems to work and she is on my mind even though we haven't talked for in a long time. Miranda is currently with someone right now and has been for awhile but from what I've heard she's been drinking and depressed and isn't happy with him. Idk if they will last much longer but I'm stuck because I can't really tell her how I feel even if they break up or not.
I don't really think she feels the same and might find it weird especially if she only sees me as a friend, it could ruin things with her and also she's Blake's ex and I have no idea how he would feel about it and don't want to ruin a friendship of almost 20 years over this. I know him and while he would probably be cool to me or cool to me to my face, I know he wouldn't consider me like a brother anymore or close friend anymore either. If for some reason or way I did tell her and the feeling is reciprocated and I do end up ruining a friendship, what if her and I don't end up lasting.?? Then I ruined my friendship for nothing and end up alone with almost no one in both ways.
So this is my blessing and my curse, Im blessed because I see who she is and she's amazing and I'm glad I got to experience it but my curse is I don't think I can ever actually speak on how I feel to her without potentially fucking everything up either with her or Blake or both. I haven't told anyone except 1 person awhile ago but we don't talk anymore, so almost no one knows my real feelings for her. Instead I sit in silence while she gets with yet another guy who treats her like shit that she swears she loves. If I tell her to leave him then I look like I have alternate motives considering my feelings, especially if I did tell her eventually and it's not my relationship to meddle with to begin with when they could end up working it all out.
It's been driving me nuts and I had to say something to someone and get it off my chest, so I figured a place like this would be the best place to at least say something finally, even if it's not who I want to tell.
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Points of view
this situation you are in seems like a real quagmire. i can see why you're hesitant; both your friendship and potential romantic feelings are entangled with layers of complexity. navigating emotions juxtaposed with historical relationships is undoubtedly tricky.
it appears that maintaining "amicable relationships" while harboring secret feelings is a precarious balance. in the end, you need to decide which path best aligns with your personal "emotional bandwidth" and priorities. to quote a well-known adage, "sometimes the risk is worth the reward," but in this circumstance, the rewards and risks are both significant.
your narrative indicates awareness of the "potential conflicts" that venturing further could create with blake; however, sometimes, one must question whether living with unexpressed emotions is more burdensome than risking change. i'm not saying to disrupt their life but maybe it's worth reevaluating the situation.
despite the challenges, clarity about your own intentions and motivations will guide your decisions effectively. while difficult, whatever you choose to do should ultimately reflect an understanding of the potential consequences as well as the benefits involved.
(good luck!)
I don't know what to do... thank you for the reply.!!
Hey, I get that you're really caught up in this situation, but honestly, it sounds like you're creating a lot of drama where there might not need to be any 🤔. Your feelings for Miranda seem kind of all over the place, and you're putting a lot of weight on a potential relationship that seems pretty shaky. I mean, she's with someone else right now, and you're worrying about stuff that hasn't even happened yet!!!
I can relate to having lingering feelings for someone, but expecting them to have waited or to feel the same after all this time? That's a bit unrealistic. Plus, you're friends with Blake, and that could get super messy. It's like you're almost hoping for things to go south with her current guy just so you have a shot; that's not really fair to anyone involved.
Maybe it's time to step back and focus on what you really want, rather than what could've been. If Miranda wanted something more, chances are you would've known by now. You're really risking a lot for something that's built on a "what if" scenario. Just seems like a lot of potential heartache for something that might not even work out in the end.
At the end of the day, it's your life, but think about whether it's worth all this stress and potential fallout. Sometimes, letting go can bring way more peace than hanging on to something uncertain?!!
I'm not creating any drama I literally haven't done anything. I'm not putting any weight on it, I don't expect anything from her. This is a secret I've held on to for apparently 10 years. It's more so I need to get it off of my chest, which is why I put it here. More than likely I'm probably never going to say anything and I only worry because I'm aware of what could happen not that I'm sitting here feeling guilty about things that haven't happened. I did step back I've had over a year to think about this. It's like you didn't even read what I put smh. This is her 4th relationship with another shitty guy who treats her the same. I don't hope for the relationship will end I'm logically thinking about what will happen and what I know will happen but I also put in there they could work things out shit happens. If I'm hesitant to say anything to her what makes you think she's not thinking the same thing.?? (If in this hypothetical situation she actually is interested) If that's the case she won't say anything either for the same reasons I never did. I'm not risking anything I haven't done anything and as I already said I most likely won't either. You're assuming a lot for someone who doesn't know what's going on.
classic, people draw their conclusions without having any information... 😥