EMOTIONALLY DISTANT DADS SUCK
The story
My dad was always there for me except in the ways that i wanted him to be.
My school was paid for, there was food on the table, clothes on my back, and everything I needed growing up. In some ways he did his job as a father but when it came to me emotionally the parts of me that needed softness growing up till today he was never there. I can't remember him ever telling me he loved me. Even now it feels strange to say out loud.
As a little girl I used to wonder what it would feel like to have a dad who asked me how my day was, who hugged me for no reason, who made me feel safe enough to talk about anything with him.
Most of our conversations have always been about school and my grades. Whether I'm focused. Growing up that's what mattered to him. That and religion. If you stayed on track, if you prayed, if you got good grades, there was peace in the house.
We live in the same house and yet i feel like he's a stranger sometimes. How can two people share the same space for years and still know so little about each other? He barely knows me even though he thinks he does, you cant know someone you never speak to. I wish we could talk like a normal father and daughter. About simple things. About life. About how we're doing. Without it feeling forced or awkward or like we're both waiting for it to end.
Sometimes I wonder if it's my fault for not trying harder.
But then i think isn't he the parent? Isn't he the father? Shouldn't he be the one to take the lead, to reach out, to make it easier for me to come to him?
Instead there's always been this distance between us. Now when he travels sometimes I think about calling him. Just to ask how he is but I never do. It feels unnatural like trying to build something from nothing. I wouldn't even know what to say so instead I hear about him through my mum.
And sometimes I feel guilty for how distant | am because I know he's not cruel. His parents raised him with toughness and he became a father through that same language. Providing and protecting
It would've been nice to hear it once in a while. To hear him say "I love you" To feel known and understood by him.
How do you build a relationship with a parent when there's always been distance?
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Points of view
isn't it a bit of an overstatement to blame him entirely for the emotional distance when you yourself admit you haven't tried either?
Yes but i dont blame myself because hes the father, you should be there for your kids not the other way around
i feel you. sounds like he thinks providing financially equals good parenting, which is kinda missing the point, right? 🙄 people seem to forget kids need emotional support too, not just a roof and food. guess it shows how big an impact his upbringing had on him. tbh, trying to connect feels awkward when there's no foundation at all. but sometimes you've got to dive in and talk straight up even if it feels weird as hell. my dad was kinda similar so i get the struggle... without those "i love you"s or hugs as a kid, it's hard now.
i get what you're saying, but honestly i've got a slightly different take. yeah, it sounds like your dad might not've been super touchy-feely or chatty, but sometimes parents show love in ways that aren't all warm and fuzzy, you know? my dad was kinda similar; he provided everything but wasn't really around emotionally. as i got older, i realized that's just how he knew to express care – through actions rather than words.
it seems like you're already aware of where he's coming from with your grandparents and all. wouldn't hurt to maybe extend an olive branch yourself once in a while instead of waiting for him – can be worth giving it a shot; if you don't push too hard and keep things light-hearted at first, you might see some change over time. we can't really rewrite the past or their way of parenting, but small steps forward could make things less awkward eventually 😊
man, it's tough when parents just follow the script of what they think is right. reminds me a bit of my neighbor growing up; he's was kind and always provided for his kids materially, but when it came to emotions he was like a closed book. sometimes i'd hear him trying awkwardly to connect with them during soccer games. maybe your dad's not great at expressing those feelings openly. it's possible he's carrying on how he was raised, just like my old neighbor, and that could be why that distance lingers...
Kinda sounds like you’re living with an invisible wall between you both. It's like he built that wall thinking it was enough just to make sure there’s food on your plate, ya know? 🤔 Weird when someone can be physically present but emotionally absent. Maybe cracking jokes or bringing up light topics could help chip away at that distance little by little, even if it's awkward at first. My uncle was kinda distant too, and I found that sometimes the smallest steps lead to unexpected connections... just gotta figure out what feels right for you!
oh man, this hits close to home. my folks weren't big on expressing emotions either; growing up i felt like we were more roommates than a family sometimes. guess it's one of those generational things where they show love through actions instead of words. when i hit college, i randomly decided to call my dad and just talk... it was kinda awkward at first but over time we started finding small common grounds here and there, little interests or hobbies; doing that helped us somewhat bridge the gap. maybe start small? throw in a question about something you know he's into and see where it goes from there!
Whoa, it's wild how different parents can be! Not gonna lie, it definitely sucks to not have that emotional closeness. But seriously?? He's not a mind reader either, we all get mixed signals sometimes. Ever tried like dropping hints with small talk or asking about his hobbies? Dunno if that'll work, but maybe it'll open some doors and who knows where that could lead; at least you got backup from mom to know he's doing okay!
Do you think there's a way to bridge that gap by finding some common ground, like maybe shared interests or activities?
it's definitely tough when there's that lack of emotional connection, especially with someone as important in your life as a parent. but maybe it's worth considering that it might not be entirely about who should take the lead. sometimes, people don't know how to express emotions because they've never been taught to or seen it modeled for them. my mom was kind of similar and what helped me was trying small things first. little gestures like asking how their day went or sharing something you found interesting can sometimes open up dialogue that's less intimidating than diving straight into deep stuff. who knows? maybe it'll prompt him to engage more too. 🤔
man, i totally get where you're coming from. you ever just feel like you're both speaking different languages or something? it can be hella frustrating when emotions aren't on the same page. maybe there's a middle ground somewhere? i've got a friend who was in a similar spot with her mom; she started small, talking about safe subjects like movies or music and then slowly moved to deeper stuff. it's not magic but sometimes these little things help break down the awkwardness.
also, it could be worth considering that he's got his own set of fears and walls built up too. parents are people at the end of the day with their quirks and qualms. yeah, they should lead but maybe he never learned how (sounds like his upbringing might've been more rigid). don't feel guilty about wanting more connection though, that's super normal! try taking those tiny steps without putting all the pressure on yourself—and see where it goes 🙂