Draining unbalanced relationship
The story
I feel like I’ve fallen into another gaslighting-type relationship. My husband was so kind, sweet, thoughtful, and romantic when we were dating. Whdn i was sick, he'd bring my get well kits and help around my home. We were both upfront about who we were at the time and who we thought we’d continue to be, and I’ve definitely upheld my end of that—but I feel like he hasn’t since we got married
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Due to circumstances outside of me being pregnant at the time, we got married pretty quickly, and I happily gave up my saftey, dreams, and career to follow his dreams and career. I love/adore my husband, do everything i can to make his life easy and comfortable, even keeping track of pretty much everything since he is forgetful.
Over this past year, I’ve been feeling more and more drained in our relationship. I’m carrying most of the weight at home while he does very little, aside from playing with our children. If I want him to do anything beyond just existing, I have to ask. This wasn’t what was presented to me when we started our relationship.
Honestly, if he were working his butt off every day and rarely home, I’d understand more. But most days he’s home all day on his phone, does a couple of work-related things at late night that he easily could have done earlier, the complains about being tired the next day. He’ll leave trash or dishes around, mess up things I already tidied, and sometimes get snippy with me when I bring up legitimate concerns—like updating our address through his employer so I can submit insurance claims and get our money back.
I’m feeling less and less loved and supported, and more and more like a “mommy bang maid” again like I was in my last long term relationship. The only difference is that my husband married me and doesn’t scream or break things like my ex did.
I’ve spoken to him, but all he says is that things will get better when he’s not as tired and he's further along in his career. Of and that the stay-at-home parent does EVERYTHING at home while the working parent relaxes when they get home. It’s frustrating because his parents had a similar dynamic when he was a kid, and they’re both very adamant that the work parent his more than capable of help and that he needs to be helpful—but he’s still a complete slob and do anything period unless I ask multiple times. On the flip side, when he asks me for something, I jump up immediately.
On top of that, I’ve noticed our sex feels very one-sided, focused on his needs. The last time we had sex, and I'm not kidding, it lasted maybe two minutes before he was happily fast asleep leaving me with a mess to clean up.
Our house is nearly spotless all the time, I make good home-cooked meals, and I never turn him down. I stay put together and hygienic, and despite all this im treated like Dobby. I keep asking myself: "Why am I not enough to be loved the way I love my partner? What’s wrong with me?"
What's wrong with me?
Stories in the same category
Points of view
Wow, I totally get where you're coming from. It sounds like you've been giving it your all and not getting much in return!! That's a tough spot to be in! Relationships should be more of a partnership, you know? I've seen similar situations with friends who've been in relationships where they feel more like a caretaker!! It makes sense you'd feel drained and unappreciated after putting so much effort into things that go unnoticed. Maybe it’s time for an honest talk, laying out how his actions make you feel...like seriously?! You deserve to be heard. Either way, don't let anyone make you think you're not enough; you're doing an amazing job holding things together!
Thank you.
Honestly, it sounds like you’re doing the most while he’s coasting and that’s not cool; maybe it’s time to shake things up a bit and start prioritizing your own needs, too; being in a relationship shouldn't feel like a solo effort.
Thank you.
oh man, i'm sorry you're going through this. it sounds like you're doing so much to keep things running smoothly and it's really tough when the effort doesn't feel reciprocated 😔 i get that relationships can be challenging, but it seems like there's a real imbalance in how you both contribute at home. from what you've said, it kinda feels like there's a disconnect between expectations and reality.
maybe it's time for a serious sit-down conversation about responsibilities? some couples find success by writing out what's expected of each person or setting schedules: like an adult version of chore charts 😉. also, the stuff about intimacy is super important too; both partners need to feel fulfilled!
i was once in something similar where communication broke down; we ended up deciding that regular check-ins were needed to make sure neither felt neglected; maybe consider couple's therapy if direct communication doesn't work? remember: asking for help or change isn't unreasonable when it's about your well-being 💪🏻
it's clear that you’ve been incredibly dedicated and strong in your relationship, but it sounds like you’re shouldering an unfair burden and that's something that needs addressing; the fact that you're questioning yourself shows how much you care and want things to work out, but please know there's nothing wrong with you! relationships are a two-way street and both partners should be equally invested...
Damn, it sounds like you're stuck in a loop where you're pulling the weight of two people and not getting the support you need; what's the point of being in a partnership if it feels so one-sided, right? It's frustrating when someone says they'll change but just continues with the same lazy routine. Have you considered setting some boundaries or taking a break to reassess things? You deserve better than playing second fiddle to his phone all day.
it sounds like you're trapped in a cycle that’s totally draining and unfair; "all work and no play makes jack a dull boy" kinda vibe, ya know?
sounds like you're juggling way more than your fair share, honestly. it’s pretty frustrating when expectations set in the beginning of a relationship just fade away and you end up feeling stuck with all the responsibilities. i had a friend who went through something similar (not as extreme...) but she found that setting small boundaries helped reclaim some personal space and energy. maybe start carving out time for yourself?? just an hour or two where it's all about you, doing whatever makes you feel relaxed or happy. and hey, sometimes trying to see things from his perspective could help too, even if he doesn’t make it easy, cause there might be stuff he's not expressing openly that's affecting him too. but seriously, don’t forget that mutual effort is key in any healthy relationship... hope things get better for you soon!
considering your predicament, it seems like you’re stuck in a cycle similar to what's described as an "emotional labor imbalance," where one partner bears the brunt of organizing and managing everything while the other remains blissfully unaware 😊; this reference comes from Arlie Hochschild who articulated the disproportionate emotional and physical work often shouldered by women in relationships.
sounds like you got yourself a man-child, sorry to say. the bit about "the stay-at-home parent does EVERYTHING" is such an outdated excuse. dude's just being lazy and taking your efforts for granted 🤦♂️ relationships are supposed to be partnerships where both people contribute and support each other, not one person doing all while the other's just living it up on their phone or whatever. maybe it's time to set some clear boundaries and responsibilities so he knows it's not ok to treat you like that. don't let him think this behavior is normal because it clearly ain't!
It’s utterly disheartening to see that you’re left bearing the brunt of everything, especially when you've already sacrificed so much for his ambitions. Your contributions are immense and deserve acknowledgment; it's troubling when one's partner fails to reciprocate or even recognize such efforts. It's bewildering how he seems complacent in a dynamic where you're essentially both partner and caretaker. The imbalance is glaring and feels more like an issue of respect rather than mere forgetfulness on his part; perhaps setting clear boundaries could illuminate how this affects you on a deeper level, prompting him to reconsider his actions; it might be worth exploring whether counseling could facilitate some needed change too. You deserve a balanced partnership, not this draining arrangement.
man, it totally sucks that you're feeling like your effort isn't being appreciated..... it's rough when you feel like you're doing everything and he's just chilling;; maybe try mixing it up a bit and see if he notices the shift? who knows, it might be a wake-up call for him; remember, it's totally okay to put yourself first sometimes! you've got this 🙌
From what you're saying, it feels like there's been a shift in the dynamic since you got hitched; kind of reminds me of a friend who had a similar experience. It’s wild how relationships can evolve or sometimes devolve after marriage: like some people assume they can coast once they’ve tied the knot. I’d suggest maybe taking an introspective look at what makes you feel fulfilled and happy (besides just your family duties), and maybe even doing some things for yourself without feeling guilty about it; everyone deserves their own slice of happiness, separate from their partner. Hang in there, and remember that communication might be key to getting things back on track!
in my opinion, it seems like you're stuck in a "Groundhog Day" scenario where every day feels the same without any progress!
Hey there, sounds like you're really carrying the weight in this relationship, and honestly, that's not how it should be; "it takes two to tango," right? It seems like you might be at a point where having an honest heart-to-heart with him about your feelings could help; maybe even framing it as a partnership problem where both of you deserve equal happiness can open his eyes. And hey, you've clearly got the skills to keep things running smoothly on your own—maybe exploring some personal passions or interests could give you a bit of a confidence boost and remind you of your worth outside this dynamic 👊. Remember that you're enough just as you are, and taking steps towards balance is crucial for both parties' benefit.
sounds like you're stuck in a relationship pattern where you're giving way more than you're getting, and honestly, that's not how it's supposed to be. it's not fair that he expects you to carry all the domestic responsibilities while he's chilling on his phone most of the day. maybe he doesn't realize the toll it's taking on you or he's just too comfortable with the current setup. have you thought about flat-out refusing to do everything so he sees what happens when things don't magically get done? it might push him to step up and recognize your value. you deserve someone who meets you halfway and respects your effort, not just another child to look after. 🤷♂️
I wanted to thank everyone for their POVs on our situation. Over the last few days I've been in deep thought, taking what you all have said into consideration. I've decided to take the gentle slow burn approach to our situation and asked my husband to do a couples building activity with me once a week on a nightly walk. We discussed 3 things each that the other spouse did that made us feel loved then 2 things that needs work, giving constructive criticism. It was refreshing discussing these things with him, hearing his appreciation and constructive criticism and he expressed the same.
One step at a time. Thank you again everyone, for helping me out of the rut i was in. If this approach works, I'll pop back in in a few weeks with an update.
ugh, what a bummer!!! sounds like you're running on empty while he's just getting by. it's super frustrating when someone who was once so considerate turns into a couch potato post-marriage. ain't nothing wrong with wanting effort and love back in return; maybe he needs a reality check that relationships need work from both sides, not just a comfy spot to nap on! try shaking things up—maybe some couples therapy or laying it all out in black and white during an open convo could help break through the BS? nobody deserves to feel like they're playing "house" alone while their partner's off in dreamland...
We are supposedly trying a couple's activity to kind of help us bond a little bit better. However, we've only done it once and he hasn't made the time to do it for a second time.
Honestly, reading this just makes me think... why put up with it??? It's like you're doing all the heavy lifting while he's living in his own little world! The whole thing about a relationship is that it's supposed to be a team effort, not just you busting your butt while he chills out. Also, what's up with him saying things will get better when he's further along in his career? Like, seriously—how long does that even take??? You deserve someone who actually recognizes and respects the hard work you put into making everything run smoothly. Have you thought about having a serious heart-to-heart and laying it all out on the table?
I've had a couple heart to hearts with him, and he does seem understanding, however, at the end of it, he does always put out the waiting game request( an ongoing request since early last year) and also puts into perspective that he is the working parent while im thehouse wfie. I honestly I don't know what to say to that because frankly, i'm not too knowledgeable of this dynamic, as i've always been a career person.
Look, I get where you're coming from and it sounds like you're carrying the whole load while he's just lounging around. Honestly, it's mind-blowing that he acts like a freeloading roommate instead of an equal partner in this marriage???? 🙄 Relationships are about teamwork, but it seems like you're playing a solo game right now. Maybe ask yourself if this is something you can keep handling or if you need to lay down some non-negotiables; do what makes you genuinely happy and don't let this guy drain all your energy!
Damn, I feel for you in this situation... it’s like you married one person but ended up with another! 😤 Sometimes people show their true colors only when they get too comfortable. It's frustrating to be in something where your needs aren't being prioritized at all. Do ya think maybe addressing these expectations blatantly might help? Like a straight-up conversation laying down what you need from him? Sometimes putting stuff on blast can slap some sense into someone who’s been coasting. Why do people assume love means letting one partner carry all the weight?! It should be equal dedication... both sides have to pick up slack and support each other, or else what's the point right??
In his opinion, if I wait-a-bit longer, his career will be a high yield pay job, which he's not wrong. However, i'm not in it for the money I made my own money before he came along, and I was content with that.
it sounds like you're in a tough spot, but it's important to remember that relationships require both partners to actively contribute and not just one person carrying the load; you might find it helpful to re-evaluate the balance of responsibilities and see how you both can effectively support each other's goals and well-being as individuals.
wow, it sounds like you're really pouring your heart and soul into this relationship, but it's feeling a bit one-sided at the moment. i think it's super important to remember that you deserve as much support and love as you give out; relationships thrive on mutual effort and respect. maybe you could consider finding little pockets of time for yourself, whether that's a hobby or just some solo relaxation: sometimes taking care of ourselves first can help us recharge emotionally. have you ever thought about setting boundaries around tasks at home? it might encourage him to see how much you truly do when things aren't being taken care of automatically. hang in there...you're doing an amazing job juggling everything! 😊
I've tried, but he's a very much "ill do it tomorrow" or "next time" kind of guy. And I keep promised to take me out for dinner "tomorrow" And that was tomorrow every day for the last week.