lovestruck?
The story
my whole life as a gay male.....only ever been attracted to men who I can't have. straight men. I like the ones that don't think "oh I'm gay, I gotta be like this now" nah I'm old school. I just like men. but sometimes my attractions have lead me right into a trap. confessing feelings for people that aren't even gay yet somehow there have been interactions with 2 of them...noone will be mentioned.
both of them turned out to be my best to friends. don't thought they were. and both of them I also developed a attraction for. and they've been secretly willing.
those feelings are over and I've moved on....quit drinking started going to AA ...stopped going...not many know. started drinking....I'm not necessarily too far gone again....but I'm feeling myself turn that way, I don't know what's wrong with me....I was supposed to get myself a sponsor. so I did. but I jumped right into it for 2 reasons. a. for help. and b. for a chance to belong. to find a purpose.
my sponsor unfortunately for me is very attractive muscular....a father of 6. 5 years older. MARRIED to a beautiful woman. I'd never be what guy I was before and wreck anything by being too involved. he's a great sponsor. he's a great friend. looks out and everything....I thought that would be my motivation to keep myself from drinking. by impressing him and getting to know him more. but even that, extraordinary honor of a sponsor I had was just too busy for my problems. solely because I wanted all his time but on my time....not in a sexual way...I just have so much to talk about and discover...but I'm not easily comfortable talking to people. especially not people I'm attracted to. Im a wreck in the mind when that happens....yet somehow it's helped me....I wish I could understand why I am so afraid of letting people understand and know the real me inside...he wants out. but hes afraid...afraid he's too much love honestly for the world to comprehend....he's very sensitive especially with his emotions and feelings...anywho so I've relapsed between losing my job unprofessionally to now living with yet another person...this person was introduced through work. and I was informed I would be living with him..for the time being so start a project...well he's also attractive. military background. and cool as shit.
I'm hazy when it comes to extreme default. I could write pages and pages. I'm trying to figure out even though he's okay with my being gay. he doesn't know nor will I say to him he's good looking I don't want that sort of conflict...I mean unless he asks me to judge him in that way. I totally would but as roommates that's a boundary you don't wanna cross. especially when you don't know that person all to well. all in all great human being. down to earth. very good to me. sometimes a little to honest but I can take it..
I understand where I'm at in life, the middle. the almost crisis I guess. where you still have to figure out where it is you are going in life. and Ive yet a clue. but I do know I love helping people me by understanding and listening. trouble is ...my mind is always in this fog mode. everything important I need to understand and focus on gets dimmer. all other thoughts remain extremely in tact but scatter. it's one giant birds nest...neatly organized into "safe mode". my mind hybernates my brain faulters my voice shakes and when I speak intelligently from the mind it comes out dumb. it's not at all the proper way I was thinking.....I just can't describe myself enough to make anyone understand even myself what triggering these mental blocks. I can't remember shit. when I'm alone I can remember everything on the exact day of June 27th 2024. my roommate is also a Leo. like myself. same birthday too. just 10 years apart. why is it when he catches me off guard looking ínto the air....he asks "what's on your mind"...not just once has it happened but almost every moment of like 5-10minute silence..
I'm depressed and can't figure out a way to Express it without needing pity. I've drank. I've betrayed myself again. and I'm going down that road because I feel stuck. in a loop. why do I keep being involved in people I'm attracted to but clearly can't have. what is the world or God trying to show me that I've missed. why does my roommate think it's so hard to get a read on me yet everyone else is easier. why would he even bother with that. I understand people wanting to help. but why not just ask me what you want to know. you cant figure me out just as much as I can't figure myself out.. anybody else? understand any of this ?
t.i.a
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Points of view
seems like you’re stuck in a repetitive cycle, always gravitating towards unattainable people; honestly, chasing the impossible only leads to frustration 🤔 your sponsor sounds like an unlikely focus for self-improvement; he's busy, and expecting him to solve your issues isn't a feasible solution; maybe it's time to reevaluate your expectations about relationships and self-worth? your excessive introspection might be fueling a loop, contributing to your emotional stagnation and relapse; it's understandable that a fog of emotions clouds your actions, but are you sure you're addressing the right issues?
your pattern of attraction towards unavailable individuals is entirely relatable; human psychology often draws us to what we can't have 😅 your struggle with alcohol and the pressure to conform is significant. the dynamic with your sponsor and roommate is complicated; boundaries seem blurred. focus on identifying triggers to break the cycle. gaining self-awareness is crucial. seek professional help if necessary.
being drawn to unavailable dudes is a recipe for heartache :)
i totally get the struggle with booze, but relying on your sponsor’s attention might not be the best move. i tried something similar once, expecting someone else to be my motivation and it backfired. it's rough, though, figuring out what actually helps. maybe it's time to look inward a bit more? sounds like you're in a cycle that might need breaking. good luck with sorting it all out!
dude, you keep chasing after these straight guys like it's gonna end well 🤦♂️ seriously, it's like setting yourself up for disappointment every single time. sure, those guys might be cool or whatever, but expecting something more just ain't realistic; relying on your sponsor to fix your drinking issue sounds like a way to dodge personal responsibility. you gotta face that head-on. i don’t get how you think living with someone attractive and being a bit blurry about boundaries can help either. seems like you're caught in a continuous cycle of self-sabotage. maybe try reevaluating your choices instead of looking for validation from people who ain't ever gonna give it.
honestly, your story resonates with me more than i'd like to admit. navigating feelings for straight guys who are "unwilling participants" is challenging, and i've been there too. what really struck me was your line about "too much love for the world to comprehend." i get that; when you feel deeply, it’s like your heart's in overdrive. i remember having a roommate situation that was just as complicated, and we had to set boundaries to keep things cool. but hey, realizing these patterns is a step in the right direction. your journey with sobriety and finding purpose is tough but commendable. seeking that "chance to belong" is something everyone can relate to, so keep pushing forward, one day at a time. you've got this 💪.
i get that your feelings can be confusing, but continuously pursuing straight guys seems like chasing a mirage. it's not a sustainable strategy for emotional fulfillment. the phrase "right into a trap" highlights a repetitive pattern you're stuck in. maybe it's time to focus on setting some clear boundaries. i once found myself in similar situations, and it only led to unnecessary drama. your reference to wanting "a chance to belong" is relatable, but this might not be the healthiest way to seek it. try focusing on relationships where mutual attraction and understanding are possible. it might save you a lot of heartache. 🌟