meant to be strong lovers, forced to be close friends

In 6th grade I met this boy (J) he was shy but sweet, we were friends for a while that year but eventually in social studies I realized I liked him, alot. I told one of my (use to be) guy Friends in the form of a note they told J and he said he like me too so that's where it started. Today I still rember our first hug, first time holding hands, ect. we broke up a few times but we were children and did not know how relationships worked yet. we got back together in 7th grade and took it more serious and everyone loved us at the end of the year saying "Yall are the cutest couple" "I hope y'all last" "best couple of 7th grade" and I still agree with those still, we dated and of 7th grade (last year) over the summer and the start of 8th grade too! in till the week of Halloween in October. it was Monday, me and J had planed on going to the upcoming middelschool dance together but that morning before homeroom he told me he couldn't go because his dad said no due to low grades at not handed in work(NHIS) I'll be honest I wasn't alive that morning so my brain with not even alive but I was sad but said "okay" my goofy ADHD self remberd a time back I 6th grade befor J when I dated a guy (H) and we were supposed to go to that middle school dance but I wasn't feeling good that day due to hightend anxiety (I was diagnosed later on that yr) so me thinking back to 8th grade I was like hey what if I go with h to the dance?! (meant to mean that AS FRIENDS but I didn't get that out there.. terrible idea ik T^T) so in orchestra I have with H I said hey would u want to relive that dance we were supposed to go to in 6th grade (AS FRIENDS) he took that as cheating on J and asking him (H) out. well I heard later it got out to J that I "asked out" H and yeah now I know it seems like that. And befor I get yelled at I LOVEED J AND ONLY HIM I NEVER EVER THOUGHT OF H LIKE THAT (he was like a brother to meX_X) and in 4th peroid class changed I gave J our usual hug but he seemed hurt and upset. I had a gut feeling (TIME SKIP) later my friend messaged me telling that people said I'm cheating on J, at that moment ik I fliped up so instead of J finding out from rumors I messaged him telling him everything hoping to save our (8 almost 9 month relationship) I said if you want to say "goodbye" I understand completely and I am so sorry I did this to you (TIME SKIP) so we broke up he said its better to say goodbye so that happend and we both mentally felt like crap, and both our hearts were crushed.

that was in 2024 not its 2025 and about to be may aka the last month of school. j had a GF but she only saw him as a friend so that lasted a week and I've tried to move on and I just haven't felt the love thing people are supposed to do/have the only love I've ever felt for someone was with J and its still like that. now I don't like him like that anymore I just see him as a close friend and I know it wont be nothing more as I messed up. but you know after you felt/had something like that for so long or felt that way its like apart of you still holds on to them and their memories of you and them together. its like an invisible rope that keeps y'all connected. at a distance but United together and invisible. I just wonder if he or us could ever be a thing again, even if not the same but at least I still feel the hope. sometimes I wonder if its worth the try or risk. would I ruined it again, mess up our friendship which could be all we have left or try and we learn from our mistakes and heck can start our lives together because highschool is next year. or maybe I just seriously gotta let it go. what do y'all think? (also sorry its ALOT)

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