I am here yet again, if it's possible to click my username and see what all I've said, I still have no idea if that is something that can be done or not- my previous posts go over my situation in more depth. The short of it is: I am intersex, trans, mixed race, chronically ill and disabled and a trauma survivor. America is a hellscape, I need to get out of it, have for years and now here we are. I was attacked twice since Trump's election just trying to buy groceries, my doctor tried to take away medication I need to survive, as my intersex condition has severe health consequences that I NEED HRT for. It's not just about presentation for me (though it also helps dysphoria), it's that if I do not have it I will bleed out and my testosterone levels will go up so high it could cause heart damage or worse... I just say these things to be understood. My situation.

My mother and grandparents raised me with strict religious rules and the like, to the point where an exorcism was allowed to be attempted on me when I was thirteen or so because my obvious symptoms of a trauma disorder (among other signs of being a SA survivor) plus being intersex was a no-no. They wanted it corrected. I still deal with severe scrupulosity, guilt and just... Hurt, so much hurt and fear because of it all, it's too much to get into but that I think paints a clear enough picture even without knowing just all it included.

To the point. Current events are pricking at the 'be rapture ready' teachings I got shoved down my throat, I don't even know what I believe anymore, it's hard to feel belief or love for a god that you were abused in the name of. Who, if he's out there, has heard me scream and cry and beg and did nothing. If he's not, well... Is that better or worse? I don't know. I've been saying I'm agnostic but even saying it makes me feel like I need to kneel and beg for forgiveness for denying god so I just try to avoid it as a whole. Even so, though, there are still times where I give in to compulsions and wind up praying for hours for forgiveness and to be saved. Hurting my body in the process, as I have joint issues, that's my primary disability physically at least. The one time I tried to reach out for help for this, to my mother, her only response was. "It's never a bad thing to pray."

Every time I see someone say that it's the end of the world, in a religious sense or not, I just start sobbing and have to fight the urge to just pray and pray and beg until my throat hurts and my joints are on fire. Every time I see people in other countries say we are all responsible and can't be trusted due to Trump and MAGA, which don't get me wrong I understand because look at everything but I wish people would remember that there are people about to be slaughtered that tried to warn everyone about this that they're lumping in with their oppressors, I just want to do the same. Beg and plead with god to make this all stop. I have before, I did the other day, and asked for a sign that he hadn't thrown me away. Guess what happened next?

I found a bag of rotting meat that someone hadn't put in the fridge or freezer after we went to the store. I just broke down sobbing.

There are coincidences, I believe that it was one, the logical part of me. The part of me still grappling with the abuse, grooming and indoctrination I was put though keeps telling me. "He was telling you you're going to rot. You're disgusting, evil, you deserve the painful death awaiting you before you are sent to burn in hell." And, if you are reading this and highly religious, don't even bother commenting. I don't want to hear your proselytizing and hatred. I've heard any and everything you could possibly tell me, I assure you, it will do nothing. You won't get any good points with the man upstairs for converting a "lost soul." I'm not even an atheist, like I said, I just don't know what the hell I am and even if I am a believer the word 'Christian' now burns me given what has been done to me and the current state of the world. The rise of Christo-Fascism.

I have no one to talk to, so, I am going to now write something here I wrote the other day in a debate/conversation in an online circle that I saved to show my therapist so she could see how badly I've been doing. I just need someone to hear me, I guess? That's how and why I'm here. I googled 'anonymous venting sites' and found this here. I am sorry I keep spamming here. Now, the comment (and yes I showed my therapist):

"I hope and pray to whoever is listening that I manage to get someone to help me out of America before we're all caged in, I won't make it, I check damn near every box for people Trump and his not-sees want dead. I would say that I hope countries start allowing refugees from here, especially the most vulnerable like disabled folk and the lgbtqia2p community, but MAGAs fleeing what they voted for (and the ones who tantrumed over Kamala not being perfect enough for him so didn't vote at all which basically voted him in anyhow) are too big a risk to let in on accident. So, I know most likely no one will let us flee to safety, it's terrifying and heartbreaking. I can't say I blame them, though. Look at how everything is going, the things he is saying. Doing. So, as sad and scared and mad as I am, I give all support to them. I just wish that those who have been trying to warn everyone from the start, those on the chopping block first, were not forgotten and punished. I wish we could get thrown a life preserver. Here's to history never repeating again, to other countries standing strong, putting Trump in his place."

I really do feel like I'm just trying to crawl out of a Russian Nesting Doll, or a maze of cages, I was able to escape the first one my so called father trapped me in. Now, I'm in another, my mother may have saved me from him but has still kept me trapped. It's still no way to live, there is still harm, I'm just not in direct danger constantly like with him. I am afraid that the moment I finally get out on my own (I am a disabled adult dependent after being stuck with my father is the short version trying to find my way to being able to function independently safely) I will find that I'm just in yet another prison the size of a country. Or, a state, if it ends up with state to state travel even being banned...

I still keep praying even though it feels like no one is listening, I have to, I have no other choice. My brain won't let me completely give up on the possibility god is up there listening, won't let me deny completely, even if I feel pure terror first and foremost. And, well, I don't have any people in my life to go to do I? So, all I can do is cry and cower, complain in spaces like these or beg a sky that may or may not be empty (or at least hold something that despises me despite creating me) for help.

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