should i stay in my relationship?
The story
I’ve been thinking about this a lot lately, more than I probably should. I’m 20 years old, been in a relationship for a few months now, and on the surface, things are fine. She’s nice, funny, thoughtful, always checking in on me. We get along well, don’t fight, and everything seems… okay. But that’s kind of the problem—it’s just okay. I keep waiting for that spark, that big overwhelming feeling everyone talks about, the one where you just know you’re in love. But it hasn’t come. Not even close. And I’m starting to wonder if it ever will. I don’t dislike her. I enjoy spending time with her. But when I think about the future, or even just picture us next year, it’s like looking at something blurry. No clear image comes to mind. And it’s making me feel guilty, like I’m lying by staying in this relationship when my heart might not really be in it.
I’ve talked to a few friends about it, and I get mixed advice. Some say love takes time, that I shouldn’t expect fireworks this early, especially since we’re both still young. Others tell me if I’m already questioning things, that’s my answer right there. But it’s not that simple. I don’t want to hurt her. She’s done nothing wrong. She cares about me, probably more than I deserve, and the thought of breaking her heart makes me sick. But at the same time, I keep asking myself—is it fair to stay just because I don’t want to be the bad guy? Isn’t that worse in the long run? I don’t want to settle into a relationship just because it’s comfortable or because I’m afraid of being alone. But the fear of regret is real too. What if I leave and realize I made a mistake? What if I’m just not in the right mindset and this is all in my head?
We’ve had good moments, don’t get me wrong. Little laughs, shared jokes, quiet nights watching dumb movies. But there’s something missing. It’s like there’s a wall I can’t get past, a layer of emotion that never really shows up. I keep comparing what I feel now to how I’ve felt in past crushes, where I couldn’t stop thinking about someone, where I felt that ache when we were apart. With her, it’s different. I don’t count down the hours until I see her. Sometimes, I even feel relieved when plans get canceled. And then I feel awful for feeling that way. I keep telling myself maybe it’ll change, maybe I just need more time. But how much time is enough before you admit something isn’t clicking? I see couples who look crazy about each other, and I wonder what that feels like. I’ve never had that, and I’m scared maybe I’m just not capable of that kind of love—or worse, maybe I just haven’t found the right person yet, and I’m wasting both of our time pretending I have.
So yeah, I don’t know if I should stay in my relationship. I’m trying to be honest with myself, but the guilt is eating at me. I don’t want to be cruel, but I also don’t want to lie by staying when I’m not really all in. I wish someone could just tell me what the right answer is. I wish I could look at her and feel that certainty people talk about. But I don’t. Not yet. Maybe not ever. And until I figure it out, I’m stuck in this weird place between not wanting to hurt her and not wanting to hurt myself by staying in something that doesn’t feel right.
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Points of view
Hey, I see where you're coming from, but I gotta say, sometimes expecting that big "spark" can lead us astray. Relationships are not always that explosive firework display; they can be more of a slow burn, like a steady investment that grows over time. When you mention that things are "just okay," it makes me think about the concept of hedonic adaptation—how we get used to what's around us and start seeking more excitement or intensity instead of appreciating stability.
Sure, the absence of intense emotions can be unsettling, but as someone once said, "Rome wasn't built in a day." Expecting instant returns in the emotional landscape might not be realistic. Plus, feelings can evolve, and what seems blurry now might gain clarity as you both grow together. So, while it's crucial to evaluate if this relationship aligns with your long-term goals, it might also be worth considering that perhaps love doesn't always conform to a predefined image.
Maybe just try giving it time and see if it develops into something more substantial...??
thanks for your comment!
i feel you on this one you're caught in a rough spot. relationships ain't always sunshine and rainbows; sometimes they just fizzle out. i remember a time when i stuck with someone just ’cause I didn't wanna be the "bad guy." big mistake. ended up wasting both our times. "If it looks like a duck, swims like a duck, and quacks like a duck, then it probably is a duck." this situation screams doubt and hesitation. life's too short to settle for something that's just meh. better to face the music now than regret later. listen to your gut, dude; it usually knows what's up. 🤷♂️
Hey there! I feel your pain. Here's my advice: If you're not feeling that big spark of love, that's okay! Go with your gut. And if you sit down with her and talk about it, then she'll understand. Just tell her that you feel like you and her would be best as friends, if that's how you feel lol. Just be honest!
Thank you! yep, I definitively need to have a discussion with her, it's time...
Man, I totally get what you're going through!!! Been there myself, and it's a real brain twister. You're over here thinking, "Is this all there is???" and it's seriously frustrating. It's not wrong to want that spark or mind-blowing connection. You deserve to feel that! I was in a relationship once where I felt the same way; it was just okay, and it ate away at me.
Trying to force something that ain't there is like trying to fit a square peg in a round hole; it's just not gonna work!!! "Better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all." You're right to trust your instincts and chase after the real deal. Hang in there; good things are coming your way!!!