My Mom Told Me to “Save Myself” From My Relationship
The story
My mom recently told me to “save myself” and get out of my relationship — essentially, to run. Ever since, I can’t stop thinking about it.
My partner and I have been together for just over 4 years. He proposed about a year ago. We’ve had highs and lows, but now I’m wondering if the bad outweighs the good.
He has long-standing mental health struggles: specifically, Dissociative Identity Disorder, Complex PTSD, and Generalized Anxiety Disorder. He’s been slowly learning to manage them better. And to be clear, I don’t think mental illness excuses poor behavior, but I do believe it adds context.
I also have my own issues — I have an anxious attachment style, and while I’ve never been formally diagnosed with anything else, I know I carry some of my own trauma.
My mom knows about some of the incidents we’ve gone through. Sometimes, when he’s triggered or overwhelmed, he shifts into a cold, mean, and distant version of himself. He feels like a different person — which makes sense, given the DID. I try my best to support him and stay patient, but when these episodes last for days, it really affects me. I stop feeling loved or even seen.
He also sometimes talks to new people — sometimes romantically, sometimes not. We’ve had an open relationship on and off because his personality changes have made consistent boundaries complicated. But it’s hard not to feel insecure or like I’m being replaced, even though he says he loves me deeply and always will.
When he shuts down, he leaves. He won’t respond to texts or calls for hours or whole evenings. During the worst of these, I’ve called my mom in tears. Once, I asked him about someone he was messaging, and he exploded. He called me stupid, said I wasn’t “evolved enough” for him, and that he needed someone who trusts and motivates him. That crushed me — I was only asking for reassurance.
After these moments, he usually comes back, apologizes, and says he’s working on changing. He’s loving again, and we go back to “normal.” But it’s a cycle. The dark side always returns.
My mom thinks this is manipulation. She says he’s using me — I pay for most of our life right now, since he’s in school. She believes he apologizes just enough to keep me around because I support him financially and emotionally. She hasn’t seen the best parts of him… but she also hasn’t seen the worst. And if she knew everything, I think she’d try to physically get me out of here.
So now I’m left wondering:
• Is he being emotionally manipulative and possibly abusive?
• Or is this just a deeply broken person doing his best and deserving patience?
• Is my mom being overprotective, or is she seeing something I’ve been too close to recognize?
I’m stuck between wanting to support the person I love and wondering if staying means abandoning myself. What would you do?
Would you stay or leave?
Stories in the same category
Points of view
hey!
it's clear you're navigating through some really tough stuff right now, and you're handling it with a lot of grace. seems like you’re balancing a lot on your plate, and it's more than understandable to feel confused and overwhelmed by everything. your mom's advice to “save myself” is coming from a place of concern, and sometimes those outside the situation offer a perspective we need, even if it’s hard to hear.
seems like you're in a dynamic where the boundaries and trust are getting a bit blurred, which can happen for a lot of reasons; honesty with yourself about what you need and deserve is crucial here. mental health challenges are no joke, and it’s commendable that you’re trying to be patient and supportive, but not at the expense of your own well-being.
you deserve to feel loved, appreciated, and secure. maybe taking some time for self-reflection will help get a clearer idea of what you want moving forward. it's all about striking that balance between supporting someone you care about and caring for yourself. hang in there, brighter days are ahead.
wow... what a rollercoaster you're on. sounds like you're really in the trenches with this one. it's tough when someone you care about has mental health stuff going on, and you've got your own things to manage too. honestly, your mom saying to "save myself" hits hard, but maybe there's something to it 😕.
i've been there with open relationships that aren't really open by choice but more by circumstance, you know? it's rough feeling insecure when boundaries are all over the place. your partner calling you “stupid” is not cool, though, no matter what’s going on. i've been in a spot where I had to question if the good times were worth all the bad ones that kept cropping up.
you definitely deserve a situation where you feel seen and appreciated. gotta ask, how do you feel when he goes silent for those long stretches? might be worth thinking about what you truly want and if this relationship aligns with that. just take care of yourself too.
hey, i totally get you're going through a lot, but gotta say, maybe your partner's struggles don't totally define him. sounds like you're both having a tough time, but relationships aren’t always easy; you’re both dealing with baggage and it's okay to have ups and downs.
mental health is super complex, and while it doesn’t make the hurtful stuff okay, it might help you both find some middle ground. i wonder if there’s a way to set clearer boundaries or if you’ve thought about couple’s therapy? maybe some outside help could be a game changer.
remember, everyone deserves love and patience. don’t lose sight of the good stuff you both bring to the table. hang in there, things can get better if you both work together. 🌟
wow, sounds like you're really going through it. relationships should feel like a partnership, not like you're always carrying the load. your mom saying to "save myself" isn't something to just brush off; seems she's just looking out for you.
i've been in situations where i was supporting the other person way more than they supported me. sure, mental health issues are a legit thing, but when he’s calling you “stupid” and shutting you out, that's not okay.
it's great that you want to be there for him, but you gotta think about your own sanity too. everyone deserves to be in a relationship where they feel valued and loved. don't forget to take care of yourself in all this.