I keep asking myself the same dumb question while making coffee in a kitchen that suddenly feels too big. Why do I miss someone who hurt me??? My wife cheated on me, then left like the whole marriage was a failed project she wanted to close out before quarter end. She packed her stuff in these neat little boxes, labeled everything, and somehow that made it worse. It felt like she had a clean exit strategy while I was still stuck in incident response mode, trying to figure out where the breach happened. I know what she did was wrong. I know trust is not a feature you can just patch overnight. But I still miss her laugh, her terrible singing, the way she used to steal my hoodie and act like it was hers forever. That is the messed up part, right??? The damage and the good memories live in the same folder, and I do not know how to seperate them.

Some days I am angry, and honestly, I think I deserve to be. Other days I catch myself wondering if she ate lunch, if she is sleeping okay, if she misses the dog, if she ever thinks about me when the house gets quiet. Then I feel stupid becuase why am I worrying about someone who made me feel disposable??? She said she was unhappy, and I can accept that maybe our relationship had problems. I was not perfect. I worked too much, shut down during hard talks, and treated “we’ll deal with it later” like some kind of maintenance plan. But cheating was her choice. Leaving was her choice. Still, my brain keeps running the old routine like nothing changed. I wake up and almost text her. I see her mug and feel my chest drop. I hear a car outside and think maybe it is her, even though I know it wasnt. Grief is weird like that!!!

I guess I miss the version of her I thought I had, not the version who walked out after breaking everything. Or maybe I miss being married. Maybe I miss having a person who knew my grocery order, my weird moods, my stupid jokes, and the exact tone of voice that meant I was trying not to cry. Is that love, or habit, or just my nervous system looking for the old baseline??? I do not know. I am definately not trying to make her the villain in every sentence, but I am also not going to pretend I am fine. I still love parts of her. I still hate what she did. Both can be true, I think. If you have ever missed someone who hurt you, did it make you feel broken too??? I keep hoping one day I can recieve a memory of her without feeling like I got punched in the ribs. Not today, but maybe someday!!!

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