Hey im lwk here to trauma dump and explain how i feel as someone who is in the process of getting diagnosed with bpd and cptsd.

So I have a extensive past so this may be a long read.

This all started with my uncle and step dad. Mainly my stepdad. He abused me for years I was about 4 when it started and 10 when it stopped thanks to my mum Finaly divorcing him. I'm glad I didn't get beaten by him but he would smack me and shove me around till my ass was brussied and I couldn't sit or lay down from the pain for days or even weeks. I became suicidal at 6 after losing friends and getting abused so often for literally just breathing to loud. Anyway around 7 my uncle gave me bad trauma around alcohol and some drugs he was very high of some very bad drugs dont remember exactly what one's but they where bad. He came home screaming and shouting and hit me and my God mother in the drug fueled rage and police where called. About 6 months later I had to move house from my school and few friends left for the first time. That became a staple I went to 8 schools. The new school was worse I had this one girl beat me black and blue in year 1 or 2 and she was aloud to stay on the playground I wasn't. That fucked up my sense of if you hurt someone that just means your better then them. (Also from my past abuse trauma i assumed it was okay and I was just weak.) Eventually we moved again out of state for a year when I go heavily pushed into Christianity and got touched by a teacher at that school. I was also exposed to porn and sexual content about 2 years earlier and these events made me very hypersexual at just 7/8 years old. At 8 I moved back to the old state. This is where it gets bad i recommend if you are sensitive to rape sexual assault abuse people Getting away with that grooming and more to click away.

We moved to a well know school and moved in with my grandparents. My cousin who was 1 year younger shared a room with me is very important here and will be mentioned soon. At this school it was good other then bulling for a bit and this one boy hunter in year 4 so a year after I moved he would start to touch me grab my ass and tits and thighs which later lead to rape. He was very violent and as I was his best friend I go put alone with him I his rages as I could claim him down.( by letting him touching me) this is also when my cousin mentioned earlier also began raping me. Every night in my own home. The first time I refused he was very mad and the next day at school saw me walk past and tackled me pulling my hair out in chunks and biting me. He moved out around 4-8 months later i dont remember exactly. In year 5 around the time my cousin left I began being closer with this girl hallie. She was extremely. Manipulative abusive and would assault me from time to time. She was a very bad person and gave me most of my trauma even despite hunter my stepdad my uncle and my cousin. She would leave me and come back as I got independent. She tried killing me think I was deathly allergic to something I had a mild reaction to because we had a mutual friend i was talking to.

After that I went to high school where the boy I liked told his older sister and she hated me so proceeded to try sell me a battery acid vape to kill me. This was 4 months after hallie tried. She was friends with this other girl Caitlin who would bash me. 2 .months later I moved schools. I was doing good. Then I got in a relationship with this dude Jason. He was fucked. He would use trauma I had and put his arm around my neck any time I tried to move which he knew was a move hallie would pull. He isolated me and made me completely dependant on him then I split on him once again after he said he never liked me and I broke up with him. I instantly regretted it a begged for him back. He got back with me for 1 day. And proceeded to just give my jumper back and say this isn't gonna work infront of all my friends and my whole class. I ran out crying my friends comfortated me but this sent me into a obsession. For months I would make fake a counts to stalk him I'd beg and bag for him back if get my friends involved. The day he broke up with me my best friend threw Potato wedges or smt at him. Instead of moving on and keeping my best friend I let Jason manipulate me again. He said he would get back with me if I stopped being friends with that friend and hated them. I stopped being friends with them and got in a punch on with them before I realised what happened. I had no boyfriend and ruined my best friendship.i went into a spiral and began dating 16-19 year olds at 13. Getting raped and abused more. This year I became friends with that old friend again. I developed a crush on them and now we have been dating 5 months. Its hard. We both have bpd. We both split. He has did. Some of his alters(maybe most) dont think i have bpd. Fair. Im not like his bpd. I dont show my splits very much anymore. I used to get violent when I did. I dont anymore. I start hating him. It feels like I'm going to do that again. Im scared i will hurt him.

Sometimes all I want to do i murder him. Sometimes him not being here makes me wanna kms. Sometimes being happy is like a manic episode or euphoria. Sometimes sadness feels like I'm going to jump. Anger is murder. Love is unreal and unsafe. The only love I know is abuse rape and manipulation. I dont know if me and him will make it.

I can't be with out him or I cut myself convinced he will leave. Him needing a break because we are literally almost 24/7 feels like a stab in the back. Like he is leaving and he broke up with me. Being with him feels like I'm drowning. I attached to him. His my favourite person and best friend but my enemy and least favourite at the same time. Im living off him but dying with him. I self sabotage I hurt him and test him push him to see if he will leave if he will hate me and I kmow he will soon. Im so disconnected and traumatised that i know he will leave because of it. Im dying with out him but I'm the one pushing him away.

I have identity issues that lead to spirals and episodes.

My relationships are intense and short relating to me splitting and breaking up with them or hurting/ pushing them away. I have rapid painful mood swings that are intense and affect other people aswell.

I make impulsive and frantic decisions to avoid abandonment.

This is only part of my story it would take to long to write the rest but here's the main story.

- me

Do y'all think i have bpd

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