BPD + trauma dump.
The story
Hey im lwk here to trauma dump and explain how i feel as someone who is in the process of getting diagnosed with bpd and cptsd.
So I have a extensive past so this may be a long read.
This all started with my uncle and step dad. Mainly my stepdad. He abused me for years I was about 4 when it started and 10 when it stopped thanks to my mum Finaly divorcing him. I'm glad I didn't get beaten by him but he would smack me and shove me around till my ass was brussied and I couldn't sit or lay down from the pain for days or even weeks. I became suicidal at 6 after losing friends and getting abused so often for literally just breathing to loud. Anyway around 7 my uncle gave me bad trauma around alcohol and some drugs he was very high of some very bad drugs dont remember exactly what one's but they where bad. He came home screaming and shouting and hit me and my God mother in the drug fueled rage and police where called. About 6 months later I had to move house from my school and few friends left for the first time. That became a staple I went to 8 schools. The new school was worse I had this one girl beat me black and blue in year 1 or 2 and she was aloud to stay on the playground I wasn't. That fucked up my sense of if you hurt someone that just means your better then them. (Also from my past abuse trauma i assumed it was okay and I was just weak.) Eventually we moved again out of state for a year when I go heavily pushed into Christianity and got touched by a teacher at that school. I was also exposed to porn and sexual content about 2 years earlier and these events made me very hypersexual at just 7/8 years old. At 8 I moved back to the old state. This is where it gets bad i recommend if you are sensitive to rape sexual assault abuse people Getting away with that grooming and more to click away.
We moved to a well know school and moved in with my grandparents. My cousin who was 1 year younger shared a room with me is very important here and will be mentioned soon. At this school it was good other then bulling for a bit and this one boy hunter in year 4 so a year after I moved he would start to touch me grab my ass and tits and thighs which later lead to rape. He was very violent and as I was his best friend I go put alone with him I his rages as I could claim him down.( by letting him touching me) this is also when my cousin mentioned earlier also began raping me. Every night in my own home. The first time I refused he was very mad and the next day at school saw me walk past and tackled me pulling my hair out in chunks and biting me. He moved out around 4-8 months later i dont remember exactly. In year 5 around the time my cousin left I began being closer with this girl hallie. She was extremely. Manipulative abusive and would assault me from time to time. She was a very bad person and gave me most of my trauma even despite hunter my stepdad my uncle and my cousin. She would leave me and come back as I got independent. She tried killing me think I was deathly allergic to something I had a mild reaction to because we had a mutual friend i was talking to.
After that I went to high school where the boy I liked told his older sister and she hated me so proceeded to try sell me a battery acid vape to kill me. This was 4 months after hallie tried. She was friends with this other girl Caitlin who would bash me. 2 .months later I moved schools. I was doing good. Then I got in a relationship with this dude Jason. He was fucked. He would use trauma I had and put his arm around my neck any time I tried to move which he knew was a move hallie would pull. He isolated me and made me completely dependant on him then I split on him once again after he said he never liked me and I broke up with him. I instantly regretted it a begged for him back. He got back with me for 1 day. And proceeded to just give my jumper back and say this isn't gonna work infront of all my friends and my whole class. I ran out crying my friends comfortated me but this sent me into a obsession. For months I would make fake a counts to stalk him I'd beg and bag for him back if get my friends involved. The day he broke up with me my best friend threw Potato wedges or smt at him. Instead of moving on and keeping my best friend I let Jason manipulate me again. He said he would get back with me if I stopped being friends with that friend and hated them. I stopped being friends with them and got in a punch on with them before I realised what happened. I had no boyfriend and ruined my best friendship.i went into a spiral and began dating 16-19 year olds at 13. Getting raped and abused more. This year I became friends with that old friend again. I developed a crush on them and now we have been dating 5 months. Its hard. We both have bpd. We both split. He has did. Some of his alters(maybe most) dont think i have bpd. Fair. Im not like his bpd. I dont show my splits very much anymore. I used to get violent when I did. I dont anymore. I start hating him. It feels like I'm going to do that again. Im scared i will hurt him.
Sometimes all I want to do i murder him. Sometimes him not being here makes me wanna kms. Sometimes being happy is like a manic episode or euphoria. Sometimes sadness feels like I'm going to jump. Anger is murder. Love is unreal and unsafe. The only love I know is abuse rape and manipulation. I dont know if me and him will make it.
I can't be with out him or I cut myself convinced he will leave. Him needing a break because we are literally almost 24/7 feels like a stab in the back. Like he is leaving and he broke up with me. Being with him feels like I'm drowning. I attached to him. His my favourite person and best friend but my enemy and least favourite at the same time. Im living off him but dying with him. I self sabotage I hurt him and test him push him to see if he will leave if he will hate me and I kmow he will soon. Im so disconnected and traumatised that i know he will leave because of it. Im dying with out him but I'm the one pushing him away.
I have identity issues that lead to spirals and episodes.
My relationships are intense and short relating to me splitting and breaking up with them or hurting/ pushing them away. I have rapid painful mood swings that are intense and affect other people aswell.
I make impulsive and frantic decisions to avoid abandonment.
This is only part of my story it would take to long to write the rest but here's the main story.
- me
Do y'all think i have bpd
Stories in the same category
Points of view
Wow, that's a lot to go through, and I'm really sorry you've had to deal with so much trauma from such a young age. It sounds like you've been caught in a cycle of toxic relationships, and it's understandable why you would have difficulty trusting people considering your past. It's so important to take care of yourself first and find ways to heal before you can truly be okay in any relationship. Therapy might help in working through those past experiences and letting go of the burden they carry with them. You deserve support and understanding!! ❤️
it honestly sounds like life's been throwing every possible curveball your way and you're just trying to play catch-up with all the chaos; can't even imagine having to deal with such layers of crap from people who should've been there for you, but sometimes it feels like the world's out to get you, right?
hey, i'm really sorry to hear about everything you've been through. it's beyond tough dealing with that kind of trauma and trying to navigate a diagnosis on top of it all. while i can't fully understand your experience, i've had my own share of difficult relationships and can relate to feeling trapped in cycles you desperately want to break out from 😞
it's concerning how much pressure you're putting on yourself in this relationship. being so attached can make things feel suffocating, yeah? maybe focusing more on self-care and processing your past could help create some space for healthier dynamics. honestly, pushing people away out of fear is something many struggle with, myself included.
remember that healing takes time and there isn't a straight path forward. sometimes taking small steps towards understanding what you truly need can lead to bigger changes down the line 🤔 please take care and consider reaching out for professional help if you haven’t already. it sounds like having someone impartial might be beneficial.
damn, it's really heartbreaking to read how much you've endured from such a young age, and it makes one wonder just how cruel the world can be; your resilience in the face of all this adversity is nothing short of remarkable!!
honestly, dealing with all that garbage from people who were supposed to have your back is beyond messed up; it's like you're trapped in this ongoing cycle of chaotic relationships and self-doubt, and it's exhausting 😤
Man, that's an intense story and I'm sorry you've had to endure so much pain; it's unbelievable how people can be so cruel, especially when they should've been your support system. But here's the thing: aren't you worried that you're falling into a pattern where trauma dictates every relationship? It sounds like you're caught in this cycle of chaos and intensity, which is totally understandable given everything you've been through, but maybe taking a step back could help break it. It's tough to know what's real when emotions are all over the place, but isn't it worth finding out if there's something more stable out there? 🤔
Wow, that's rough, and I'm sorry you've had to go through all that. It's kind of wild how many people have let you down over the years. But honestly, being so wrapped up in this relationship isn't doing you any favors; there's gotta be a balance between needing someone and losing yourself in them. Like, ever thought about diving into some hobbies or finding something that's just for you? Could help with those intense feelings you're dealing with. Remember, healing ain't linear and setbacks happen, but finding even small bits of happiness can make a difference 😉
Your story highlights an unimaginable journey through the labyrinth of trauma, and it's deeply moving to see your strength in sharing it here. It's staggering how many people failed you when they should have been protectors. Have you found any strategies or coping mechanisms that offer relief amidst the emotional turmoil?? One personal anecdote I can share is finding solace in creative outlets or physical activities: they might help channel some of that intense energy positively!!! The complexity of dealing with BPD and CPTSD while navigating relationships is a monumental challenge, but acknowledging these patterns as you're doing now is already a step toward healing. Remember, “Even the darkest night will end and the sun will rise.” Keep holding on to hope!!! ❤️
oh wow, i can't even imagine carrying that much pain and history around with you every day. it must feel like you're constantly walking on eggshells, trying to keep the balance between holding onto someone who makes you feel safe and the fear of losing them because of past traumas 😞. it's important to remember that you've made it through so much already, which is a testament to your strength. maybe exploring coping strategies could help create some emotional space in your relationships? sometimes just figuring out what those potential triggers are can help in managing how you react before things spiral out of control. healing isn't easy, but small steps forward count too!! reaching out like this shows you care about making changes, and that's pretty significant on its own 💪.
yo, that's a wild ride you've been on, and i'm really sorry for all the crap you've had to endure. it’s like life just kept throwing one blow after another, right? i can’t even imagine what it’s been like to live through all that, but it seems like you’re caught in this whirlwind of emotions and relationships that just never stop. maybe taking some time to focus on yourself could be a game-changer; sometimes stepping back helps us see things clearer. i've been in intense situations myself where everything felt overwhelming, and what helped me was finding little moments of peace where i could breathe and figure out what i actually needed instead of reacting to everything around me; hang in there, seriously. remember that you're not alone in this fight and keep believing there's hope for lighter days ahead 🌟
Honestly, reading through your story, it feels like your life has been a series of battles you've had to fight just to survive, and it's no wonder you're feeling overwhelmed; maybe one way forward is finding some stability within yourself before trying to find it in others, ever considered that?
man, it's seriously gut-wrenching how much hurt you've carried from such a young age; life can be cruel beyond words sometimes 😢 but with everything you've been through, it might be worth considering whether you're letting your trauma define you too much. i mean, ain't it possible that stepping back and working on understanding yourself better could change things up? my cousin went through something similar or at least he told me so once.. and he found having some space to breathe outside of intense relationships was a game-changer for him; maybe finding what truly gives *you* peace would help challenge those destructive patterns. just something to think about while hangin' in there...
wow, your story is really a testament to how long-lasting and deep the impact of early trauma can be. it's so hard when those first trusted people in your life fail you, leaving such a shaky foundation. i can't even imagine how overwhelming it must feel trying to navigate relationships with that kind of history clouding things. have you considered therapeutic groups or community resources? sometimes connecting with others who share similar experiences can help lessen the burden and offer new ways to cope. you're already taking important steps by sharing your journey like this, which is huge! hang in there and know that you're not alone in this struggle 🌟
Whoa, that's a heavy load you’re carrying; it’s honestly maddening how so many people have let you down when they should have had your back?!
yo, your story's mad intense and it's just wild how much you've gone through; gotta say though, ain't it time to put yourself first? i mean seriously, being wrapped up in toxic relationships is like adding fuel to a fire that's already burning too hot. don't get me wrong, i get that everything feels interconnected but at some point you gotta ask if these patterns are feeding into the trauma rather than helping you heal; maybe hit pause and figure out what truly makes *you* happy without all the noise. believe from someone who's been in a dark place before: finding even a shred of peace within can do wonders for your soul. hope amidst chaos isn't always easy but it's worth fighting for; 🌟
it's compltly understandable that you're feeling trapped by the weight of your experiences!!
I can't even begin to express how much your story resonates with the layers of emotional turmoil it reveals 😔. It’s like you're stuck between needing someone desperately and feeling suffocated by that very dependency... a real catch-22, honestly. From my own experience, sometimes exploring new environments or communities can offer a fresh perspective on relationships and personal space. Have you considered looking into support groups for BPD or CPTSD? They can be a tremendous help in learning ways to navigate intense emotions and establish boundaries without the guilt trip drama; remember, it's okay to prioritize yourself amidst trying times 🌈!