no one to ask for guidance.

Just a heads-up if the timeline or anything doesn’t really make sense, I am sorry but my memory of all the events isn´t all that accurate since the memories are from young age and filled with trauma.

I come from a broken and toxic family. Abusive father that left us when I was about 10 years old who kept manipulating and mentally destroying me for another year or so with sentences like "do you even like me and see me as your daddy" (which he told to me when he was leaving us and I was about 10 years old). Leaving me with mental struggles from a young age. From the memories I have of him when he was still with us, he didn´t participate in parenting in any other way than „I hear something is not right so I´ll go there and beat them “. Let´s say I was lucky because he wasn´t beating me since I was too young (about 5 or 6 at that time). Not the same fate had my mother and brother which is older by 4 years. Before he left us, he basically made my mother to quit her job to „stay with the kids “since he was earning enough and was paying for the mortgage of our house and after he left, he stopped paying for it fully. Which left my mother with 2 children, without a job and a house to pay for which she couldn´t afford. She ended up selling the house under-priced so we could move into an apartment but before that happened, we were staying at different family members for day or weeks depending on their willingness (this was going on for about half a year). After this was settled, she started looking for a new father for us and after some failed attempts she found an unintelligent loser who comes from a rich family and his dad is paying for everything and even employing him. This guy has no education or anything, but in the span of few years he started drinking and smoking heavily which was funded by my mother since he was getting paid a minimum wage and couldn´t afford his addictions on his own. After a about 2/3 years, he wanted a baby with my mother with the promise of cutting of his addictions which he ended up not doing and I have a younger brother now. I didn´t get along with this guy which is only like 10-12 years older than me at all and had multiple conflicts with him, one of them ended up with me calling police on him after he attacked me but was stopped by my mother. Luckily for him the people from police officers I called was his friends from the inn so he got out of it with just a warning and from that point our relationship was going downhill. My mother stayed with this guy for about 10 years in total before ending things with him for like the 5th time and hopefully this one will be the final one. My older brother got some serious trauma from our biological father and became really isolated and lonely which led to me being his pretty much only friend and I basically overtook the role of an „older sibling “and tried to be the one he can lean on to. My mother which is very aware of her constant failures as a parent to provide a „normal family “and all the stuff around became a real mess mentally which excludes both of my older family members from my ability to lean on or vent out to or ask for guidance. I struggled with depression, suicidal thoughts and attempts, self-hatred and loneliness. for a long time but I´d say I´m clean of most of it for like 4 years now. But my educational life wasn´t easy, I had no idea what I wanted to do in my life since I was really ambitious and constantly was trying out a lot of new things but almost always failing due to something and I never got any support or guidance from my mother so I felt hopeless.

After primary school I went to a secondary school where I was for 2 years before I started to fail it due to lack of interest and mental issues of that time, so I failed a year and changed a school. Pretty much the same happened but I was there for only one year and now I´m at my 3rd secondary school which I´m supposed to study for 3 years there. I´m basically halfway through but there are again some issues. I downgraded in the schools and currently the one I am at doesn’t have the best reputation since it has a lot of having unintelligent students and/or drug addicts. I was always a misfit but I didn´t mind, I enjoy being alone but on this school its different. I´m not alone, I am alone and being harassed/bullied without a way of fighting back Since I can´t defend myself physically because one of my classmates did and got kicked out of the school because „violence doesn’t have a place in school “and my headteacher and the school headmasters are powerless until they attack me physically which they are just not dumb enough to do. The end result of this is everyone I turned to for help in the school told me „I can´t help you, just man up and get through it “. I thought I had a solution for some time, since it is a school where they teach us manual work, we get the opportunity to go into a work while studying and getting separated from your class. I took the chance and was working for about half a year. Since it´s a seasonal job (we can´t really work in the winter) some time before Christmas I was told to go back to the school for the winter and a few days ago I was supposed to go there again for the first time after winter. The day I went there my supervisor told me I am fired. I was confused, but after some digging and deeper thoughts I realised that the son of the owner I didn´t really got along well with and he had a lot of friends and power over his daddy so that is my theory to why I got fired. Now to the current issues. I had a plan of skipping school during the winter so I don’t have to meet with my classmates. This plan was heavily supported by my mental state of getting physically sick, vomiting, having cold, and agonizing headache most of the time the day before or the morning of the day I was supposed to go to school. Which led to me having almost 80% of absence which is way too much and now that I am fired, I have to go back there basically without missing a day of school or I am out. The situation at home doesn’t help at all either. My brother dropped out of college but he got well paid job so now I am being looked down at by all of my family for being “unable to graduate even from secondary school even though I am smart” and getting fired. Few days ago, was my 20th birthday and at the day of a family celebration my close family circle gathered not to wish me or support me. They all came and basically started saying stuff like “its in the family that one child is a failure” or “you know, someone has to get paid a minimum wage”. But not a single one came and supported me, all of them just went to my 20th birthday and started mocking me and making fun of me. I feel absolutely lost and without a purpose with no one to turn to. So I ended up here on the internet asking help from strangers.

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