Am I actually in the wrong?
The story
Not sure if this is the right category but I desperately need to vent and get feedback on this. I have been separated from my husband for over a year and a half. We have a three year old son who spends weekdays with me and weekends with his father. I am a full time online college student and stay at home mom, so I get the majority of my homework done when my son is at his dad’s.
Every weekend, my ex will send me photos and videos of our son. Sometimes he’ll send a short message too, but usually just the photos/videos. If I don’t respond to him right away or in a timely manner, he will send me a passive aggressive message like “guess I’m back to being ignored.” Now, I am always busy when he sends these messages. Doing homework, catching up on housework, or even taking a shower. I try to make sure that I at least react to some of the photos to let him know I saw them and enjoyed them. But he still accuses me of ignoring him. And it’s always passive aggressive.
My reason for needing to vent today is the conversation that just happened. For context, I had an issue with my school’s bookstore this semester and only just got the textbook I needed for one of my classes. My instructor is amazing and extended the due dates of assignments for me, so I have 3 weeks of assignments to catch up on, plus work for another class. So I am very busy and need to concentrate. When I dropped my son off at his father’s yesterday, I told him that I had a lot of work to catch up on. This morning, my ex sent me pictures and videos of our son at the park. I took a moment’s break from my schoolwork to view them, sent a heart reaction to a couple, then put my phone down and continued working. 15 minutes later, I got a message saying “back to ignored again?” I took a deep breath to calm myself down, then took a picture of my open textbooks and sent it to him with the message: Thank you for sending videos but please stop assuming I’m ignoring you. I told you yesterday that I have 3 weeks worth of work to catch up on.
This is how the rest of the conversation went:
Ex: Sorry it's just I'm very alone and wanted to share some cool moments of T with someone. Good luck with your school work
Me: I understand that, but I am also tired of constantly being attacked and accused. It creates a lot of stress for me and distracts me from the things I need to do. In the future, please just assume I’m busy. I try to make sure that I react to the photos you send me to let you know I saw them and enjoyed them, and that’s usually all I’m able to do in that moment.
Ex: Always about you, sorry I tried to talk to you.
Me: I am trying to set a boundary. I am trying to communicate with you, to tell you how your words, your accusations of me ignoring you, are affecting me.
Have a good weekend, Simon. Give my love to T, please.
Ex: Look, I'm sorry I tried to talk to you. I was just feeling alone and wanted to to share some cool moments with our son with someone. You have no empathy for anyone other than yourself. I don't know why I keep forgetting that. I'm stupid I suppose.
Me: Maybe instead of accusing me of ignoring you, you could say something like “doesn’t he look like he’s having fun?”
If you want to talk to someone, you shouldn’t accuse them of something first, unless you are looking to start a fight.
Ex: I'm never looking to start a fight. You should know that about me. I didn't say anything because if I say words to you, you'll ignore them and I'll feel shit about myself, like I'm not even worth the 5 seconds it takes to reply.
Me: Ok.
He hasn’t said anything else since, but it is eating me up inside and I have no one else to talk to right now. Am I wrong?? Should I have dropped everything to respond to the photos besides liking them? I already have to watch what I say to him, because using words like “we” upsets him because he immediately assumes I’m seeing someone else. I’m not and am usually referring to my mom, whom I am living with.
I’m just so hurt and angry and confused right now.
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Points of view
hey, i get that you're in a tough spot, but honestly, maybe you're overreacting a bit here... your ex is just trying to share some moments with his kid, and yes, the passive-aggressive stuff is annoying, but maybe he just feels like he's missing out and needs to connect; i mean, everyone wants a little acknowledgment, right? 🤷♂️ when my bro sends me stuff, sometimes i just shoot him a "nice" or "cool" even if i'm busy just to keep the peace, ya know? it's not always about you. sure, it's a pain, but it ain't the end of the world if you take a second longer to respond. might keep things smoother in the long run. maybe breathe, prioritize, and don't sweat the small stuff too much?
Except that he also gets upset if I only send short messages. If I were to have responded to the photos with “fun!” Or “looks like he’s having fun!”, my ex would get upset as well 🤦🏻♀️ I can never keep the peace, because the only thing he wants is for me to go back to him and let him control me again.
Your ex's behavior is unacceptable you are busy and cannot be expected to respond instantly he exhibits passive-aggressive tendencies that are not conducive to healthy communication; he should respect your boundaries 🛑 his emotional neediness is his issue not yours you have made your stance clear prioritize your obligations maintain your composure he must adapt to this dynamic
it sounds like you're navigating a challenging situation, and it's understandable to be frustrated. however, I cannot help but feel that there might be an opportunity for improved communication. "communication is the key to a successful co-parenting relationship." when I faced a similar situation, I realized that empathy and patience were crucial. perhaps acknowledging his feelings, even briefly, could foster a more amicable environment. 🤝 while you're understandably busy, consider a quick message to reassure him that you appreciate the updates. it might go a long way in mitigating his loneliness and creating a more constructive dialogue. remember, co-parenting is a journey, and small gestures can make a significant impact over time. 🌟