You know what is MEFCC, right? The Middle East Film Comic Con? I know. It got postponed to September 11-13. Yay. I thought I could go on April, in a new school year, finishing exams, doing my Joseph Joestar cosplay decent for a first attempt, meet people who are like me, and have fun. But there is war going on in Dubai, which is also my home. I’m in India now, for god knows how long. I thought I could go in April, but it postponed. I thought things could improve, but this process it can’t. I don’t know why I’ve been so hopeful back then. What was the point? What is the point of trying to have fun here in India? It’s like cheering when you failed. I’ll still be friendless, I’ll still score low, I’ll never be able to control my home or myself. That’s why it sucks. I can’t ever control anything. My home could blow up and I could end up alone here. Iran could nuke UAE, Saudi and Qatar to prove that they destroyed the world, and the USA isn’t doing anything to stop this from getting worse, only worsening. It’s all timed right after my birthday. I shall never celebrate again, if this is all that’s been happening, getting worse as I age. I’m not gonna go because of this. It’s a cheers to something hopeless. I’ve lost everything before I even got to live newly. My exams got cancelled, which is fine, but what was that effort for? It never mattered. I never did. I knew I was a waste of space.

I was a waste of space, oxygen, life and money. No wonder I’ve got no friends. I didn’t actually matter. Every time I think I’m good, I go back to zero. This isn’t even zero, this is minus. I hurt everything by being myself. I shouldn’t have even asked this. I wouldn’t have been this hurt. Every time I go back to being worthless. Because I am worthless, I always was. My life so far has always been me failing right when I think I’ve gotten better. I should just stop and wish I never was this way. Wish I was normal. I should’ve been thrown away right when I was born. I was born bad. I was born lame. I was born with a cleft palate, which was fixed early, but I should’ve not been so invested so early. I wish I wasn’t exciting, even at home. That way it wouldn’t hurt as much.

My home is destroyed. UAE is destroyed. I spoke to my mom and brother. Mom messaged that she’s happy for me that it’s at least postponed (she guessed it by the way), the world’s problems aren’t mine to solve and I’m not a peace activist, no one expects me to fix the world, I can learn to control my feelings, she thought it was dumb of me to assume that Trump would specifically blow up our home, we’re not at complete war, and that Iran isn’t dumb enough to hit the richer countries with oil because the whole world’s economy would collapse, and I should have fun in India because relatives are here. My younger brother said that Iran won’t hit UAE in oil ports or citizens because “they’re friends” due to the oil and only attacked the US bases, but that I should keep trying, because he said what if I war never back to 0, but still at 50, like I usually was, just shaking? Doesn’t change the fact I’m behind others, they’re at 80 while I was at 50, now minus. I’m still at minus. I’m still worthless. I still have no chances anymore, and that I’m worthless in India. I only matter to my relatives and my main family, and even then, I’m even more of a nobody here.

I don’t know if it’ll get better. Maybe I’ll be here as my new home. Everything may be reducing here, but it won’t be the same. Lesser people will be in UAE because it’s not the safest country. They’ll think it’s dangerous now, because it’s in Middle East. All western movies say that, and they’re right. There’s no point anyways. My parents are delusional for saying we’re here for 3 weeks. We’ll be here for 3-9 months! How do I know? World war 3 is already happening. And I can stop this off I figure or some way to just not be me or change myself in the new school here or die from the world exploding from nukes!

Look what being me did. It hurt me more than help. It’s not good to have weird interests, or value friendships so much, or dress up, or have your family as your friend, or having eczema, or having braces, or having short hair as a girl even when you only cut it to reduce rash in your scalp to only one small location, even when you’re short. I’m stupid. That’s why I have no friends, I scored badly at school for a few exams, and worst of all, my family is my only friendship. At 14, I should be having more outside friends and I don’t know, hate family, and have fun and not value them too much. Or if I do have a group who only likes me if I act a certain way, I hate that I can’t change into them so fast. Why can’t I change myself to be them?

I’ve lost all chances. I always turn down people whenever they talk badly about some friends of theirs being their backs, or when they ignore me even if I tried I try to make myself happy, it’s a bad habit. I’m too goody-two-shoes, I need to revel in some way to be a teenager. I’m 14, I should’ve done something rebellious earlier! Now with the war, which all my relatives here are saying, it’s worse. Even with people here, they were only interested at first because I came from Dubai, otherwise they’d ignore me. That’s okay, I don’t like me either. I really need to stop celebrating birthdays. It’s always bad luck, this war happened right after. It means growing up is realizing you’re not great to anyone. Why haven’t I died in the womb? I made my mom fat and had her be my friend. It sucks. That cleft palate shouldn’t have been my only flaw, I should’ve had something else. I make things worse. For me and for my family. Why do I even have good relations with family only? It’s every kid’s nightmare. Right? Plus, what normal kid’s home could get bombed?

Now all I have are a bunch of drawing books, craft supplies and markers. I can draw but how can that fix anything? I even have my earphones and music stuff, but again, can’t fix anything. It’s like toasting when the world is exploding. Pointless. So, yeah, how’s drawing and listening to music gonna help? I’m just drawing, with colors, that’s weird right when my home could blow up with a nuke. It’s not like my cool music taste is gonna fix everything. Mangalore is cool, but it’s not home.

I’m not even as good as I used to be. I try drawing differently, and it’s inconsistent. Earlier it used to be consistent, but now with me trying a new style. It’s not even as good as Araki’s, which I’m a fan of JJBA now. Yeah, one of the more niche Shonen ones out there. Not as new as JJK or Demon Slayer. His style is so immaculate and cool, and mine is a mimicry of that, a pathetic one. It still looks like mine, except I changed the face and some stuff, but even then, the lines and proportions are somewhat inconsistent. It sucks. I never improved. I only went backwards. I shouldn’t even draw. I don’t even know why I like some of them.

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