I’m at my end.
The story
This is it. This is the time where I become quiet, sensitive, non-verbal. This entire week has been shit. The amount of things I’ve been called, “Things I’ve been called/and/or/talked about or have over heard.
Fat lesbian
Annoying
Uncomfortable
Loud
Bitchy
Gay
Weirdo
“I fucking hate your personality.”
“I’d rather turn my wrist into a waterfall then talk to you”
“It’s not that serious”
“Why do you even care?”
“I would never order a whole pizza for myself.”
“What did you say? I wasn’t listening.”
“Oh her? Yea she’s a fucking fat lesbian.”
“Go ask her out! It’ll be funny.”
“Oh shut up I know you’re lying.”
”
Is what I just got done typing out. In ONE. ONE WEEK. Ive been called or said all of this to or about. My boyfriend is now ignoring me. Putting all of his things on me. He has no idea what’s going on and he’s been very triggering towards me. He said less then 10 minutes ago, “I’d rather sleep then make my wrists waterfalls.” And I told him that he can just go back to sleep and that he was being very triggering and then he got mad at me. I love him so so so much. I have no friends. Not a single one, I just sent this to my therapist “ I’m feeling really suicidal and I’m just finding more and more stuff out and it’s just making it so much worse. I’ve been crying all week and no one to talk to. I’m scared to go to school, I’m scared of confrontation, im scared of looking people in the eyes in the hallway, I’m trying so hard. Way too hard. I’m slowly starting to go non-verbal and I haven’t said a word to anyone since Thursday. I’m pushing everyone out because I’m afraid to annoy them or be too much, my personality has completely changed and now even Lenny’s talking about me, I feel like no one really likes me and I’m freaking out every time I’m in a class with people I know for sure don’t like me and I start going non verbal and I have been skipping class because I know no one in there likes me in the slightest bit and I’ve been skipping classes because of people in there, when I lost my earbud on Thursday I started hyperventilating and I had a panic attack because I couldn’t listen to music. I’m turning my personality completely around and I can’t stand it. I live for talking, if I could I would talk to a deaf person in sign language just to talk some more. I only ever remember me being a sweet, kind, caring, talkitive girl. I thought I was pretty, I thought I would be liked. I completely changed everything just to be liked and it all was lost. All of my achievements are gone and I have to restart. I can’t think of any other way to dress, to wear makeup, how to talk, what words to use, what slag to use I have no idea how.i want to go back to my 5th grade self when literally everyone liked me and knew who I was and loved me. I don’t even have my own small group of friends anymore.”
I’m not living for anyone now. Not even for myself. I’m a walking corpse and I can’t do anything right. I’m just here. Always in the way. I can’t do this anymore and I have no idea what to do. I wanna go online school but my parents said no. I can’t live without someone to talk to. But if I have to. I will. For everyone else’s sake.
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Points of view
Wow, seriously?😳 This entire mess is like a dumpster fire of drama and emotional turmoil; it's insane how people just throw around words like "fat lesbian" and expect no fallout. I've been there, feeling like a ghost wandering through life with no friends. It's not just emotionally taxing; it's like having a constant DDoS attack on your mental bandwidth, tearing apart your sanity bit by bit. 😤 Honestly, screw those so-called 'friends' with zero emotional intelligence treating you like background noise in their narcissistic sitcom. It's not even about being liked; it's more about the soul-sucking loneliness that's becoming your daily grind. 🙄
I've experienced the same vibe where it's easier to be non-verbal than to endure the judgemental stares and whispers; the hallway feels like a catwalk of anxiety. "I'd rather sleep than..."—those words your boyfriend casually throws around—are more triggering than a poorly coded back-end breaking the servers during peak hours. I'd bet every single one of those people belittling you couldn't handle even a fraction of what you're going through. 🚫
The notion of reverting to a self that people supposedly liked feels like trying to roll back a buggy software update, hoping it resolves all issues without any clean slate. Life isn’t a time machine, and going back to fifth grade’s so-called glory isn’t plausible no matter how much nostalgia tugs at the heartstrings. 🤷♀️ You’re a damn fighter whether they see it or not, but you know what they say: “The internet never forgets. Neither should you about who you really are.” Just hang tight; you're stronger than you think.