I've sort of... vented some heavy things here. So much pain.. so much memory. Too much of everything. But some memories keep me warm in the dark, when all I see is violence and all I hear are screams long since past their point of echo.

I think of my boy, my dog, my Spike. A dachshund. Large for his breed, loud. A beautiful animal, gods own touch.

We'd taken him in from a place no better than ours.. but, for a time.. it was. As Home fell into chaos and my childhood became what it was, there he was with me. I sought escape. I sought anything good.

As time marched, I wasn't able to have many friends. I was isolated. Forcefully. Coupled with the things my family was doing, the things in which they were involved.. but here he was. My boy. I wish I had a happy ending here. I wish.. so bad.

He meant everything to me. More than my own life. I could be beaten, tied down, the worst you can imagine.. but no harm to him. I fought for him, in that place. Where even children suffered. Where perversion and.. just. Evil. Rampant evil. I began to try and run away from home..I couldn't always take him. She, my mother, she knew his worth to me. God help me typing this. God please.

I just need to get it out. Once just once. Forgive me if you read this, and find only pain. ims orry

I would take him everywhere. Hikes, into the mountains. I showed him places most only reached by helicopter. I took him to sights many would think too impractical or unsafe for him to see; Ancient, titanic landslides hundreds of KM into the Unknown, or little seen.

I took him to stagnant glaciers, to the ocean that was the tops of each mountain, behind the Diamond, as we called it- the largest mountain near. Black, smooth peaks. They were like massive, frozen waves. And there he was, on my pack. At my side. Happy, loving me. I spent so long nurturing that sweet innocent life. He was so mistreated as a pup... he was so afraid. Like me.

But he was brave too. Like any dog, full of adventure and curiosity. One time, damn me for losing any pictures of this, I put an orange bandana on him, and little shades. He was ecstatic to be included in human clothes ahah.

Didn't last.. animals in my home.. didn't last. Then, I was far too young. I didn't see, it wasn't just me, just us kids, being abused. And eventually, everyone but me remained. Me and Her. She knew, as my escape attempts became more complex.. only time. Just a matter of time. So She did what any abuser does: Destroy something I love.

I escaped from home, after time. Ran. Alone. 14 years old. No one to help. I tried to take him.. no place would take me with him. No shelter. I pleaded, I screamed I threatened. No one cared. I couldn't go back, not without a way to save him. So I.. did my own thing. Somehow, finished school . Got a job, my own place- at that unlearned age, fuck, man.

All the while She hunted me. Always. Somehow the Law just.. wouldn't take her, not then. No matter what she did.. those fucking cowards..

One day; I received a message. The dog was dying. No way to save him. I felt something. Idk what. I just.. knew it was Her, my mother. That witch who wears skin like she's human, but has done so much to prove otherwise. She told me- come, come say goodbye. I was torn. She wouldn't lay a finger on me, or I'd.. do what I needed. But.. three years now. I was 17, I was.. maybe I should. I'm bigger. I can take her. I'll go, I'll see my baby.. maybe take him? Anything. I told her if she valued her life, she'd leave the talking to me. So much had happened..You cannot understand. The woman tore part of my face open as a boy. She... I had my reasons for being so.. cold. I was young. scared.

But I went. What a mess.. my boy. Grayed. Older. He was so happy to see me, I nearly screamed in anguish to see how he struggled to come to me. My only friend, my only family. no

but yes

I took him into my arms. I took him and walked to his favorite place. The beach... he whined. wanted to run oh my God but he couldn't. He vomited.. blood all over me. His eyes became white.

He whined, and.. the pain my baby. My boy. It was the worst I had ever suffered. No.. beating nor burns nothing. Nothing compared. I demanded- what the fuck?? How is he puking his entrails, what. the. FUCK? I told mother- explain freely, or have it beaten from you. I was furious. Bloodlust.. I'm not.. I'm not happy to share this.. even here. But. It's true.

She took my shoulders. A soft voice.. What is this, I thought. She has only EVER been violent, been aggressive, hateful. She's.. only ever done this once- when.. she killed my snake.. My python..

She'd hated that thing. The bulbs kept bursting.. she was tired of replacing them. I came home.. it's head was flat. Guts trailed down its body. I asked her- then, I was 12- what happened?

She looked at me with the same eyes, same voice: "I'm sorry darling. Dehydration." I knew it was a lie..

And instantly, I smacked her away, hard, violently. I held my boy to me, and told her to get away. She tried to soothe me, running her hands on my shoulders. But I knew.

She told me a rival- some other druggie whore- had poisoned him. Anti-freeze. She said she would get revenge for me.

I told her nothing, not then. Spike began to die in my arms... more blood. Rage and anguish.. The ONLY THING ID EVER BEEN ALLOWED TO HAVE. Gone.

I took his body. Walked home, covered in his blood. I felt.. I.. don't know. Pain. Sorrow. I felt I needed to die; I failed him. I should have saved him, even if it meant killing that bitch. Such innocence.. my baby. And so innocent as God makes all creatures that aren't men, that aren't US.

I had a name- the would be poisoner. I confronted her- of all places- in her deathbed. Her family.. I.. don't take pride.. in it. I put the fear of God almighty into them. Me, this broken young boy, filled with vengeful rage... but it wasn't her. I was given proof- rivalry? Sure. They explained the truth. It was all mother. As expected. Mother tried to tell me this woman walked a week away from death, 3 hours into the wilderness to where my mother had been camped- yes, camped- to kill my dog. I was.. idek.

I flew into a rage. Hunted her. She fled.. think of this, I was beaten black and blue from 3 to 14. She.. ran??? From ME??? I didn't have proof concrete proof. But I knew she'd done it. She did. To this day.. I am haunted. Maybe any of who reads this will have already read the other horrors I've posted. For that, I am sorry. But.. this is all I have. I can almost forgive it...the pain. Tied in the dark. The.. other things. Beatings.. worse. Not just by her... I can almost, God damn it, I can almost forget... but my boy? No, no.. I can't. My poor boy. I rescued him from one hell, and I failed to prevent another. I hate Myself for it... I curse the world; I damn my mother that evil whore.. I.. it hurts so much. I'm sobbing even now. God.

My cats also magically disappeared, a year later. The story given, another lie.. She probably killed them too..

This is all so fucked up.. I know. I have so much pain. So much. Hurts so so bad. Want to be held by anyone; but too weak.. too scared. Try to.. talk to counselors. Can't. words choke me, I freeze. Anger and pain and sorrow.. and ALWAYS my Spike. My boy. I'm so sorry I couldn't save you. I'm sorry I was so weak and so scared. Boy or otherwise. I should have risked the winter. I should have died with him. Something, ANYTHING. and here I am now. 26 years old.. I feel 50. 100. I feel broken. I want to get help.. but I'm so scared to face this. God forgive me.. God please forgive me. Spike forgive

my boy my boy. forgive me for everything

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