i cant do this anymore. im so tired
The story
I'm 21 and i lived a reverently hard life with an alcoholic father and drug addict mother, life wasn't easy but my older sister made it work. When I was 12 my oldest sister hung herself and my best friend shot herself 2 months later. i know death, and death knows me too. I've done all stages and moved past my emotions. but a few months ago, an 17 year old girl who i knew, lived with, helped her father raise her and love her was hit by a car at 5 in the morning because she rode her bike with no lights or reflectors. for a while i told her to use a light. i couldn't get her off the streets. i tried so so so fucking hard but i couldn't. so i showed her how to survive the streets. who to trust, who too watch for, what to watch for, how to watch your back without looking suspicious. she loved boxing, so me and her would practice for hours in the driveway leaving bruises on each other and laughing. right before she died i moved away 2 hours away from my home, my people, my village, everything i knew to move in with my boyfriend as i wanted out from under my father and in a life of my own. but she died. that 2 hour drive felt like 2000 years. everyone says i spoke a beautiful speech at her funeral but i barely remember it. i just remember her being so cold, telling her ill see her again one day and crying into her fathers chest [he's my uncle just not blood uncle] i came back with my boyfriend and helped move his family into a new home, i started a new job and have been struggling so so much. me and my boyfriend went through a period where we were fighting a lot. the moment things were getting better i found out he was on a fetish app talking to multiple girls and sending dick picks. he lied to my face and act like he didn't know i knew. things have finally started moving past that. but I'm stuck. i want my riley back, my fighter, my smoke buddy, my soul snatcher, my hot headed, spicy beautiful little girl back... i was only 4 years older then her but i felt like her mother. i loved her like i was her mother. i showered her when she was depressed and couldn't. i hand feed her right after and brushed her hair, dressed her and took her out. i want those days. id take seeing her severely depressed then in that casket because at least with one she's alive even if its barely. I almost got fired and on the edge of being fired. i feel like I'm not enough. i wasn't enough for my sister and best friend. i wasn't enough to keep her alive and smarter with her decisions, i wasn't enough to have him not cheat on me. I'm not enough to do good at work. I'm not enough. I'm never enough. I'm always too much or never enough. how can i move past something that turned my whole world upside down and across the galaxy. I'm so tired. and not in a "i wanna go to sleep" way but in a "see them all once again for eternity" kind of way. what do i do.......
Stories in the same category
Points of view
it's such a heavy burden to carry, feeling like you're responsible for the world around you; but taking on so much isn't fair to you. it's clear you've given so much love and support to those who needed it most -- don't discount that. maybe try shifting your focus inward, nurturing yourself with the same compassion you showed riley and others. remember, pain is inevitable but suffering is optional; finding a good therapist or counselor could help some peace creep back into your life.
man, talk about a rough ride through life's rollercoaster 😞 first off, i'm sorry you're dealing with so much; it sounds like you've been thrown one curveball after another. but honestly, how the hell is anyone supposed to hold everything together with all that weight on their shoulders? "The measure of intelligence is the ability to change" and you’ve managed to adapt in ways most people can't even fathom. living through those losses and still trying to make life work makes you stronger than you think or feel right now. have you ever considered what Riley would want for you if she could give advice from beyond? kind of dark but maybe it helps frame things differently; because honestly, blaming yourself isn't fair when no single person can control everything around them. keep holding on, even if it's by your fingertips—you're doing more than enough;
Given the immense challenges you've faced, it's understandable to feel overwhelmed and question your sense of adequacy. However, from what you've shared, it seems you have displayed an exceptional level of empathy and resilience throughout these experiences; such qualities are rare and valuable. While it's natural to dwell on feelings of responsibility, particularly following such tragic events, it may be beneficial to consider how influence is limited by external circumstances beyond your control. Do you believe that engaging in activities that honor Riley’s passions—like boxing or something similar—might provide a sense of connection or solace?
Is it truly fair to place the blame of another's demise squarely on your own shoulders when it's evident that external factors, outside of your control, play a formidable role in the unfolding of such tragic events?
Your narrative is profoundly poignant, and it's clear you've borne the weight of immense loss and heartbreak throughout your life. ❤️ You've shown incredible resilience and strength by navigating through such challenging circumstances, nurturing and guiding those around you, even when faced with overwhelming adversity. It's understandable that you're left feeling depleted after giving so much of yourself to others, yet still dealing with feelings of inadequacy.
It's important to recognize that your efforts were monumental, despite the tragic outcomes beyond your control. Life can be unpredictable, and although we can do our utmost to protect those we care for, sometimes factors are outside our realm of influence. Maybe consider seeking support from a therapist or counselor who can help you process these emotions and assist in finding a path toward healing.
Remember, every action you've taken was out of love and compassion—a testament to the deep bond you shared with Riley and others you've lost. Moving forward doesn't mean forgetting them; it's about finding ways to honor their memory while taking care of yourself too. You are more than enough, just as you are. 🌹
it’s heartbreaking to see how much weight you’re carrying from such a young age, and it’s absolutely unfair; you’ve been thrust into roles that are soul-crushingly demanding. i'm genuinely amazed by your resilience, but it's clear you're exhausted, and that's completely understandable. "we can't direct the wind, but we can adjust the sails"—maybe finding small ways to regain control could help; areas where you can make gentle changes for yourself without feeling like you have to fix everything around you. remember, even in chaos, small beacons of hope shine through when least expected💔
yo, your story's got a whirlwind of emotions and experiences that most folks wouldn't endure in a lifetime, let alone by 21. but i gotta say, putting all that blame on yourself? that's hardly fair or even accurate; life throws the harshest lessons sometimes and we can't control everything. my mom always used to tell me "you can lead a horse to water, but you can't make it drink," right? you've done more than many would in your shoes; maybe try honoring their memory by taking care of yourself for once—it ain't selfish; it's survival. keep hanging in there 💪