Her strange way of seeing things, deduced

I felt that this person had absolutely no shame, none whatsoever. She truly didn't care what others said about her, not in any way. She didn't feel it; she embraced the pain, the sorrow if necessary, something that I, personally, find deeply pleasing because I live to escape it. This person, to me, is a beautiful being because she has the ability to be immersed in things that I don't, I don't earn a deep understanding of them. I wish I had no shame at all, to assert myself, to withdraw, thinking only of myself and not even thinking about what I do behind the scenes, to be able to say something to others. This person, on the other hand, is hidden, but I'm not, and that's what's beautiful about her. However, I also observe too many limitations. This person lives for the present, completely present, hoping that something will happen in the future that she expects others to do, leaving everything in the hands of others. The more someone tries to control their life, at the expense of others, isolating themselves, the more they are shaped by their actions, without any awareness of them. It's as if they don't care how their life impacts the world. This is something I do care about; it interests me completely. I care about how everything impacts my life and how I act accordingly, not just seeking what's necessary to survive, because I care about the whole picture, I care about my complete self. Seen this way, I don't find this person attractive at all. They may be restrictive, but their life is one of false freedom because it's not earned. It's a drift, unaware of it, ignoring it, and therefore acting in ways that benefit it. Meanwhile, I, like everyone else, am adrift, but I formulate actions to gradually steer myself in the direction I want, and I ensure that this is my path, that my path is my own drift. I don't know what's wrong with this person; it seems they have absolutely no limits. They're capable of staying like this until the very end, just like that. It's as if it reinforces their way of being, their spirit in front of others, and it's that of living isolated in the clouds, somehow pleasing their original group, so that they don't go anywhere, yes, at the cost of their suffering, at the cost of being rejected by the outside world, just as, I think, their original group wants. In some way, this person must be proud of who she is, but something throws me off, and it's precisely the way things unfolded. I fought for her until the very end, even going against authority, which I believe is what she sees as a true friend—someone who genuinely cares for her, someone who, of course, doesn't dare to be herself. This is precisely because she's incapable of defying authority, of disobeying an order, no matter what it was. I did what I did, and I consider it honorable, which is why she sees me as different from others—someone who is truly there, who isn't bad, but quite the opposite, genuinely good, who doesn't come with lies of any kind. This person's perspective must be quite strange. Naturally, she's incapable of taking responsibility for what she's done, because that would imply an obvious preference for someone else, and that's something she can't do, because in her mind it would mean she doesn't care about others, and therefore she might miss out on opportunities. This is something she keeps to herself. The more she withdraws into her own world, the more elusive she becomes. I think it's crucial to conduct these assessments to know who I'm going to encounter later on and not be swayed by mere appearances. She's a strange person, and indeed, she must love me, she must feel that she loves me, precisely because there's someone who truly loves her, and not just anyone is willing to take the same risks, not even herself, for someone else, at least not usually. I feel she loves me, but at the same time, she's waiting for the right moment to express it, for us to ultimately be more than friends. For her, a friend, as we've discussed, is someone who exists outside the relationship, someone who doesn't commit to her, someone who isn't capable of taking risks. They only share common feelings, but neither takes the risk of going further, which is what happened in this case. We both exposed ourselves, and indeed, she had to take care of me, make sure I was okay, to keep me there. In my opinion, she has a completely twisted mindset: for her, taking care of me is maintaining my status, because she knows that this is the only way she can go to him and have the same benefit as always, of someone who loves her. And for that, she takes risks, she falls apart in front of others, in order to preserve that affection, to keep it a secret, and to speak about our relationship at her discretion. She already considers me hers, precisely because I am who I am because of her, and vice versa.

I feel like I belong to her, as if I couldn't belong to anyone else, because she perceives me as someone outside her own world, because she understands that not everyone is capable of doing for her what I've done, not at all. Most likely, everything she does will take a turn, all in accordance with the fact that everything fits together in the moment, because that's what her world is based on: fitting things together to navigate it.

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