Opposite of pride
The story
I been trying to figure out how to even say this without sounding like I’m tripping over my own feet, which honestly is kinda how I write anyway, so maybe that fits. I’m 27, a guy, and for two years I been with this wonderfull dude who is so completely, wholeheartedly, intensly aligned with everything "pride." Like he waves the flag, he quotes activists like “Love is not a crime,” he goes to events, he paints tiny rainbows on plant pots for fun, and he does all that stuff with this sweet energy that should make me feel lifted but instead sometimes it just makes me shrink. Not because I don’t love him, God, I do, but because I don’t assume my gayness. I feel like I’m the opposite of pride, like a walking “don’t look at me” sign, and I wonder if anyone else ever sits in a room full of cheering people and thinks: “Is it okay that I’m scared?” He’ll smile at me in that soft way, and I keep thinking, I wish I could smile back bigger; The thing is, I wasn’t raised to be open about anything. My family doesn’t hate gay people or whatever, but it was this strange “we don’t talk about emotions” house, and I guess I inhaled all that silence like dust. So when my boyfriend says stuff like, “We should go to Pride this summer,” I can’t help panicing a little. But I wanna be polite, I wanna be a good partner, so I try to say yes even if my voice cracks. One time we were holding hands at a bus stop and this kid smiled at us, and he said it was beautifull, but I thought my heart was gonna jump out my mouth like some cartoon. Still, I’m trying, and maybe that’s something. I keep telling myself hope is a slow-growing thing, like those stubbron plants that only bloom once a year. Do you think it’s possible to love someone with your whole chest but still fear the space your love takes up in the world? Because that’s exactly where I’m standing, like on the edge of something I wanna want more confidentley. My boyfriend says I’ll get there "when I’m ready," and maybe he’s right. I’m not proud, but I’m not hopeless eitherr 🙂
Anyway, the second thing I wanted to talk about, and please don’t judge how messy this is because I warned you I’m a terrible writter, is how sometimes the simplest moments make me feel like maybe I’m changing without noticing. Like we were in the kitchen last week, burning pancackes because neither of us knows how to multitask, and he said, “Hey, you know I don’t love you because you’re proud. I love you because you’re you.” And I swear something in me cracked open but in a good way. It reminded me of that line in a book I read once, “Courage is just fear that has said its prayers,” which felt weirdly fitting even though I’m not religous. I told him about how I still feel like hiding sometimes, and he said he does too, which surprised the hell outta me because he always looks so steddy. I’m trying to hold on to that thought: even the proud ones get scared. Maybe being the opposite of pride doesn’t mean being broken, maybe it just means being in proggress. I try to take small steps: letting him kiss me in public when no one’s around, talking about my feelings even if the sentences come out crookedd, trying to breathe through the panic instead of shoving it down. And I wanna be polite to myself too, which I’m learning is harder than being polite to other people. So here I am, asking you, any of you reading, do you think someone like me can someday stand next to someone like him without feeling like I’m a shadow next to a fire? I’m hopeful. I really am. Even if my hope still feels like a begginer...
Stories in the same category
Points of view
dude, honestly, you’re not alone in feeling like that. i think it's totally normal to have your own pace when it comes to expressing yourself. not everyone has the same starting point, and it sounds like you're doing what works for you! like taking small steps and finding comfort in the progress you've made... have you ever considered sharing your feelings about pride events with your boyfriend more openly? maybe he could help make them less overwhelming for you while still being supportive of his enthusiasm 😊
dude, you're doing your best and that’s what matters!! 🙌 not everyone is all in with pride events or being super outspoken from the jump. maybe you’re right about hope being slow! like you gotta let it breathe a bit? do you ever feel like there's stuff from your past making this harder?? sounds like you're being more open little by little which is badass in its own way!
hey, first off, i just wanna say that you're really brave for sharing all of this!! 😃 not everyone can be open about their struggles and it sounds like you're making a lot of progress even if it doesn't always feel that way. your story kinda reminds me of how some performers get stage fright but still find a way to share their talent; maybe it's like you have your own kind of "relationship stage fright"? have you ever thought about what specific situations make you feel more anxious and why? it might help to pinpoint those triggers so you can gradually desensitize yourself to them. also, your relationship seems really supportive, which is great! accommodation (like finding middle ground) is key in relationships and it looks like both you and your boyfriend are trying hard to accommodate each other; keep on keeping on because you're definitely on the right track!
yo, i totally get what you're saying. growing up in a place where emotions weren't really talked about can definitely shape how you handle things now, especially when it comes to being open and proud about your identity. i've been there too: feeling like you're standing on the sidelines while everyone else is in the spotlight can be intimidating as hell. but it sounds like your boyfriend's got a beautiful perspective, and that's huge! 💪 remember that progress isn't always flashy; sometimes it's those little steps that show you're moving forward. there's no rush to get somewhere you don't feel ready for yet, so just keep doing you at your own pace. you'll find your way to where you wanna be eventually, i'm sure of it!
i can sympathize with your situation; it's impressive how you navigate these emotions while striving to embrace them.
You wouldn't believe how similar I feel sometimes; it's like you're writing out of my own thoughts!
it’s intriguing how you portray the juxtaposition between your boyfriend's vibrant embracement of pride and your inclination towards discretion. 🤔 could it be possible that this contrast offers you an opportunity to redefine what pride means on a personal level? rather than focusing on matching his energy, perhaps consider what manifestations of pride resonate more authentically with who you are. those moments in the kitchen show you're evolving even through seemingly mundane experiences, like a quiet revolution within yourself. has reflecting on these small shifts added new dynamics to your understanding of self-acceptance? 😊
dude, you’re not tripping over your own feet at all; you're just finding your rhythm. i get that sense of being overshadowed by someone else's confidence: it can feel overwhelming sometimes. but man, progress is as much about self-discovery as it is about stepping out of your comfort zone. reminds me of when i first started going to the gym, felt like everyone was miles ahead; eventually, with each visit, I found my groove and now it's second nature. maybe start small with pride stuff, like casually observing events first without diving in headfirst. you’ll find your own way to shine alongside him without feeling like you’re stuck in his shadow! remember that courage and fear are often two sides of the same coin, bro✌️
It's completely understandable to feel like you're in transition, trying to balance your personal comfort with the expectations that come with being part of a community'; sometimes we internalize this idea that being proud means being loud, but truly, embracing your identity can look different for everyone.
Your journey seems to pivot on the dichotomy between societal expectations and personal authenticity, a common paradox in identity formation; embracing vulnerability by acknowledging your discomfort might actually fortify your relationship with both yourself and your partner, fostering deeper introspection and connectivity.
wow, reading your story really hit home because it sounds like you're constantly wrestling with the idea of pride not just being outward but something that resonates within too; it's kinda like in "The Alchemist" where the protagonist realizes that true treasure is internal growth rather than external accolades; maybe you don't have to mirror your boyfriend's vibrant expression of pride to honor yours, perhaps it's about finding comfort in quieter gestures..
hey man, i totally get where you're coming from. it's tough when you're not used to showing emotions openly. i remember being in a similar spot where vulnerability felt like a foreign language. honestly, the fact you’re trying is already such a big step! maybe focus on those small moments that feel right to you instead of pushing all at once. everyone has their own pace and your journey sounds like it’s growing naturally. 🌱 just keep doing you and let things unfold as they will!
good luck dude... x)
Man, I totally feel you on this one! It's like you're standing at a crossroads, trying to figure out where you fit without losing yourself. Ever thought about what baby steps might work for easing into the pride thing??? We all have our own timelines, and it’s okay if yours looks different from your boyfriend's. When you talk about moments like burning pancakes in the kitchen, there’s something real special in those tiny bits of life that make you realize you're growing, even if it feels slow. Do you think just being with him while he engages in pride events could help bridge that gap? Like maybe just seeing it all firsthand at your own pace might ease some fear??? You're doing great by just allowing yourself to be open...more power to ya!! 💪
Man, I totally get where you're coming from 🤯. It's like trying to dance to a song you don't know the steps for yet, right?
man, i totally get where you're coming from...