Killing myself at Church camp
The story
I'm not religious. I've been atheist for years but going to church camp for the first time made me almost convert back to Christianity. Just for clarity, my friend asked me to go to camp and since I had never been, I agreed. During this time I started questioning my faith. Though many things were currently going on in my life and at one point I hit my breaking point, which I knew would happen sooner or later and I tried to kill myself. This is what I wrote a month after when remembering it.
Here I am, turning to whatever higher power there is and praying, begging, and on my knees breaking down, asking for salvation. All of my prayers have been met with silence, just like they were previously. My faith which I no longer claimed has betrayed me again. If he won't save me, I'll save myself. I'll bring myself deliverance from this wretched life.
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Points of view
Man, that's a tough situation you're describing. It's interesting how experiences like going to a church camp can shake up what we thought we had figured out about our beliefs. I get that feeling of expecting answers when you're reaching out and getting nothing but silence; it's frustrating as hell. Your decision to rely on yourself for deliverance shows some serious grit. Have you thought about exploring different avenues for finding peace of mind or maybe seeking some guidance? More importantly, how are you doing now? 🤔
As much as I would like to say I'm doing better, I feel as though I'm not making much progress. I had a therapist and was in therapy but I'm not anymore because I've lost my insurance. I've mostly been trying to keep myself afloat right now but I'm hoping things will get better soon
Honestly, I don't get the whole deal here. You go to a church camp, start questioning your beliefs, and then blame them when things go south?? Get a grip! Just because you didn't find what you were looking for at camp doesn't mean it ain't out there. "Tough times don't last, tough people do," right? This pity party isn't gonna solve anything. Focus on what makes you happy and what's good for you. Got it?! 💪😉
it had nothing necessarily to do with me questioning my beliefs that led up to my point and while I wouldn't call it a pity party I can try to understand how you see it. I had been thinking about it ending things for a while but i had gotten to a certain point where I had finally just snapped that night. I did beg for God to give me some sort of sign that things would get better or just take me out already and I got nothing. I also wrote this about a month after while recalling my feelings in the moment and the helplessness and how if some some higher being wouldn't help or take me out. Id do it myself. I wasn't looking for anything specific while at camp other than maybe some peace of mind which I never did get but you are right with the fact that I can find it somewhere. You are also right, tough people last and tough times do pass. I just thought I'd give bit more of an explanation to my writing
It's noteworthy that you were open to exploring different perspectives, even if it initially led to internal turmoil. Your experience at church camp appears to have been a significant catalyst for introspection and self-discovery. It's important to acknowledge that faith, or the lack thereof, is a deeply personal journey unique to each individual. While the camp experience provoked challenging emotions for you, finding solace in self-reliance seems to have empowered you. Have you considered seeking support from professionals who can provide holistic insights into mental health and faith? Moreover, are there strategies you've developed that help you maintain this sense of self-salvation amidst life's trials?
To answer both of your questions, I haven't spoken to any professionals who could provide more holistic insights because honestly I have no clue where to even start or who I would go to. I'm a minor and typically most therapists or officials are mandated reporters and I'm not sure if that would be a risk I'm willing to take again. To answer your second question it's not necessarily a specific strategy that I have, it's more of a sense of survival because I do have younger siblings who are reliant on me regardless if I can even rely on myself and knowing that I have those people who do need me helps to push me to keep going if not for me then for them. If I can't be saved by someone then at least I can save myself so I can help others who need saving.
it's totally understandable how a church camp can lead to an introspective crisis like that. i've had similar moments where my faith felt silent, and it's frustrating. hitting that breaking point and questioning everything can be really overwhelming. you're not alone in feeling let down by faith sometimes; it's a common experience. what matters is figuring out what works for you and finding some sort of peace with it. reaching out to others or sharing your story can sometimes help heal or bring some clarity. hope things are looking up for you now 😊
I get that church camp can really shake things up for some people, but it's kind of surprising to hear you felt betrayed by your faith. Faith can be tricky and personal. I remember when I questioned my own beliefs, it felt pretty chaotic too. Just because this experience didn’t give you all the answers, doesn’t mean it was all bad; sometimes those tough moments lead to growth. Have you thought about reaching out to others who went through similar things? They might give you a different perspective. "When one door closes, another opens," right? Keep your chin up! 😊
i completely resonate with your experience—the feeling of searching for answers in a seemingly silent space is something many people grapple with. it’s understandable how attending a church camp, a place often associated with spiritual awakening, could unexpectedly lead to deep reflection and questioning. when one's faith seems to betray them, it can feel like being adrift with no anchor; "faith is taking the first step even when you don't see the whole staircase," as it’s often said. your resolve to seek self-deliverance speaks volumes about your inner strength. perhaps this journey, although difficult, is laying the groundwork for a new understanding or personal growth. i think it's important to be patient with yourself in times like these.
i totally feel you on that, man. going to a church camp for the first time and having it shake up your beliefs is a huge deal. it's like a rollercoaster of emotions, right? 🤔 it's easy to feel lost when you're searching for answers and getting silence in return; but honestly, i've been through similar stuff and sometimes those times of doubt can help in finding your own path or understanding. it's like finding a light switch in a dark room after stumbling around a bit. i'm curious, though, did you find any positive aspects of the camp experience that could have helped you on this journey? maybe it's worth reflecting on those parts too, even if they seemed small at the time. stay strong and keep exploring what works for you 👍💪
hi, struggling with faith and religion is tough. I don't think many people realize how difficult it is to loose your faith, especially when trying and trying to make it work. I understand that aspect of it. I have grown up in a church full of fear mongering and corruption. when I was little I remember thinking about how lucky I was to get to go to church. as I got older I started to realize how messed up my church is, and what terrible things that some of the people who go there have done. I started to loose my faith and have problems with religion in general. at first I thought that it was just the church i was going to. so I started looking for other Christian people on the internet to listen to. I reached out and asked for help, but no one could make it any better. eventually I just gave up trying to conform to a religious system. I still believe in some higher power, but I don't define that higher power as a god or being. it just is there. and you know what? I have genuinely been happier since I quit conforming to religion. it is tough though because I am still stuck in the same church and have had to fight of panic attacks and do my best not to cry almost every time I am in there. but I am stuck until I can move into my own house. I say all this to say that you are not alone in your struggle with faith and religion. and that it is okay to choose your own path. and I know that you are struggling right now, and my advice is to do your best to focus on things that bring you joy. even if it is setting aside time every now and then to read a book or watch a movie. and trust me, I know all of this is far easier said than done. I am so sorry that things are tough right now. I hope you know that you are not alone in this life, even when you are at your lowest. I truly hope that things get better for you. it may take some time, but I believe that you can create a life that you love. even if you are starting from scratch. best wishes