My dad was always there for me except in the ways that i wanted him to be.

My school was paid for, there was food on the table, clothes on my back, and everything I needed growing up. In some ways he did his job as a father but when it came to me emotionally the parts of me that needed softness growing up till today he was never there. I can't remember him ever telling me he loved me. Even now it feels strange to say out loud.

As a little girl I used to wonder what it would feel like to have a dad who asked me how my day was, who hugged me for no reason, who made me feel safe enough to talk about anything with him.

Most of our conversations have always been about school and my grades. Whether I'm focused. Growing up that's what mattered to him. That and religion. If you stayed on track, if you prayed, if you got good grades, there was peace in the house.

We live in the same house and yet i feel like he's a stranger sometimes. How can two people share the same space for years and still know so little about each other? He barely knows me even though he thinks he does, you cant know someone you never speak to. I wish we could talk like a normal father and daughter. About simple things. About life. About how we're doing. Without it feeling forced or awkward or like we're both waiting for it to end.

Sometimes I wonder if it's my fault for not trying harder.

But then i think isn't he the parent? Isn't he the father? Shouldn't he be the one to take the lead, to reach out, to make it easier for me to come to him?

Instead there's always been this distance between us. Now when he travels sometimes I think about calling him. Just to ask how he is but I never do. It feels unnatural like trying to build something from nothing. I wouldn't even know what to say so instead I hear about him through my mum.

And sometimes I feel guilty for how distant | am because I know he's not cruel. His parents raised him with toughness and he became a father through that same language. Providing and protecting

It would've been nice to hear it once in a while. To hear him say "I love you" To feel known and understood by him.

How do you build a relationship with a parent when there's always been distance?

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