My survival instincts are good! This "anxiety" is really just me keeping safe. I don't get why others don't act like this. When so many things go wrong or you see so many movies that are "relatable" go wrong, "best case" becomes "best lie". It's what my thoughts tell me. My period cramps now feel worse and I feel more rapid heart-beating, but really, it's not a panic attack, it's just deep focus. No adult would be that nice, especially in events like MEFCC where you expect older people. No way they'd be so nice. They'd all probably politely tell me no for a photo but do it with someone else. It's possible. school, the exams, the marks, the resume, my ranking, my future, my potential husband, my future career, my lack of skills, my dumbness, my ugliness, my friendlessness, the million things that could go super wrong with evidence to support it!? Are they not real?! I'm not capable, I'm stupid. Then one day, I'll wear a bikini showing my belly hair even though I wax my arms and legs every 4 months (my hair grows back kinda slow after waxing) even though I don't feel safe wearing them but I did it anyways because other girls did it in some random pool party I get invited to by the cool girls until they take photos of me and post it on their Instagram group because they secretly despise me. The girls in my class may "accidentally" ignore me and act all nice and sweet and acknowledging, I don't trust people, they can be hiding stuff. I know this from watching "Eighth Grade", that movie was...something. Even though I was 6 in 2018, it doesn't matter. Apparently the 13 experience is real! Every kid thinks like me, they all plan and think about potential life issues. I may get cancer somehow even though nobody in the family struggled, maybe some ancestral gene kicked in to do that. Many people say that movie was relatable, and while I can't remember most of it, it's bound to happen! My parents will be like the ones in movies confused with technology or my hyper-fixations, even though unlike the tropes they know computer and tech well because they're engineers (I never understood that trope growing up) and mom works in a media company and when dad's in the mood, he'll talk about a cool non-fiction book he read about war or murder cases or philosophy or memoirs. "Awkward" becomes "awful" when you know deep down your worth in the grand scheme of things is 0. I only matter to my family because of mammalian instinct, not love. I was wrong about stuff like whales, they don't love, they just raise them. If I score low, if I look so ugly in MEFCC no grown cosplayer would wanna take a photo with me even with permission, where no matter after the next 7 years I'm still alone, I work as an accountant or back-breaking fry cook instead of even a marine biologist because that's actually still a cool job that's more practical, I'll just be a golly joke in the grand scheme of life.

Sometimes people hate people for no reason. My parents are probably doing this because they're like every other parent of nerds, give up and only tolerate it because their kid doesn't listen when they hear "Anime is bad!" or "Read real books!" or "Japanese are weird!" Dad may say a few things like, "Japanese work culture sucks" or "Why don't you read more non-fiction books?" but he doesn't force it, he should. "Kindness" is when someone says yes to make you happy, not because they enjoy it. Dad may have opted out from watching JoJo, but mom continues, claims her favorite of Part 1 is Speedwagon, and she still chooses to watch with me. How weird is that!? Also, since the world is so mean and hostile, I've heard of transgressive art. Since I draw, how about I skip trying to be cool like Araki and do the shocking, disturbing and gory or s-xual stuff to show my anger, like how other people vent. I may regret it in the long run since it isn't me, but apparently according to many movies I watched which are coming-of-age, what is "you" at 13? So, maybe "you" can be super angry, open about your violent ideas and opinions, draw nasty stuff, and I don't know, what do artists who vent draw? I end up drawing my favorite characters or my own characters or crafting, but I don't know, to be truly soothed, should you draw the "art of transgression"? I've seen artists draw p-do art or intense gore or nudity or characters uh...doing IT, and again, I'll regret it very badly because it's in my art book, MY BOOK, but to be fair, many other kids do it, many ADULTS do it and they get sold for millions or talked about, isn't transgressive art true venting?

What even is self-betrayal at 13, when you don't know who you are? What if I'm doing this because my family or the law says no, what if the edgy artists do this because they realized they have free will? What if "I'm uncomfortable with this" is really just "I'm scared of what others think?" Many people draw shocking stuff to show the world how much they hate something, themselves, the President, the global warming, genocide, r-pe, whatever. That's why looking at "negative" stuff like wars, water shortage, death, genocide, r-pe, murder, corruption, is really just waking up, even if you feel like when you live next year, you're just lucky to be alive, and you find it harder everyday to believe you're alive. Who knows? Maybe the donations on McDonald's app or Noon delivery is fake, maybe Red Crescent Society is secretly corrupt and steals money under the guise of "charity"! Maybe the 1-5AED donation is not enough! Who knows! I can't just draw fanart or my characters forever, it contributes nothing! I contribute nothing. What does Joseph Joestar contribute, he's dumb, he's fictional and he's dumb! What does drawing Speedwagon, Joseph, Jotaro, my characters, what do they do to help the dying kids in Gaza? I bet those kids if they saw me, they'd think I'm an insult because I'm out here drawing while they're out here drowning! I'm not depressed or anxious, I'm aware! Those Gaza kids will want ME dead! I DESERVE TO DIE. MY LIFE IS WORTHLESS. I'M FUCKING WORTHLESS. I NEED TO FUCK MYSELF FIRST BY HAVING SEX WITH A CHILD MOLESTER FOR GOOD MEASURE BECAUSE MY PUSSY IS WORTHLESS, TOO! I CAN'T CONTRIBUTE ANYTHING BECAUSE I'M A FUCKING SLUTTY CUNT

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