I’m new to this and I just need to vent out some of my frustrations. Advice or guidance would be appreciated. There are not a prominent number of people present in my life that are familiar with this issue. If someone who has experienced this or knows someone who has experienced this wants to share some advice/feedback/ect, I would be indebted and grateful. Idk if this will be approved, hopefully it will.

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I have noticed that my loathing comes in waves. I will have a moment of time where I feel fine and somewhat okay with myself. Revisiting the evidence that a homosexual relationship is fine, the Bible only condemns homosexual sex. However, I will fall back into that trap of loathing over the existence of my homosexuality, wondering “What if I’m wrong? What if even the mere concept of being in a relationship with a woman is bad, even if it is not sexual?” Then boom, I’m pulled back into a depressive episode that affects everything from my school, to even my personal relationships.

Even though I’m trying my darnedest to hide my struggling, part of me wants others to notice, so I can be given comfort or support. Is that attention seeking? I’m not sure, but that is the only way I feel comfortable enough ”asking” for help. I’m not great with words or emotions, so maybe if people can put the dots together and come to a conclusion, then my actions and what they see will do the work for me. So that I don’t have to walk up to them and initiate the uncomfortable conversation, they will do it themselves. The closest I came to genuinely approaching someone for help was the social worker, and she didn’t listen to me and dismiss my problems, claiming it was something else entirely.

I don’t think she can relate or empathize with what I’m going through. Sexuality in tandem with religious guilt is a bit more nuanced than simply feeling lonely or having a bad break up and feeling sad about it. I have tried talking to some of the other people who visited her. One of my friends visited her for her issue. She told me a very similar story, that the social worker listened to her for around five minutes and then proceeded to misinterpret the situation and spin it into something else entirely. Recommending something that for not help address the issue, usually it consists of “You are just lonely and need friends, get friends, ignore the issue, and focus on school. It is not that big of a deal because it a phase that we all go through,” (Well, a hyperbolic summarization, but that is what I and many others took away from her meetings.)

I have yet to meet anyone who has actually benefited from their visits with her. I think I’m better off confiding in one of my teachers, I know them, they know me, there is more comfort and trust. The problem with confiding with someone is no one is really familiar or understanding of my situation. From my own experience and observations, there is not a lot of people who know or are familiar enough with such a nuanced and risky situation. If I confide in my friends there will be two parties, the side that says “Hell yeah, kiss women! Screw your religion,” and the “Idk, just stop being gay and marry a godly man, lol.” Both are not helpful in the slightest, I can’t just abandon God, or stop being gay, (I have already tried.)

I empathize with the fact that she most likely does not understand what I’m experiencing. I’m not superb at communicating my emotions or being vulnerable. I’m too walled-off and emotional inept to be equipped with the necessary capabilities to effectively express my grief. I feel as if I can’t trust anyone with this information. It required a monumental amount of effort to push myself to even apply for the appointment, let alone attending it. I’m dreading the next appointment...

She recommended that I acquire more female friends because I’m devoid of “girl-hood”, it irritates me that she deluded my feelings to something so trivial and simple. I have experienced this attraction ever since I was in elementary school. I have always been drawn to femininity and the female figure.

I have had the desire of wanting and desiring another woman carnally. Femininity is enthralling as well, I just can’t help but appreciate and bask in another woman elegance, beauty, and grace. I felt and experienced such deep-seated feelings for women that I never had for a guy. The feelings and appreciation for women span such a nuance that only I would know. It would be futile to attempt to put them down on paper (or in this case text.)

She telling me that not attracted to girls, that it is a phase that I can get over, and that I just want to be like them. I regret not correcting her on my perspective, however, I’m too effete to speak up any how. I crave the intimacy, connection, and something more carnal that one can only receive through a deeper more intimate relationship. What I desire cannot be found only in “girl-hood” or within the confines of a platonic relationship. As such, attempting to find solace in it with a woman in a platonic realm is futile, and only leaves an impression of emptiness more than anything.

However, I understand her position, she is not a woman whom is burdened by homosexuality such as I am. No matter what she does or attempts to do, she can simply not understand my feelings or experience, that is acceptable, I do not fault her on that. She is doing the best that she can from her limited familiarity on the subject, and I appreciate her effort.

Returning to the note on my sexuality, I’m frustrated. I feel deeply disgusted by the affections and desire that I have for other women. I’m sickened by the carnal nature of my lust for women. I feel grossed out when I have the desire to hold hands with another woman, cuddle with another woman, perhaps go on a romantic evening stroll with another woman. I’m angered at the desire to pursue a romantic and deeply intimate and deeply-seated relationship with another woman. Why am I like this? Why.

I feel nothing but guilt and shame upon myself whenever I think of ever experiencing something beyond platonic means with another girl. It is an intangible idea for me to yearn for. Whenever I experience these ideas I feel I have spat in the face of God and my faith. I’m perverse and degenerative for experiencing these feelings for other women. Why can’t I have been born normal, why could I have not been born fancying men instead for women, why am I like this?

I despise myself so heavily for what I feel. I’m so alone and trapped, there is no one I can run to without objection or disassociation. At times I wished that god made me a boy, that I was not born a girl. That is not to say that I desire to transition or anything akin to that. It is simply that I yearn to have been birthed as a biological male, so that I could love women without sin.

I’m so envious of heterosexual women and men in general that it sickens me to my core. Why was I cursed with homosexuality, what did do to deserve such a lonely and miserable state? I pray that men and heterosexual women never take their freedom for granted. They are fortunate people to not be burdened by guilt that people like me have to endure.

I beg that this is a phase, that I will move past this and become heterosexual. I hate my sexuality, I hate my vice, I hate it so much.

Why was a born to only be condemned or casted to be lonely, it is not fair. Why did you curse me with this God, why? I don’t understand, it hurts me so deeply, what did I do?

I just feel alone, hurt, and guilty. I’m mad that I can’t get over this. I think that it is gone, that I have moved beyond that point of grief. Then, it hits me again, and begin having doubts. I feel disgusted with my feelings and myself. I’m angry that no matter how much a pray or suppressed my homosexual urges and desires, they come back. I wish I didn’t feel this way.

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