I'm fed up
The story
[Translated from Spanish. Reminder: IIWIARS is English only]
I've reached this point of truly feeling the need to feel a knife pass through my arms or what a chokehold might feel like. I think a lot about what would happen? Would they notice or not? That I really needed a little more of my family, my friends, their support, a visit from my dad, and support from my brothers if I were sick and alone with two children. Would the boy I love and who's driving me crazy feel a little more guilt for not listening to me a little more?
I feel like I'm teaching everyone a life lesson.
There are days that go by and by, and I don't receive a single message from anyone asking how I am? How are my daughters?
I am a very determined woman. With a lot of balls, I support everything alone, I raise my daughters, and that's admirable to the outside world because they keep telling me that. But I feel like a failure. I'm not happy. I feel bad about myself because I feel like I could give twice as much and I'd be better, but I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE! And you know what's worse, I'm a street vendor and I'm always smiling, I make jokes all the time, sometimes there are days when a lot of people tell me, "I love your good vibes," and I feel good, but when it's time to get home, tired, from cleaning, from cooking, from hearing my daughters screaming, crying, everything dirty, clothes everywhere, animal poop...
That's when I do. I want to die, and it's that feeling of running away and disappearing forever.
I know everyone will think and say, "Think of your daughters!" And if that's why I haven't made the decision yet, but it's something I think about a lot.
I don't need help because I have my psychologist, but I can't bring myself to tell her all this because I'm a woman who's recovered from drugs, and it's embarrassing to tell her that I'm feeling more and more depressed because she saved me from the cesspool I couldn't get out of, and I feel like I'm failing the only person who listens to me.
Well, it's just something I think about every day, but I've never been able to tell anyone about it because I think people who have that thought just do it! And then everyone wonders why?
Stories in the same category
Points of view
reading your story, one can't help but feel the immense weight you're carrying; it's like you're navigating a life filled with overburdened responsibilities, and it's no wonder you're feeling overwhelmed. the societal expectation to handle everything while maintaining a facade of happiness seems gruelling, and it's understandable to feel exhausted by it all. your reluctance to share everything with your psychologist is puzzling, as this professional setting is precisely where vulnerability should be safe. it's noteworthy how you mention waiting for someone, anyone, to ask how you and your daughters are doing; does this reflect a more profound issue with the people around you not fulfilling their roles effectively? your perseverance is commendable, yet one wonders how sustainable this is without a solid support network.
Me siento muy Sola y a la deriva con muchas deudas y miles de cosas que tengo que solucionar yo Sola.
No quiero estar más sola necesito un apoyo alguien que me ayude a solucionar los problemas.
Gentle reminder (second one :-)): use only English here please!
Wow, your story hits hard. 😮 I get the whole "teaching everyone a life lesson" vibe, but seriously, what about yourself? You talk about needing support, but you seem to be carrying the world on your shoulders while everyone's just oblivious. It’s like being the unsung hero in a world that doesn’t even realize it needs saving. You mention the chokehold thing—what's really choking you, though? Is it the expectations or the never-ending cycle of crap you have to deal with? It’s brave you’re seeing a psychologist, but even braver to really, totally open up to them. Maybe the shame you feel isn’t yours to carry? Curious, though—what's keeping you from having that convo with your psychologist? Wouldn't unloading all this there be a good start?
Y Yo Estoy agotada, amo Todo lo que pude lograr porque verdaderamente llevo un mundo a mis Hombros, Me asxifia Todo ya y Siento la Necesidad de que sentirá Morir, No estar, Descansar de verdad.
Lo pensé varía veces pero miro a mis Hijas Y no puedo, Me da vergüenza contarle todo lo que siento porque siento miedo a contar lo mas profundo de mi.
Gentle reminder (second one :-)): use only English here please!
dang, I really feel all that pressure you're under. It's totally messed up when you're doing everything, hustling hard, and no one even asks if you're okay! 😡 I'm with you on that. Like, you're out there smiling and cracking jokes, and no one gets how drained you are at home. I honestly think spilling all this to your psychologist could be a game-changer. They won't judge, trust me!!! Been there myself; felt like I was crumbling under expectations and nobody cared. Question though, why risk going on like this when you can just open up and maybe change everything?? Remember, you deserve to feel supported and not like you're drowning. 😟