And boy, was I still internally rejecting it

There's a woman in the office I'd like to socialize with. She's quite attractive, but that's beside the point. I like her because we're around the same age. However, she insists on keeping everything strictly professional, to the point of completely imposing her will, acting as if she were the boss, without any room for dialogue whatsoever. From every perspective, this woman is out of place, and I don't want to talk to her anymore. She stresses me out. She's not my boss; she's not there to order me around. Even my own boss doesn't have that right.

I'm tired of playing along with her. I don't like her as a person. Her life is a constant threat to others, fueled by a brutal sense of victimhood. I'm fed up. I don't want her to keep telling me what to do, how to interact with others. In fact, I think it's outrageous that she's blocking me in order to maintain order and control my impulses. She's trying to keep me in line, but that's not how things work. The key is dialogue, not imposition. I don't like it at all. I feel disrespected, bureaucratically and emotionally invaded, completely devastated.

Thanks to this girl, I was able to escape the clutches of my boss, who had me between a rock and a hard place, who wanted me to socialize with everyone in a forced way, so as not to embarrass him, and that's something I'll always hate him for. But what happened with this girl was enough. She's not my boss; we're definitely coworkers, but nothing more. She doesn't have to give me any direction; I'm not a child by any means.

Luckily, all of that was worked out with her. In fact, I tried to push her to the limit regarding her desire to be my boss, because she isn't. She's a person, a friend, as we both agreed. It's fine that she wants to keep me blocked, to make sure that our friendship doesn't spill over into the professional sphere, and that it's bound to explode into disaster. I agree with establishing a relationship, one based on genuine affection, but for God's sake, let it be effective, as she and I both clearly saw. It pains me not knowing how she is right now or being able to contact her in any way. I don't feel I can reach anyone at the office because they're all in their own worlds, and they see me as some kind of threat because I don't approach life with the same level of concern.

No one there wants to tell me what boundaries I should follow, not at all. They all assume they should have them, and for that very reason, they distance themselves from me, reject me, and forget about me in conversation, and that's uncomfortable. I don't feel welcome at work because of the lifestyle I've chosen, and they even seem to think it's friendly to make changes. I feel hurt at the office. That girl isn't the only one; rather, she was the one who highlighted what the others were doing to me, and it was incredibly difficult for me to change, always finding myself at the mercy of conflict. It's awful, but I don't feel like I belong in the office right now. I feel like I'm on my own, living my own life, but not with them. I don't feel included at work, precisely because of that rejection. I don't feel like I belong. It feels like a complete illusion to be in a WhatsApp group for all of them. They all think that if I join them, I'll have some ulterior motive or something. Luckily, this girl stopped thinking that way a long time ago. She realized that I was simply there for that sweet thing we had, but that, without a doubt, for God's sake, I needed her to be there, because I can't assume anything. I don't know her, I'm not in her world, and I shouldn't have to be. And for her to leave, just because I'm a stranger, wanting to be there, is the worst thing you can do to a person.

It's feeling completely rejected, because we come from different circumstances, and I don't know how to handle it. And it's perfectly fine that I don't know, and that doesn't mean I can be left out. We're in contact through the WhatsApp group, but personally, I'd like to have a face-to-face conversation with her. What kind of friendship is this, for God's sake? How is it possible that at work, because of my circumstances, I can't be happy? How is it possible that for reciprocating her feelings, I have to be blocked? How is it possible that by being responsible with my feelings, I make people uncomfortable? It's not fair, and I can't ignore these feelings. I can't. It's not my ethics. My ethics aren't to avoid anyone. It's not my style. It's disrespectful. There are facts, and I can't ignore them. I can't abandon anyone. How is it possible that for not sharing the same circumstances, I'm treated like this? It can't be. I don't feel welcome in the office.

I don't feel welcome as a human being in this girl's life. All this time, I've had to chase her down, desperately, so that, for God's sake, she'd understand that the issue wasn't that she was out of control.

I needed her support, because it was there. Why did I have to insist until I couldn't anymore, enduring every possible rejection? I don't even know where this person is; there's no coordination whatsoever. All my time with her lately has been nothing but adapting to how she handles things, forcing me into a box no matter what, justifying everything she does, precisely because I can't reciprocate, precisely because of her nerves, anxieties, and so on. And now I have to live completely subject to her circumstances, to her feelings. Nevertheless, for God's sake, where do I fit into all of this? I don't recognize myself at all. I'm tired of defending this human being who only succeeded in shattering my life, exposing me to the worst experiences I could ever imagine: rejection, ostracism, humiliation. God, I went through so much because of this person. But I also have to acknowledge that this is the price of responding to feelings in a society where that's not the norm, where feelings are seen as an obstacle to progress, and the prevailing ethics are to ignore them.

No one has any idea what I went through, the defenses I had to mount with my own work group, to the point of jeopardizing its future, precisely because my relationship with her was detrimental to their image. It was hell, and I'm sure she knows I went through it in some way. I'm sure she knows the anxieties I endured behind the scenes, everything I've kept bottled up, and now she's trying to defend me, trying to be empathetic, because, in fact, my life was radically turned upside down because of her, precisely because I didn't reciprocate her feelings, precisely because I was completely avoidant until the very end. I lost my work group, I lost my life outside of work thinking about what to do with this girl, all the tears I shed, the things I couldn't say because I have no one else. That girl, in essence, turned my world upside down, exactly what she didn't want for herself. So, did she want to keep the peace at my expense? Even she didn't think it was fair; it was precisely what she didn't want to show in her image under any circumstances. In fact, she broke down, she broke her principles of limiting herself solely to work, to what was convenient, to finally enter the realm of emotions. Because what I was going through wasn't fair, that I insisted and insisted, that because I was responsible she would leave me aside, something that surely happened to her. Her image was forged at the cost, through her practices, of avoiding these kinds of people, but with me, it was shown that she was still in that guise, that what she was doing was purely to exert control over the world, that it was nothing more than that, an image she maintained at the expense of others reciprocating. And indeed, because her very presence, the lack of socialization with her, exudes abandonment, and that is what others want to prevent with this, because it's precisely about being different, in today's culture, from what was experienced in childhood.

I've wanted to express this for a long time, I know I was disorganized, but I needed to see these things.

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