First, a bit of backstory if it helps with understanding my current emotions and past decisions:

My family is very unstable and rather poor. Father was an alcohol addict who didn't want to get treatment, so my mother kicked him out when I was only 3-4 years old. She found someone new within a year or two who would then act as my new dad. He was a very stubborn but kind person. Although we lacked a real son-father connection he never really did any harm to us other than not giving back some money he lent from my mother. He never cared to teach me anything and fixed everything himself. Both my older siblings left early because they would rather be with my drunkard father than my stepdad. So I grew up as an only child without a father figure pretty much.

When I finished elementary school, my parents sent me to a highschool far away that only had male students. There were schools much closer to our home that didn't need me to commute by bus 3 hours every day. The reason they didn't want me in one of those closer schools is because it wasn't as prestigious. Considering everyone in my new school was so far away from where I lived I never really made friends. There's also the fact that my parents were from a different country and I didn't look similar to the other students, so that didn't really help either. I didn't really care about it until much later.

I didn't have any interest in girls considering I was only surrounded by boys and all we talked about is videogames and similar stuff (it's around the time I became a nerd who got interested in these kind of things.) Never was in any friend groups I just had 1 or 2 friends I would be around during breaks. The first interaction I had with girls my age was when we were about to graduate and our teachers hosted a prom. There was a similar school in the same city that was girls-only. So they invited them over for the prom. When our schools met for the first time I started to realize that girls weren't interested in me due to my height and looks. I looked different and it made me feel inferior to my peers.

Basically nothing went well and after graduating I got into college but I felt overwhelmed and too much pressure so I didn't last long. Everyone around me started dating, getting their drivers licenses and good cars. Meanwhile I was there, a head shorter than most guys, hell even some girls were taller than me. Not a single time in my life has anyone ever complimented me so you can imagine how low my self worth was. It didn't matter that I worked out, took care of myself and acted nice towards everyone when guys who didn't put in any effort were much more attractive than me. At that point I just couldn't do it anymore, I dropped out not only because of my inferiority complex but also due to not having any real goals or future dreams I want to achieve. Up until now I just wanted to fit in and never really worried about what I want to achieve in life.

After going through a ton of job applications, internships and even attempting to go to a different kind of school, all that it made me realize is that the world doesn't want me and everyone would be better off without me. It was in my early 20s that I already gave up with life after trying so many things and everything was just a failure. My siblings only gossiped about me, my stepdad was stuck in his own bubble as usual and the only person that was still on my side was my mother. Up to this day she's really the only person that gives me energy to continue. I was kinda hoping, as cruel as it sounds, that she would die early so I could end it aswell. I had no directions, no motivation, no goals.

So after thinking about how to go on in my life, I decided to start living a simple minimalist life and only focus on myself. Considering my cv was such a mess, most jobs I applied to rejected me (even when it wasn't a mess right after my graduation, every workplace rejected me). I worked in a few jobs that were so miserable and not worth the money that it didn't take long for them to either kick me out due to my inefficiency or too many absences due to my depression. I don't know if it's a blessing or a curse but I was born with a visual impairment so I was able to apply for disability benefits which were enough to let me move to my own place and start being more independent. Of course I still have to apply for jobs but considering my messy cv, my looks and my disability no one ever wanted me again.

Fast forward a few years later, now I'm a friendless, disabled loser in his mid 20s. No real work experience, no skills, never talked a girl irl. Just living from day to day and indulging in mostly instant gratification activities like videogames, doomscrolling and whatever else you can think of. I still workout and take care of myself not that it would make a difference but atleast in the end I am able to say "Atleast I tried". Whenever I think of any goals for the future, I just see a blank screen with no text on it. I've gotten used to living in the present so much and enjoying the moment that I let go of any hope of becoming a more successful person in the future. I learned to be grateful for what I have and appreciate the little things in life.

I've gotten so used to this way of living that I started actually enjoying it. I smiled more often, looked forward to doing certain things and socializing with people again (atleast online). That's where I met a girl. At the start I didn't think much of it, believing that all I'm doing is learning how to talk to a girl without being anxious to gain some experience for future encounters. But everything was just right. We got along really well, we had the same hobbies, if you even wanna call them that. We had the same thoughts / beliefs about alot of things and for the the first time in my life I felt like I had a good connection to someone apart from my mother. She didn't mind that I didn't want to do a face reveal (even though we shared some other things to each other). It was just a casual fun thing to me that would pass after a few days/weeks.

But as time moved on, we started getting closer, we voicechatted regurarly, texted for hours every single day and spent alot of time together. That's when things got more serious. Over the past 5+ years I've closed myself in this bubble to forget about my past and problems in life and she came up with questions that tackled these exact topics. I really care about her alot and could even say that I love her considering we've known each other for 6+ months now and we never really argued. But I know that I'm not good enough for her. My life is already over, my mentality is messed up, I have no goals in life. And she's out here expecting me to move to her country and introduce me to her family. There's alot of things she doesn't know about me and yet she's trusting me so much. Why? I consider myself as a subhuman who doesn't have control of his life so how do you expect me to take care of a woman? it's just too much I don't know what to do anymore.

As I started opening up more to her, she accepted me for the way I am. As of now, she still doesn't know about some things but she still treats me the same as the time when we first met. I'm so emotionally tired, I've cried so much these past few days because I can't handle this much affection from someone. I really don't deserve her but I can't accept the fact that I might lose her, she's the only thing that gives me motivation to even just get out of bed in the morning. Everything feels like a mess and I don't know what to do anymore.

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