There is no point. There really is none.

Anxiety is why we're alive. We survived mammoths, saber-tooth tigers, big lizards probably, deadly insects, and all that. It's why I'm not drowning in the ocean, just swimming in the pool, which I quit as well because I didn't enjoy swimming as a sport. It's why no shark has eaten me thinking I'm a fish. Yes I know why they accidentally eat humans sometimes, they think we're food, they're kinda dumb at times, not evil. Dolphins, though... Still, my grandpa's family only got lucky, being fishermen and all. How did my grandpa even live near the shores of Kerala, fishing and living in a hut before he grew up to be a doctor in Mangalore with a big house? Dad said the tides of the Arabian Sea are deadly, so how did grandpa live? How did my older cousin casually swim on the shore, when the tides looked huge? The ocean isn't safe. How am I even alive? On one hand, I was born with a cleft palate, because LiFe DeCiDeD BeCaUsE I wAs A gIrL (apparently it's more common in girls with isolated cleft palates), yet I got it fixed and I didn't require a speech therapist, I got eczema at 3 and newfound cat and dust allergies at 12, yet I didn't die. I ate salmon and all sorts of fish, except for the very niche ones (shark, stingray, all that), yet I didn't get any swollen throat stuff or anaphylactic reactions. Maybe I'll get a lobster allergy as a new one because my mom has one where her throat gets super itchy if she eats a lot, otherwise, no anaphylaxis.

I can confidently say that about my brother, bro got the very early stages of pneumonia, he got hospitalized with an IV drip for 2 days. Even before that, he'd had to use the nebulizer so many times during winter especially. He's fine now, and he rarely uses it at 11.5, but me? Nah, my body decided, "Let's give you more allergies!" I love cats, but I have to force myself to enjoy the marine life only because of allergies. My grandma's asthma lasted until she's 65 now, and NOW she can only walk with cats. Back then, even when I was a baby, nah. This is it, I'll end up like my grandma and ancestors. My great-granny even had eczema. I can't even pet cats now! I can't bury my face in it and be like normal people, I'd have to wear a mask and woolen gloves. I went to a park and a cat got so comfortable with me, it went on my lap and lied down, and when I wanted to move, it didn't scratch or bite me, he just jumped off, eyes still sleepy. I rubbed his face, and then I started sneezing and my eyes got red. My mom got me bubble tea later on in the park, it was good, but still, I can't be normal. I'd have to move towards fish because well, they can't produce Fel d 1, they just look at you like you're their food god. Still, they don't love me, they just exist and move in schools. And I obviously can't own a dolphin because I hate them and whales are...bruh. They're loving, but they're HUMONGOUS.

I've LOOKED at cats far too long, but it's fine. Most hate humans anyways. Dogs to me are kinda scary. How do people even have cats with allergies? Heck, Mayo Clinic says this, "If you don't have a pet but are considering adopting or buying one, make sure you don't have pet allergies before making the commitment." WebMD says, "If you or a family member has cat allergies, you shouldn't have a cat in the home...Protect yourself. When around cats, wear a mask with an N95 respirator, and wash your hands with soap and water if you touch them (where am I even gonna get that?)..." And then they say this, "Cat allergy symptoms happen due to proteins in a cat's saliva, urine, and dander, affecting around 10% of people in the U.S. Even if you're not allergic to cats, they can bring in other allergens from outside. While some breeds are "hypoallergenic," any cat has the potential to cause issues. Symptoms of a cat allergy include coughing, wheezing, itchy eyes, and skin irritation, often showing up quickly after contact. To confirm an allergy, consult a doctor for tests, and consider avoiding cats altogether if you or a family member is allergic. Treatment options include antihistamines, decongestants, nasal steroid sprays, and allergy shots, though prevention remains the best approach." The more I tell myself I shouldn't own a cat, the more I'll get used to the lack of affection from pretty but essentially emotionally unintelligent fish. That park cat just somehow trusted me more, which stray-wise, big mistake, it should've tried to scratch me like normal cats when I wanted it to get off. Again, cats hate humans anyways, why else would most pet cats not care about you and demand you serve them? I'll stick to fish, at least it's more predictable when they ask you for food, nice water and nice rocks. I've learnt to wish less for what I want.

What's wrong with what I did? Accept that you'll get less, the more you'll accept that you are less. There's one cosplay event I wanna go, and even though it's in April, I'm scared of failing exams the month before and it not feeling worth it, even if my parents will try to support. They're weird for not yelling at me for scoring low marks last exam. They yelled at me more when I said, "I'm stupid, that's why I failed." I don't even know cosplaying, so what's the point, I'm gonna mock myself in the future for even trying and looking ugly. I'm new at dancing as well, so in the class after I had to do it solo, the students clapped without the teacher telling them, and I asked one of them if they're just clapping because they had to and I know I'm not good, then she looked at me, baffled, told the teacher, and he said I "did alright, good enough", and she said she did worse than me early on. No way. They usually say that to appear humble, I've seen enough movies to figure out that they're lying. My brother even told me I shouldn't have asked her, especially if they clapped without the teacher saying anything. But the more I accept I'm stupid, I'm ugly, I'm worthless, I'm weak-bodied, and I don't deserve what I get, I'm real, grown up. I don't deserve the relief I got after the exams, it just means I'm stupid. In fact, why don't mom and dad act like normal, Indian parents? Tell me my worth is the exams, because if I don't pass, at 8th, I won't go into 9th, I won't have a job opportunity, I won't go to a new grade, I'll be humiliated and held back for being stupid, and that I am stupid. They get more mad when I tell them I'm stupid, because that's the truth, I'm stupid. What's relief, what is "good" and all when their own child is a failure? I can't handle pressure, which means I can't do any jobs which gives me big bucks!

I remember pointless things. What good will marine biology do if anyways most deep sea creatures are harmless to us? Anyways most people grow up not doing what they like. They love space and even when they wanna be an astronomer, not even an astronaut, an ASTRONOMER, they end up accounting money, like everyone else. Like every normal human. Accepting worthlessness is peace. You matter to no one. You don't. If I die, it makes no difference to the 153,000 per day deaths. I really don't matter, and when you accept your worth as much as turd, you live life accepting you're never good enough instead of trying to fly with wings as a human.

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