Engagement and long term relationship ended
The story
Hey everyone, it's my first time here (or any of these kinds of app/website for that matter, so sorry if I'm breaking any formatting or rules) and I just want to share my story anonymously with strangers as I don't want to share anything with any of my friend group as I don't want them to think bad of my ex-fiancée.
I'm in my early 30s and my ex-fiancée a couple years younger, and we met about 6 years ago. It was on a night out in the city that a mutual acquaintance introduced us. We instantly clicked and started dating a few weeks after. Since a majority of our values and goals in life aligned with one another's back then, we were so happy and though we finally found each other's "the one".
Of course a relationship isn't all ups, occasionally we would have a fight regarding what is expected of the other party since we are both working professionals and felt like we were not prioritizing our partnership enough. They are nothing we can't resolve though, we always talked it out coming up with a compromise. Although now it feels like this was a mistake since compromises aren't enough and we are not getting our needs and wants fulfilled with it. Regardless of this, am I wrong in assuming that with these setbacks, with love we were still supposed to choose each other right?
Over the years we have built plans for the future and have actively been working on them, getting engaged just early this year. We were also just about to purchase a house, but yeah my company suddenly had a round of mass layoffs and I was impacted. It's pretty hard to get a job at this time of the year in tech, with the sparse amount of openings and fierce competition. I felt like this was one of the lowest periods of my life so I sort of withdrew from everything. I even shut off my ex-fiancée as I didn't want to bother her with personal issues that she couldn't do anything about.
I guess this was her tipping point, I didn't see that her wanting to go to places which are expensive for my taste or even go on a full week vacation was her way to bid for connection, get me on my feet, telling me that it's okay to delay our plans for a bit, and fulfill her needs in one goal. I saw it as she just being financially irresponsible and unintentionally setting back our years of hard work, so I always flat out rejected her invites, intending to only use our savings for necessities and not for leisure just so we would still have enough when going to buy properties again.
She cheated on me with someone she met on the vacation she went to alone. I was devastated, it made me realize how much I was lacking. How much I didn't fulfill what she actually wants. I knew this because she was the one who confessed it to me as she cannot handle her guilt/conscience. I immediately forgave her but yeah we both can't see being with each other anymore because of this.
It feels weird that I'm not feeling any anger, just sadness. Just emptiness. We officially broke up, and now I don't know what to do anymore moving forward since I dedicated a large portion of my recent years working towards a future that never will be. I might heal, but I feel that I can never love or trust anyone again. I hate this.
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Points of view
It sounds like you're going through a really tough time right now, and I'm truly sorry to hear about all the challenges you’re facing 😞. Losing your job and dealing with the breakdown of your relationship all at once is a lot for anyone to handle. It's understandable to feel the way you do, but perhaps viewing this as an opportunity for personal growth could offer a new perspective; you’ve recognized where things might have gone astray and that self-reflection is invaluable.
While it's easy to perceive the situation as a series of setbacks, maybe consider that every challenge can also be an opportunity to recalibrate and rediscover your own values and desires. It's natural to feel that healing and learning to trust again is a long journey, but keep in mind that time can be a great ally in helping you process everything.
Try not to be too harsh on yourself for reacting as you did when you were laid off. In the industry, we often talk about resilience during downturns and recalibration strategies in uncertain times. Being resilient doesn't mean you won't face hardship; it just means you have the capacity to bounce back stronger.
I get that it might feel like you’ve lost significant years of your life dedicated to a future that’s no longer possible, but remember that every experience contributes to who we are and what we can become. Take your time to heal, and when you're ready, the potential to learn, grow, and form new, fulfilling connections will still be there 🤗
hey, I get what you’re saying, but I think maybe there’s more to consider 🤔. it's understandable to feel down after what happened, but life priorities change, and sometimes people grow apart. work is important, sure, but relationships often need more than just financial security.
not saying what she did was okay, cheating isn’t great at all. still, if she felt disconnected, maybe there were signs that were easy to miss in the stress of job issues. you guys had to communicate those feelings better. it’s tough, but these situations can help us learn what’s really crucial in relationships.
maybe try considering that it wasn’t just about you not doing enough, but also about both not meeting halfway emotionally. being cautious about money is wise, especially in tech where job security can be shaky, but sometimes relationships need emotional investments too. take your time to reflect without beating yourself up too much. it's a rough patch but people do move on stronger. good luck on your journey ahead.
it's understandable that you're feeling overwhelmed, but isn’t it a bit too harsh to shoulder all the blame? 🤔 it seems you both had different approaches to dealing with life's pressures, which is totally normal. relationships require collaboration and a shared understanding; maybe both of you didn't fully grasp each other's needs. and about the financial decisions? your perspective was logical, especially given the precarious nature of the tech industry, but relationships often need investment beyond financial prudence.
sure, she could have communicated better, but could you have been more open to exploring her attempts to connect? those invitations she offered might have been her way of reaching out, suggesting a simple recalibration of your plans for a short while. by shutting her out, maybe that created a distance?
this isn't solely on you, though!!! it takes two to tango, and it seems like there was a gap in communication that neither addressed. while it's a tough lesson, it can help inform your future relationships with clearer expectations and expressions of vulnerability on both sides; healing takes time, and it’s possible to come out of this stronger and more attuned to your emotional and relational needs!
honestly, it sounds like you might be focusing a bit too much on what went wrong rather than what's next 🤔. it's tough, but losing your job and going through a breakup isn't the end of the world. maybe it's a fresh start. i get that you wanted to be cautious and save money, especially with the way the tech industry is looking these days, but there’s more to life than just being financially prepared. relationships thrive on emotional availability, not just on a solid financial plan.
it seems you might’ve missed out on some important signals from your partner by opting to shut her out. that’s not going to help in building a strong relationship. being open and letting each other in during hard times can create a stronger bond. she definitely shouldn't have cheated, but it's also kind of clear your communication wasn't hitting the mark.
it's a harsh lesson, but one that's going to help you grow. take this experience, learn from it, and move forward with a stronger mindset. you'll find someone who's better aligned with your values and with whom you can build a future grounded in trust and mutual support 😊. don't sweat it too much—life is full of ups and downs, but you got this.