Bruh

You ain't letting me upload my vent. Also, since last time you helped and you took some time but still got it done, here's the thing. Title is This year has been bad for me, so every year will also be. Story: So far I think I hit rock bottom. I'm slower than my friends, I failed 2 subject exams, I have no friends, some people think my emotions are too dramatic or manipulative in any way, I feel ugly, I feel too angry, I feel ancient for my interests and knowledge, I feel like a shell-less turtle if I'm positive, because so far it's always been biting my butt. Who knew at this age, even with everything most kids want, I feel like nothing? I'm selfish. I need to be the cold, numb, woman. I haven't improved, I've worsened. I've only gotten better and not being vulnerable. When I saw one girl, who used to be pretty average at sketching a few months back, she'd gotten way better. I saw her latest one, which was Hikaru from "The Summer Hikaru Died", and it looked quite great, even if she only did a pencil drawing and never outlined it. But it also reminded me that I never drew for 4 months, and I didn't draw again for a few weeks, and when I did draw in a new style, it felt awkward, unalike and ugly. Good for her, but I guess this is where I become the guy from "Perks of Being a Wallflower", and just slowly disappear from the social image. There are perks, I don't get to share failures with anyone, and I can now feel happy being alone. I should quit. I really should. I wasn't good this year anyways.

My mom even told me to stop "Wallowing". It's how we learn! Plus, mom says that doing timed writing will help. How will writing 5 hard questions under a 10 minute timer gonna work? The smart kids who manage well are just smarter than me, that's why they finish, they know it quick. Mom was smarter than me, that's why she got 85-90% on all exams, I'm just not smart. I never will be smart. And I will fail many times. I'll give up. I'll fail. I'll fail even more, so it's more a reason for me to become reclusive and just rot. I'll just fail from the fact I can't finish on time even stupid 5 math questions in 10 minutes. I already tried to draw Madonna in a realistic style, she came out unrecognizable and weird, and I didn't draw for many weeks again, and only drew stuff for school assignments. I even used my art book recently to just do calculations for some tests. I'm a failure, whether my mom hates that truth or not. Maybe this is what the universe intended. "You shall become an unskilled, reclusive female with no ambitions, because you clearly failed. You shall lose your love of art at 13, your skills at 13, and everything else at 13 because you sucked since you were born. You shall also rot in your house binge-watching romance movies and others doing creative projects to relive your old dreams like a mid-life crisis woman, except it's a 0.15 crisis woman. You shall become short, ugly, brace-faced, curly-haired, eczema-having girl with better-looking classmates. Oooh." I am going through a 0.15 crisis! I'm gonna last a recluse for life! The longer I tell myself this, the more I'll accept fate. The more negative I am, the more I don't accept my idiotic mother, I'll end up happy.

All the kids in my class are happy, with friends, and I'm smarter than them! I feel as if I am! I'm gonna be happy as a recluse because I'm only good at doomscrolling, sleeping, eating, arguing, and being lonely! It's what's good for me, right? What's so bad about a phone screen? What's wrong for me to look at others doing things I wish I did? What's wrong with me being alone when I grow up just doing this? It's better than looking for a job or friends, I'll fail at both. I've failed exams, I failed improving my art, I failed making friends for 7 years, I failed controlling my feelings, I just failed. Sometimes YouTube and chocolate milk, lying down on bed, now I just need to somehow quit tuitions. I can live like this. If I even do the timer task, I'll fail. I'll go 20 minutes beyond 10 minutes to finish, and I'll feel worse and I'll quit. Quitting's easy. I already quit looking for friends, quit art, now I can be a shrimp, just rot. Rotting is just easy. I'm allowed to rest and fear failure. Failure hurts. People even died from failures or flaws. Look at Chernobyl, the failed to stop the reactor. I can finally eat snacks, drink milk, watch YouTube on my laptop, watch shows and Hell's Kitchen, and just be with no shame. I'm a normal woman now.

My whole year was crap. Everyone else evolved and bettered quicker than I did, and even the new kids in school got new friends fast. So yeah, better to settle and be a shrimp than do anything, since I can't contribute anything. I can be happy contributing nothing with this mindset. If one year is crap, my 5 years of school will be crap too. Movies are right, "Nothing gets better". I can be happy as a degenerate living in a hut eating chips, never bathing, never getting off her bed and binge-watching. I can be happy being friendless, ugly, stupid, low-scoring, fat and unproductive. Lots of people do. Aren't I those things?! Since I am, being useless is my destiny! My mom even said it's alright I'm doing all this! Only thing which did confuse me is her saying my future is uncertain, and we talked about it already. Yeah right, as if I'm gonna have even one friend, be beautiful and be more creative than I am. Most of the time, things go wrong, horrible wrong. All those "bad kid glow-ups" are in movies. Realistic movies show kids being useless then and useless now. I'm that. I'm useless. I hate it when she told me she already told me "the explanation", when I already drew the conclusion living by rotting is what I'm good at. She even said it's okay for me to live like this. She said it's fine! She does it herself! She goes to malls, she makes food, she goes to work, she watches shows and never analyses them, she's stopped crocheting, a thing she use to love, because "she doesn't have time", and that she could pick up a skill from decades ago in "5 minutes". No one's muscle memory is that great, and I'm shocked how even before I quit for some more, my style was the same. So yeah, why bother? More evidence for me to quit, and more evidence for me to show things don't get better and she's lying.

I'll end up like her. I'll end up a shell of who I was, and just seen as a "mother who works in engineering". I'll end up losing my love for even getting up out of bed to clean myself. I already managed 2 months during summer break doing nothing and meeting no one and being bored, I can handle another 2. My mom just stopped making an effort to even crochet, so why bother listening to that idiot? The more I do nothing, the more I can accept my future. I'm a boring girl with no friends who just works as a mom. I mean, she quit everything! All for what, me? Family? Please, I must've given her a bigger reason to quit crocheting, and again, I hate it when she says parents "don't lie". You did, mom. You lied you don't have time and you can pick it up if you did in a few minutes. No one's muscle memory is that good, and trust me, your lying skills suck, I can see right through you. Adult life will suck for this reason, unless I prepare to do nothing and be a rotten foot. I'll become someone who surprises myself (not really), by showing myself there's no hope. I can never ever pick up a sketchbook for the right reasons anymore to draw, I can never be good at math or timing skills, I can never make friends, I can never be beautiful, I can never be confident, I'll just end up working 12 hours and being shrimp. I may even pick up a vape soon, I heard they taste good.

Plus, some of the 11th grade kids sneak vapes somehow into school, the boys from my grade claim to see some in the dustbins. I even saw a 12th grader vape a day before Diwali, so yeah. Normal. Hey, strawberry is even my favorite fruit, so maybe the air won't be so bad. Why would I need my lungs? My grandma has asthma, and even though my mom didn't get, I already have elements of the atopic triad, eczema, cat and dust allergies, and the last one is asthma, which I don't have yet. So, best to not get hopes high, and just see that my lungs will become mucus-generators and not...lungs. Why should I care for them, my lungs could probably kill themselves before the vape.

and put it under "Spiritual Journey"

Thank you for help

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