My selfishness
The story
For background information Me and my boyfriend have been together for 8 months, he’s the sweetest ,most caring,loving man. He never yells and is the first one to say sorry. He’s everything I’ve needed but he messed up in the first weeks we were together. ( something to do with a female best friend ) but he stopped being friends with her before we were “official.” It’s me self sabotaging, wanting to hold onto anything bad he’s ever done. Why can’t I let things go? I love him and this is the first man I knew would be the best husband. I don’t deserve his love. He doesn’t deserve to be treated the way I treat him. I’m always switching emotions or being cold towards him if I’m slightly annoyed. I know people say to change for him but it’s not that easy. I’ve been this way in every relationship. This is the LEAST toxic relationship I’ve ever been in. Now the problem is just me. I don’t even know where to start. I feel I’m too damaged to be with him. Every time I try to leave he begs me to stay. He doesn’t deserve that. I want to be enough for him but atp I don’t think I even deserve it. Sometimes I wish he would just see how terrible of a person I am and leave. I hate hurting him. I hate knowing it’s me who’s the reason for the sadness behind his eyes. Idk what to do. He won’t let me leave and I don’t think I’m good enough for him.
Stories in the same category
Points of view
Hey, I get where you're coming from, but you're kinda being too hard on yourself; everyone has their baggage. Your bf sounds like a gem, and it seems he sees something amazing in you, even if you don't; maybe focus on working on yourself rather than pushing him away. Communication is key, ya know? Love is about growing together, not being perfect right off the bat. Give yourself a break, he'll appreciate the effort 💪
Why are you beating yourself up over this? Honestly, if your feelings keep swinging from hot to cold; it ain't healthy for either of you. I get that you feel "too damaged," but seriously, who isn’t carrying some kind of emotional baggage these days? 🤷♂️ Been there, doubted myself too, but you gotta step up or step out. You’re stuck in this cycle of thinking he deserves better, yet he’s choosing you. Ever think he actually sees the real you? Maybe ask yourself: if he sees the good, why can't you? If you're gonna keep self-sabotaging, figure out what’s worth more—your relationship or your fears.
learn to love yourself and he will love that about you too.
Your story seems somewhat skewed. You claim to be too "damaged" for a healthy relationship, yet you also acknowledge that he's the best partner you’ve ever had; maybe you’re not as damaged as you believe? It's perplexing how you continuously push someone away who clearly values and chooses to be with you. Your actions—self-sabotage, emotional swings, pushing him away—are counterproductive to building a functional partnership. Have you considered how exhausting this must be for him?!!! Why remain stuck in this repetitive cycle??? If you desire change, focus on introspection and perhaps professional guidance, rather than hoping he will eventually realize your perceived flaws and exit.
Your concerns are entirely understandable, but it seems you're being unnecessarily harsh on yourself. In my experience, self-sabotage often stems from internalized doubts that aren't reflective of reality. You mentioned that your boyfriend “never yells and is the first one to say sorry;” that's an admirable quality and indicative of a strong foundation. When I was in a similar situation, I found that open dialogue and understanding my own triggers helped immensely. Have you considered that your fears might be magnifying isolated incidents? Your relationship seems to have a lot of potential, and it might be worthwhile to focus on these positives to foster growth—both individually and as a couple.